To not let daughter attend?

[Mypoorboobs]

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

Also I assume from your posts that your children have never been violent to you? It sounded that way?

She sounds as if she is in a rage of jealousy over her sister.

Lots of the things she does seem as if she is trying to maintain
Control by creating self fulfilling prophesies;
“Everyone hates me, I am always naughty and mummy is now to the baby and tells me off so to prove it all to myself I will break my toys, bang my head so it hurts, be naughty and have things taken away “

Because that way she stays in control of her own story.

Young children who are jealous for attention will also often prefer negative attention, being in trouble, to no attention.

I am sure she does not hate you

I would:
Give lots of positive affirmation. Including praising her to the baby “ooh look hasn’t xxx done a lovely drawing, isn’t she clever” etc
Make sure she has 1-2-1 time with you
Do things that give her choice and control: what shall we have for tea, this, or that? Shall we makes cakes, or flapjacks? What do you think? Let her choose flavours or icing.
Love bomb her. Spontaneously hug her briefly and say some pet words.

Matched with calm firm guidelines “no, we don’t hit people “ and either fuss the victim or simply remove her. Even just turn your back.

Don’t beat yourself up, OP! It is tricky stuff.

Catsinthecupboard

Yes, I actually agree with your mum (not that I have ever bit or or hit a child 😂) but it is usually easier to get a child to empathize with someone else if the same thing has happened to them.
People are wrong in thinking that children only misbehave because there is something wrong i.e. tiredness, being hungry etc. Sometimes it's just a case of them trying something out, or testing the water to see what they are allowed to do. If a behaviour is ignored then how on earth are they ever going to realise it's wrong.

I am around a child just now who started doing a certain thing. It doesn't harm anyone else but could eventually harm him. His mum is using the ignore it method. 4 months later he still does it continuously. I have told him from day one that it's not ok and to stop it. He doesn't do it around me because I was very consistent and told him everytime, and if he had a toy in his hand the toy was taken away. He doesn't do it around me (very occasionally when he forgets it's not mum he's with, but quickly stops) as soon as mum appears, he starts it again. This is something that could make this little boy quite ill.

Let her go and love her more. I mean more one to one time, validate and include as much as you can and she’ll eventually soften up. Having a sibling is threatening for a lot of children.

You are right.

Mumoflove

You have no idea how much love and one on one time the OP gives her faughter. How patronising!

Let her go and love her more. I

Exactly what I was saying last night.

love her more

That is a horrible thing to say. It implies that she doesn't love her enough.

Anyway, the event has been and gone. When offered the chance to earn it back, the DD "threw it back" in the OP's face.

Well said hotpotl

I meant to say that the child is showing signs of insecurity with regards to her mum’s love and attention being shown to another person other than her. I have two daughters with a ten year gap and when they feel ‘neglected’ in my show of affection they behave in a similar way, so my strategy is to give them lots of attention and be more loving and attentive and it really works for us, I mean so far so good but we do have tantrums and ‘no more time for me’ accusations from both sides.

It’s not you and I’m not saying this just to make you feel better. You are doing the best you know and can , and at the moment that is good . From experience I tell you each child comes with their own personality and that’s just hers. She’ll get better I promise. Stay calm and positive and remember is only a bad moment no matter how many of them there are, it’s just a moment, it will pass and soon she will change for the better with your kindness and compassion.