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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 12:20

OH went through a phase of thinking I was too strict with DD and kept moaning at me. At the same time he was very proud of her manners and behaviour when out and about and other people praising her.
I gave him two options..shut up or take full responsibility of disciplining her and the consequences of it. He started backing me up every single time that day and she still tried to bypass me by asking him for something I'd said no to for quite a while.
Them having a 20 minute stare down that ended with both sulking because of a pair of sunglasses she threw on the floor helped too.Grin

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/03/2019 12:20

She's 4 and there's a new baby. Her behaviour may well be a shout for attention. Consequences need to be fairly immediate at that age so missing an event won't make much difference tbh.
Have you gone down the reward chart route? Small behaviour targets and instant stickers/years can really help with low level behaviour.
Also, make sure she has time with you without the baby and ask her to help with the baby, pass you things, sing to her etc. So she feels included.

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/03/2019 12:21

Treats not years

HalfBloodPrincess · 02/03/2019 12:23

I think you should follow through otherwise she’ll learn that you don’t mean what you say.

Most NT 4 year olds can understand delayed punishments. What’s a star chart if it’s not a delayed reward system?

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 12:24

I feel so conflicted now but I suppose there’s some things that she can do to feel like she’s earned her treat back so I could try that.
I do feel quite worn down. She’s a lovely girl when she wants to be, intelligent and funny and loving but her behaviour can be out of control. She really hurts my youngest who is 15 months now. She says no if I ask her to do anything and breaks all of her toys and things in the house. She will scream and attack me if I say no to anything. It’s just become really difficult. I told her that I’d injured my foot earlier and she said ‘good that’s good then’ It sounds insane but I really do think she hates me.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 12:26

I feel defeated by her so have gone upstairs and left them too it

You said it doesn’t impact anyone else but your husband sees it as impacting him - it’s in his interest to let her go! He is not got DD best interest here only his

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 02/03/2019 12:27

You say she is 4, but I think there is a big difference between being only 3 last week, and being nearly 5 and already in reception class at school. The former I think she would be too young to understand, but the latter I think she would (and school golden time etc will mean she has already seen the concept of deferred punishment / rewards).
I’m not normally one for harsh punishment, more natural consequences, but pushing over or otherwise hurting someone else (especially a smaller child) would always be the one thing I’d be prepared to be harsher about. You can still do all the positive things like praising her when she does anything good, and ensuring plenty of 1 to 1 time as well.

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/03/2019 12:28

Do you think a positive/nurturing parenting class might help? Sounds like you need some support with her behaviour in general.

Sirzy · 02/03/2019 12:28

The problem is st that age it is easy to associate the negative behaviour with the chance to get the attention they are craving. It they know they will get lots of attention when they play up then it makes sense to!

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:29

In future don't say in advance what the consequence is, then she can't choose whether it's worth continuing the behaviour or not. It also gives you time to think of a consequence that you don't regret in the heat of the moment.

CustardySergeant · 02/03/2019 12:30

"She really hurts my youngest who is 15 months now."

That's awful. Sad

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:30

Just say there will be a consequence of you don't do/do x.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2019 12:31

You and your husband need to be on the exact same page he was out of order undermining you like that i what you said should have followed through and not let her go she would have got it she was naughty pushed the baby she doesn't get to do nice things if she is pushing the baby. If your dad wants her to go he can organise it and take her you are dissapointed in her and she will understand that. She sounds a handful atm probably feeling a bit put out by the baby

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 02/03/2019 12:32
  • YADDDNBU

How dare your dh undermine you. You must follow through if you don’t your dd will go arround thinking she can do what she wants with no consequences.*

100% this!

If you threaten it, you go through with it. Otherwise, what are you teaching your child?! I'd be furious if my DH undermined me like that.

pigsDOfly · 02/03/2019 12:36

I think whether she can understand a delayed punishment or not rather depends what stage of 4 years old she's at.

If she's just turned 4 she probably won't understand, but at almost 5 years old she should understand.

I have a 4 year old DGD who will be 5 in about three month and I know that she would understand.

OP your DD sounds like a handful and you DP is being very foolish when he undermines you like that. It won't be long before she learns that it doesn't matter what you say to her when she behaves badly because her DF will always come down on her side.

pigsDOfly · 02/03/2019 12:37

x post with ColdTattyWaitingForSummer.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2019 12:37

The problem is st that age it is easy to associate the negative behaviour with the chance to get the attention they are craving. It they know they will get lots of attention when they play up then it makes sense to!

definitly this kids thrive on attention I think you might need to go back to the start and reprogramme her so ignore some of the bad don't let it escalate but praise the good even if it is a tiny improvement. Kids are bloody hard work no parent gets it right every time.

Fairenuff · 02/03/2019 12:42

Try to catch her being kind to her sibling and praise her for it. Try not to give attention to the behaviour you don't want. Make a big things about how clever and helpful she is because the baby can't do the things that she can. Try to find time to spend with her 1-1 whilst someone else watches the younger child.

Bluetrews25 · 02/03/2019 12:48

OP you need to follow through on your threat. She does not get to go.
Reminds me of years ago I walked buggy with baby and toddler standing on the back for 1 hour to a playgroup. (Skint, no car, could barely afford the entrance fee.) Got there and toddler was playing up within 10 mins of arrival. 'Carry on and we will go home'. He carried on. We left immediately. Surprisingly, he never misbehaved there again. And he learned that any time I threatened the same, I meant it and we would leave.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 02/03/2019 12:56

Haven’t read the full thread so apologies if it’s been mentioned. The consequence is too far away from the action, it needs to be more immediate. Praise the good, ignore the bad (within reason, providing it’s not danergous, hurtful etc), try not saying ‘don’t do....’, rather tell her what you do want her to do. For example if she’s jumping on the sofa, instead of ‘stop jumping on the sofa/ don’t jump on the sofa’, try ‘can you jump up and down by here on the carpet? With your hands in the air? With your eye closed?’ etc and giving her an alternative to the ‘bad’ behaviour.

Spotsandstars · 02/03/2019 12:57

You need a definite plan op, one that you and dh will absolutely stick to. She probably is acting up because of the baby but she still has to have boundaries and discipline.
Showing vulnerability rarely works with this age , the woe is mummy never helped my cause but firm calm confident decisions will. Cry in the toilet or upstairs later.

BlitheringIdiots · 02/03/2019 13:01

I used to let me toddler/young child earn the treat back. Always worked.

Sirzy · 02/03/2019 13:02

Actually I see nothing wrong with sometimes saying “mummy was wrong” - it’s good for children to realise that it is fine to admit your mistakes!

MrsJayy · 02/03/2019 13:05

Is she at nursery or school how is she there ? Would you ask for help with her sounds like you are just not coping and trying to get through the day until bedtime. Would you go on/do a parenting course google Triple P i think they offer online courses but they are great courses with positive results.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2019 13:07

Actually I see nothing wrong with sometimes saying “mummy was wrong” - it’s good for children to realise that it is fine to admit your mistakes!

I don't see anything wrong with mummy or daddy was wrong we as parents are not super human and it is fine for children to know that imo it helps build empathy.