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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
nanbread · 02/03/2019 14:47

Children need to learn that there are consequences to actions.

But not going to an event has nothing to do with pushing someone hours earlier? In what world are those two things related?

Can do need to learn right from wrong. And punishing the child in a totally unrelated way doesn't teach them this. In fact they may just get better at not getting caught.

www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/positive/disciplining-with-natural-consequences/

nanbread · 02/03/2019 14:47

*Children not can

berrybubbles · 02/03/2019 14:51

Sorry NRTFT. My only just 3 year old understands fully the right and wrongs of her daily life, so yes it is possible for a 4 year old to unless there are any developmental delays. I would be putting things in place to separate her and the youngest if she was violent towards them. My DD understands that hitting me hurts so at 4 I think they’d be aware it would hurt the younger child. I don’t do punishments as I think it’s cruel at such a young age. I.e. naughty step, smacking. I do however have a certain tone that she understands when she has done something she shouldn’t. I don’t raise my voice, I just sound disappointed and it resonates with her that she’s done something ‘bad’. It sounds tough OP but it will all smooth out eventuallyFlowers

GreenTulips · 02/03/2019 14:59

not going to an event has nothing to do with pushing someone hours earlier? In what world are those two things related?

If you assault someone you get locked up and prevented from going to anywhere!!

They are related in the system we live in

nanbread · 02/03/2019 15:03

Green Tulips are you seriously equating a preschooler pushing a sibling with an adult committing assault?? I'm speechless.

Although it is a great chance to muse on how brilliantly the prison system works to rehabilitate criminals - NOT.

littlebillie · 02/03/2019 15:19

She's 4 the punishment must be immediately auctioned as later on is silly for this age

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 15:29

She’s in reception and almost 5 btw. She does understand right from wrong. She has a good grasp on the world and can hold serious and long conversations. I hadn’t even considered she was too young.

What age would a punishment like this be appropriate? She’s my oldest so everything’s a learning curve.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 02/03/2019 15:31

But not going to an event has nothing to do with pushing someone hours earlier? In what world are those two things related?

They are because that's the consequence of the bad behaviour.

BlackeyedGruesome · 02/03/2019 15:33

Let her earn back the treat with good behaviour. Next time an immediate consequence such as time out if she can't be in the same room and play gently.

nanbread · 02/03/2019 15:34

No it's not. The consequence is that she'll have an upset sister and mum (and quite possibly get attention she wants from her mum even if it's negative).

Even at 5 children struggle to control their impulses. There are better ways to deal with this. Read the link I posted above.

Drogosnextwife · 02/03/2019 15:55

I would rather not read your link. I'm sure you have read many books on children, it doesn't mean I agree with you. I think the OPs punishment was perfectly acceptable.

Boyskeepswinging · 02/03/2019 15:58

What age would a punishment like this be appropriate? She’s my oldest so everything’s a learning curve
I asked this about three pages ago. Still waiting for a reply ...

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 16:11

I think it's acceptable too.
You do something that isn't a good choice and there is a negative consequence even if it's not directly related. But there also needs to be positive consequences even if it's just praise, for making good choices.

Seeline · 02/03/2019 16:48

I think a delay in punishment like the OP is suggesting is probably OK for 6/7 year old. That is when they understand the concept of time. If she had done it walking out of the house, then an instant turn around would be OK.
I still feel a quick time out ( is ignore her for 5 minutes) and then a sorry is more appropriate, along with rewarding the good behaviour even if it's just more attention being given.

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 16:52

We never use threats or punishments (just natural consequences)
What is the natural consequence to a 4 year old pushing their sibling over?

HomeMadeMadness · 02/03/2019 17:02

Mypoorboobs

I would read some books about child development (not because you sound ignorant - just because for most people, myself included it's really informative). The issue isn't that a 4 year old doesn't understand that it's wrong to push the baby -even two year olds understand that. It's that they don't have the ability to control the impulse. The question is how do you develop that ability in them? Obviously letting the incident go unchallenged won't help but the consequence has to be immediate for their brain to correlate it with what happened.

Kids also often need help to control themselves - this often involves redirection. It helps also to understand why they're doing it, in order to help prevent it. Is she looking for attention? Is she just frustrated? Is she getting enough 1 on 1 time? Does she get lots of positive reinforcement? Does she know in advance that when she does X the consequence will be Y?

Remember also that even if you were the perfect parent your child will still do things wrong sometimes. That's part of being a kid.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 02/03/2019 17:03

What is the natural consequence to a 4 year old pushing their sibling over?

Probably lots of guilt tripping talking to them about how disappointed you are.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 02/03/2019 17:04

Strikeout fail [grinConfused

BedraggledBlitz · 02/03/2019 17:12

Don't let her go to the event. She will get the message that there are consequences to her actions.

My 4yo knows when mummy is being serious about stopping poor behaviour.

youarenotkiddingme · 02/03/2019 17:20

All behaviour is communication.

However if she is point blank refusing to do as asked and hurting younger sibling then there does need to be clear consequences.

I'd be telling her if cannot listen and behave when with him then she cannot be trusted to behave with others. Therefore that is why she cannot go.

That links the 2 quite easily.

MrsJayy · 02/03/2019 17:43

*No it's not. The consequence is that she'll have an upset sister and mum (and quite possibly get attention she wants from her mum even if it's negative).

Even at 5 children struggle to control their impulses. There are better ways to deal with this. Read the link I posted above.*

But she doesn't seem that bothered she hurt anybody she doesn't seem to care so how would the natural consequence follow on. I am not trying to be obtuse I am genuinely interested

sewingbeezer · 02/03/2019 17:44

What happened to the naughty step? Simple/immediate/effective.
I think threatening with not allowed to attend a planned event is way OTT for a 4yr old.

Tavannach · 02/03/2019 17:51

She’s a lovely girl when she wants to be, intelligent and funny and loving but her behaviour can be out of control. She really hurts my youngest who is 15 months now. She says no if I ask her to do anything and breaks all of her toys and things in the house. She will scream and attack me if I say no to anything. It’s just become really difficult. I told her that I’d injured my foot earlier and she said ‘good that’s good then’ It sounds insane but I really do think she hates me.

So it seems that your threatening behaviour and delayed punishments are not having the desired effect. Are there local parenting classes you can sign up for? You need to get some help.

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 18:10

We’ve done naughty step, she screams and runs off or bangs her head against the wall until I come. We’ve tried taking toys away, positive rewards for good behaviour, we have a sticker chart and a marble jar. Tried immediate bedroom, she smashes up her room then continues behaviour.

I guess the general consensus though is that it must be me and so I will look into parenting classes.

Thanks

OP posts:
ChariotsofFish · 02/03/2019 18:17

I don’t think it must be you, though apparently parenting classes are good. My DS behaved similarly at that age. He has grown out of it now, with nothing more than the muddling along average parenting that most people in real life offer. It’s also possible that your daughter has some special needs, how is she at school?

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