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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my girlfriend to be less angry about my son

207 replies

niceguyjames82 · 01/03/2019 19:58

Hello all, my first ever thread-
My gf and I have been with eachother the past 2 years. I have a son from another relationship who’s 3. I fought for him through court for about and year and got 3/4 weekends with him. My partner is quite resentful of the lack of time that we have with eachother. We have all week and every enening ( fri and sat when child is in bed) but I understand that it’s hard. I just really want us to do things together. And make the most of the weekends.
When we got together she knew that I had a son and I was fighting for him. She is a very kind hard working person but I think work stress is now making her take it out on me.,
She’s making me decide to cut down on the time I have with him. Is this fair? I love them both but I can’t just cut down time with my child can I? Help?

OP posts:
Cider4Caro · 02/03/2019 14:19

Please don't let a resentful GF intrude on the precious time you have with your DS. What if she starts being unpleasant to him? Children grow so fast, he will be hanging out with his mates in a few short years, Youl regret it forever if you let a woman get in between you.
I am sickened to think someone could be so horrid, your poor son. He needs to be in a happy loving home. Give him what he deserves, you sound like a good dad, love and treasure every moment.

JaneEyre07 · 02/03/2019 14:25

She’s making me decide to cut down on the time I have with him

Then she needs to be the thing you sacrifice. And not your son.

Anyone who is jealous of a small child has got major issues.

ShowMeTheKittens · 02/03/2019 14:25

She needs to understand that as an adult, she can bloody manage on her own. Your son needs his Daddy and she needs to stop being horrible. Why can't you all spend time together? Well, I understand. She doesn't sound very kind.

TwoRoundabouts · 02/03/2019 14:48

@MariaNovella no it is not.

I know a couple of step parents who have the majority of residence of their step kid simply because they have been in that kid's life since they were a toddler. The actual parent they were in a relationship with and their other biological parent both have minority residence.

The girlfriend needs to walk if she doesn't understand if you go out with someone with a kid they may end up living with you full-time , so you better both like children and be prepared to bring them up if necessary.

Original poster
niceguyjames82 · 02/03/2019 14:52

I often wonder why his mother doesn’t want more weekend time... she’s got it pretty easy having most weekends to herself.

OP posts:
MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 14:57

It isn’t at all good for your child to be spending 3 out of 4 weekends with you and your GF, quite apart from it not being good for your relationship with your GF. Your child needs to spend half the weekends with each parent.

anxiousmotherof1 · 02/03/2019 15:10

Your child should come
First , always ! She should undestand that !

SpotlessMind · 02/03/2019 15:13

@niceguyjames You have your child 6 days/nights per month; his mother has him all the rest of the days/nights - and you have the cheek to suggest that she has it easy? She may be the worse person in the world for all I know, but ludicrous to suggest she’s getting the better deal here

MRex · 02/03/2019 15:15

I often wonder why his mother doesn’t want more weekend time... she’s got it pretty easy having most weekends to herself.
You've lost me there. Poor kid if neither of his parents really want him around. I miss mine when he's out for 2 hours with DH.

woollyheart · 02/03/2019 15:18

Most parents like having their children around and would have their children every weekend. Maybe your gf is getting her idea that ds is a pain from you?

Boulardii · 02/03/2019 15:18

she’s got it pretty easy having most weekends to herself

Weird attitude. The weekdays are much more of a grind: up and out for nursery, pick ups, meal prep bedtimes. Weekends are fun time. I guess you will come to realise that once he has started school.
But if you are finding the weekend a grind already, I hope she leaves all the homework for you to do with him at the weekend....

Original poster
niceguyjames82 · 02/03/2019 15:19

I miss him too! All the time and what I meant was she has it weekend easy. Not all the time easy

OP posts:
woollyheart · 02/03/2019 15:20

Is @MariaNovella your girlfriend?

Vulpine · 02/03/2019 16:01

I wouldn't say your kids mother has had it easy given you split up when he was one!

juneau · 02/03/2019 16:10

Your DS's DM has him all week every week and you say she has it easy? Sorry, but that's bullshit! You have him for six days a month and she has him all the rest of the time.

As for your jealous gf, you need to put your DS first. He's only three, he needs to have a close relationship with his dad. Again, your gf has you FT, he is only with you for six days a month. If she has a problem with that then I suggest you find another gf who is more understanding of the fact that you have a DS and you had him before she came on the scene, he's three years old and he needs you. Get your priorities straight.

MulticolourMophead · 02/03/2019 16:35

OP, I can see that you have posted that you intend to prioritise your DS. Please do stick to that. Your GF isn't being that nice in asking your to cut down on the time with your DS, time you fought in court for.

She knew about DS from the start, and must have been aware of the court stuff, so how on earth could she think that you'd meekly give in.

You're a unit with your DS and she needs to deal with that or leave.

HomeMadeMadness · 02/03/2019 16:40

I often wonder why his mother doesn’t want more weekend time... she’s got it pretty easy having most weekends to herself.

Well you've lost me there - what a stupid thing to say. She's got him the majority of the time. She's also doing the nursery run, rushing to get him through breakfast etc. You just get the fun weekend and only for a minority of the month!
In reference to your girlfriend though honestly if you're going to go out with someone with a kid you better be prepared to welcome that kid with open arms - I'm amazed the number of people who seem to view the step kid as you would a niece or nephew - just someone who comes round occasionally but not someone who should get in the way of the plans of the "real" family. Why would you even consider staying with this woman?

YogaWannabe · 02/03/2019 16:47

I often wonder why his mother doesn’t want more weekend time... she’s got it pretty easy having most weekends to herself.

HA!
On the other hand, stay with the girlfriend. You seem well matched.

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 16:50

No, DC do not come first. Every relationship in a family matters but none more so than that of the couple.

MzHz · 02/03/2019 16:56

Dc come first SOME of the time. We as adults have to come first SOMETIMES too. It’s important our children learn that we parents are important too.

This set of circumstances is where the GF is meddling and is resentful of the time this dad spends with his little boy.

This is a 3 yo, he’s far too little to understand this concept. The gf isn’t the right person to be in the man’s life. She needs to go

There is plenty of time for a relationship between the gf and the boys dad within the current arrangement, but it’s her attitude that’s the biggest red flag here.

The gf does need to FTFO

MorelloKisses · 02/03/2019 17:00

For all we know the mother has him at home all day in the week - DS is young enough not to be in school.

Perhaps that’s why 3/4 weekends (for now)

Whereareyouspot · 02/03/2019 17:00

Oh I think you have just lost your audience there OP with the weekend comment

He’s pre school so presumably with 100% of the weekday care to contend with his mum has to manage work alongside childcare or is a SAHM and does all the day to day entertaining of a toddler and running her house etc. Do you do his washing when he’s with you and shop for his clothes, visit dentist, get hair cuts, vaccinations, playgroup etc?

Given you had to go to court and ‘fight’ a year for access it sounds like mum wasn’t as keen to swan into the sunset with all her free weekends as you suggest.

Improve12 · 02/03/2019 17:14

sounds like she doesn't have your son's best interests in mind. I cant imagine her being fair and loving to him. he shouldn't have to grow up around that. if you sacrifice time with him for her, you will lose in the long run because she obviously cant understand your responsibilities. she is competing with a child. sounds like she is clingy and doesn't have her priorities right. wouldn't want my son around her

Nellieelephant · 02/03/2019 17:23

OP I get the feeling deep down you might’ve been hoping everyone would say ‘yes, absolutely your GF is correct and you should cut down on time with your DC’

It comes across as you feel resentful you have your DC 3 weekends in 4 when his mother has her weekends ‘free’

I could only imagine his DM is probably missing him terribly.

Your GF sounds utterly incompatible with being a step parent, which is fine not everyone could be a good step parent, it’s hard! But as you have a child it obviously means your relationship isn’t going to work unless you are happy to make your DS second best to your GF.

MissKittyBeaudelais · 02/03/2019 17:24

OP, your girlfriend wants you to be a single man, no kids (is my best guess). She’s tried but, this’ll never be right. And I speak from experience. You on the other hand need to concentrate on your DS and hope, as time goes by, that you meet a single mum with a child/children. When you don’t have your own children there can very often be resentment when a partner does. Even though that sounds harsh/ridiculous because he’s JUST a child. Even though she may love you and want to be with you. She cannot sign up to your son so, it’s a non starter and an emotional wreck in the making imo.

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