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Original poster

To expect my girlfriend to be less angry about my son

207 replies

niceguyjames82 · 01/03/2019 19:58

Hello all, my first ever thread-
My gf and I have been with eachother the past 2 years. I have a son from another relationship who’s 3. I fought for him through court for about and year and got 3/4 weekends with him. My partner is quite resentful of the lack of time that we have with eachother. We have all week and every enening ( fri and sat when child is in bed) but I understand that it’s hard. I just really want us to do things together. And make the most of the weekends.
When we got together she knew that I had a son and I was fighting for him. She is a very kind hard working person but I think work stress is now making her take it out on me.,
She’s making me decide to cut down on the time I have with him. Is this fair? I love them both but I can’t just cut down time with my child can I? Help?

OP posts:
Vulpine · 02/03/2019 07:39

May be get back with the mother of your 3 year old

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2019 07:41

You come as a package, if she cannot deal with that, I cannot see a future in this. You have to put your son first.

JenniferJareau · 02/03/2019 07:46

Sounds like she either didn't think you'd secure the time with your son you did or didn't think through what that actually meant for your relationship.

Does she not want to do things with your son at the weekend?

Vulpine · 02/03/2019 07:46

Wouldn't that be staying with the mother of his child? A year after someones given birth to your kid isnt very long to give the relationship

youaremyrain · 02/03/2019 07:48

This is what my exH's new DW has successfully done. He's gone from having DDs five nights a fortnight to one night a fortnight. Their relationship has suffered massively and they now hate going to spend time with him as she doesn't make them feel welcome.

No one at the end of their life, looks back and says "I wish I'd spent less time with my child"

Karigan195 · 02/03/2019 07:49

What exactly would she have done if it was her kid too or you were a single dad? She’s being entirely unreasonable. Your son must come first and please do not damage your relationship with him because of her ridiculous demands

NotANotMan · 02/03/2019 07:50

What's the question?
You need to dump the awful woman

anniehm · 02/03/2019 07:51

No, she's wrong, for the sake of your son you need a girlfriend with a better attitude! If anything you should be having your son more, with 50/50 as the ideal! Plus we never know what the future holds, you could find yourself with him full time if something happened to his mother (I hope it doesn't but our friend did find himself being called in the night to drive 100 miles to fetch his kids because his ex had a breakdown and had tried to kill herself, she's ok but decided not to take the kids back)

Billben · 02/03/2019 07:52

A year after someones given birth to your kid isnt very long to give the relationship

Stop being so judgmental and stop trying to guilt trip the OP. You know bugger all about his relationship with his ex. What if she has cheated on him repeatedly for example? There are so many reasons why relationship break down 🙄

PhryneFisher · 02/03/2019 07:53

I have two friends who sound like your GF. Both were resentful of their partner’s child at first.
One refused to include the older child in anything she was doing with the dad, then complained if he wanted to spend time alone with his son (who was only four, somit was cinema and zoos, not pubs and clubs).
BF dumped her after a year, she’s single and bitter because she really loved him.
The other friend was given an ultimatum, you accept me and my DD or I leave, she now has a reasonable relationship with her SD (and they have two kids together so there’s a sibling relationship now too). But it’s has taken years to build.

There is no way any parent should be forced to choose between an adult and their own child. You are who you are, that includes a father, if she doesn’t like that massive part of you, then she’s not the right person for you.

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 07:54

Ok, so a cut and run thread.
It sounds from your limited info, that your girlfriend of 2 years has never met your ds and can only come to visit when he's not there.
I was dating one like that. I dumped him.

C0untDucku1a · 02/03/2019 07:57

Im absolutely astounded that you were awarded three out of four weekends. No week day reaponsibility at all? The mother gets all school / nursery tesponsibility and you get the majority if the down-time / weekends?! How the hell is that fair? Even if the mother isnt working now and the child isnt in nursery now, long-term that’s appalling.

Six nights a month is a poor amount to have the child, so absolutely cut out the gf before the dc, but by god what idge thought that was a fair arrangement?!

Vulpine · 02/03/2019 07:58

Billben - yes you are correct, i am judgemental about stuff like that

MRex · 02/03/2019 07:59

Your girlfriend is not a kind person. This is a massive warning flag for you that she has serious psychological problems. Nobody normal would try to keep a toddler from their dad when the relationship between the two is good, actually it's an evil thing to do. Find somebody who actually is kind for your next relationship. What went wrong with your ex, the boy's mum?

Longtalljosie · 02/03/2019 08:00

Don’t be too hard on the OP - he likes / loves his girlfriend and he’s got someone in his ear constantly telling him he’s being unreasonable. OP - you’re not. You have fought for this contact. Do not under any circumstances cut it down or you will give your ex carte blanche to bugger around with your access and claim you’re not interested in a relationship.

I think your relationship is probably doomed because your son MUST come first (imagine if your own father had put a girlfriend first and how that would have affected you). But for the mean time I would say - it’s this or the door. I am not being a crap father so we can go to the pub. And also put her under no pressure to help you parent on “your” weekends. She wants to go out with the girls? Have a great time. She’s not a parent, you are. And on your 4th weekend, make it count. Book the restaurant.

Guavaf1sh · 02/03/2019 08:05

Dump your girlfriend. And don’t get back together with the mother neither - if you had to fight for access it means she was denying it and is even worse than your girlfriend

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 08:06

Posters, I very much doubt it's a case of the girlfriend disliking the amount of time, it's the fact that she can't be there when he has his son, so that's 3 out of 4 weekends that she can't spend with her boyfriend of 2 years.

Original poster
niceguyjames82 · 02/03/2019 08:07

This is just so hard. As I love her so much. My son loves her too.
Thank you for the advice. She’s not a cow btw! But she’s jealous of my son. I’m so sad.

OP posts:
Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 08:08

So can she come over when your son is there?

Kneehigim · 02/03/2019 08:09

Do you ever do things as a family? Is she involved with him in a stepmom role? Or is she shunned when son is there?

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 08:13

Your ex could die. You would have him full time. How would that play out?

Seems unlikely I know but it happens all the time (happened in my family).

If she’s not 100% supportive of your full and involved relationship with your son she’s not the right person.

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 08:14

My son loves her too

This suggests she spends time with him so isn’t banished when he’s there...

Doghorsechicken · 02/03/2019 08:17

Please don’t put any woman before your son. A decent woman would never make you choose! How on earth can anybody be jealous of a child Confused

Armadillostoes · 02/03/2019 08:23

I am sorry OP but you are deluded if you think that she loves your DS. Nobody who even cares for a child would want to jeopardise their relationship with their parent. That is NOT love.

Lots of men and women make selfish choices and prioritise a partner over their child in situations like. It really damages the child. Do you want to do that?

estellamay · 02/03/2019 08:29

I wouldn't judge her for feeling frustrated by the situation and having the occasional irrational moment when you're discussing it. I absolutely would judge her for pushing you to spend less time with your son. She does sound selfish and immature - no adult should be jealous of a 3 year old!

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