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Original poster

To expect my girlfriend to be less angry about my son

207 replies

niceguyjames82 · 01/03/2019 19:58

Hello all, my first ever thread-
My gf and I have been with eachother the past 2 years. I have a son from another relationship who’s 3. I fought for him through court for about and year and got 3/4 weekends with him. My partner is quite resentful of the lack of time that we have with eachother. We have all week and every enening ( fri and sat when child is in bed) but I understand that it’s hard. I just really want us to do things together. And make the most of the weekends.
When we got together she knew that I had a son and I was fighting for him. She is a very kind hard working person but I think work stress is now making her take it out on me.,
She’s making me decide to cut down on the time I have with him. Is this fair? I love them both but I can’t just cut down time with my child can I? Help?

OP posts:
MzHz · 02/03/2019 11:20

You need to make it absolutely clear that if she doesn’t ‘get it’ then she packs her bags today. No point in wasting any more time on a relationship if she’s this selfish, resentful and jealous.

Mmmhmmm · 02/03/2019 11:22

3/4 weekends? So one weekend a month without your son?

Maybe try to make special plans with your GF for those weekends.

She needs to work on not being jealous or resentful of him, as he will always be your son.

I know you love her but I would Not consider further commitment to her (engagement, marriage, child together) if she can't end her resentment of your relationship with your son.

dragonsfire · 02/03/2019 11:31

Sounds abit of a deal breaker to me. Sir her down explain your not cutting back on time with your son, you fought for visitation if I was the mother and you said wanted to cut back after taking it to court, I would be looking to cut back your visitation especially if it’s due to your new girlfriend!

If she is tired she doesn’t have to go out with you and your son you can go out with him and she can have a chill day or see her friends.

Talk to her rationally YOU don’t need to find more time for her you both need to find compromise or break up!

The less time with your son is not an option especially if you want opportunity to see him more in the future.

woollyheart · 02/03/2019 11:33

I wouldn't cut down time with my child if I were you.

She has misunderstood the situation. She thinks you are mainly her bf and occasionally you have to babysit a child.

Actually, you are already a father. You have a son who stays with you as often as possible. If circumstances changed, maybe your son would have to move in with you full time. The time with your son is non-negotiable. If she is not happy with your son being with you, she should move on.

Twisique · 02/03/2019 12:33

Even if you cut back on the time with your son she would still resent the time you do spend with him.

My first ever leave the bitch!

Original poster
niceguyjames82 · 02/03/2019 12:38

I know what I need to do in my heart. It really helps hearing other people’s opinions. I started this thread as a “im not going mad here am I thread.” My friends would always be on my side.
My son will come first don’t you worry. It’s just so hard as I love her so much.
Thank you everyone

OP posts:
SpotlessMind · 02/03/2019 13:04

Did she actually outright ask you to reduce contact? Or was it that she has said she is struggling to be in a relationship with someone who has family responsibilities? Because if it’s the latter then that’s fair enough, lots of people would struggle. If it’s the former then she’s being quite selfish.

Either way though, the only answer is that she either accepts that you come as a pair or she ships out. Many single people have way more contact time with their children than you do and their partners just have to deal with it. Remember also that if you ever want to increase contact time in the future that you are going to have a big problem there if you are still in this relationship.

outpinked · 02/03/2019 13:09

Your son comes first, any parent should adhere to this. She is being hugely unreasonable and is not the woman for you I’m afraid. If you are in a relationship it needs to be with someone who accepts your DS, she sadly does not.

cocomelon23 · 02/03/2019 13:17

How long have you been having your ds for 3 out of 4 weekends? You said that wasn't the case when you got together so maybe she needs time to adjust.

Armadillostoes · 02/03/2019 13:26

I am sorry that it's such a tough situation OP. Breaking up sucks, but she has revealed her fundamental attitude and mindset towards your DS. That won't change. There are lots of lovely women in the world who will make you and your DS much happier long term. And it's kinder to her. The situation is clearly not bringing out the best in her.

Well done for listening to some tough feedback and not running away. You sound like a very loving and responsible dad.

Hidingtonothing · 02/03/2019 13:42

I'm a step-mum, have been for 17 years and adore my (now adult) step kids. I've always supported my DH to be the best dad he can be and have (willingly and happily) made sacrifices to that end, that's what I took on when I entered a relationship with a man with kids. Both me and DH are close to DSC now, they visit often and DSS has just told me I'm going to be a nan Smile

But I've also seen the reverse, my DB remarried when his daughter was 4. His DW has always resented her and has controlled and limited DB's relationship with his child from the outset. It got worse when they went on to have kids together and my niece has been pushed out and scapegoated to the point where she barely saw her dad and their relationship has suffered hugely. And now DB and his DW have separated and he's finally seeing how much damage has been done to all his family relationships. He has lost respect from everyone because he didn't put his daughter first and allowed his DW to treat her badly. He has a lot of making up to do, I just hope it's not too late with his daughter Sad

Don't be my DB, kids come first and I wouldn't want to be with anyone who thought different.

Motherofcreek · 02/03/2019 13:49

The fact that she knows you’ve faught so hard for this access and now wants you to reduce that - for her shows that she isn’t kind.

I’d seriously look at some one in a different light if they’d try to do this too me. She doesn’t really care about you or your son - just herself

Darkstar4855 · 02/03/2019 13:52

My partner has a son and I would never dream of asking him to spend last time with him. I chose to get involved with a man who has a child so I happily accept that his child comes first.

I would be very wary of someone who is basically asking you to choose between her and your son. However much you love her, if she doesn’t understand that this is not ok then it doesn’t bode well for the future.

Darkstar4855 · 02/03/2019 13:52

*less time

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 13:53

Why does your son spend three out of every four weekends with you? Why doesn’t his mother want to spend 50% of her weekends with him?

VelvetPineapple · 02/03/2019 13:54

A woman who is jealous of a little child is extremely insecure

I disagree. I think it’s perfectly fine for her to want a bf who will spend the majority of his time with her. Not wanting a kid around doesn’t make her insecure. It just means she doesn’t want a kid getting in the way. It also means she’s incompatible with someone who already has a kid. Neither of them are in the wrong, they just don’t want the same things. It really gets my goat when parents call others selfish or insecure or nasty etc just because they don’t want a kid hanging around. They’re entitled to not want your kid!

Armadillostoes · 02/03/2019 13:59

Velvet-nobody disagrees with that BUT the issue lies in getting into a relationship with someone who has a child and resenting the child. That is selfish and unpleasant.

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 13:59

The OP’s GF is perfectly reasonable to expect to have half her weekends without his child around.

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 14:00

I don’t think the GF is resenting the child so much as the arrangements surrounding weekends.

0ccamsRazor · 02/03/2019 14:00

So what do you think that you will do about this situation?

Starlight456 · 02/03/2019 14:00

The reality is a situation that won’t resolve . For whatever reason she doesn’t want a family life . You have a family .

kaytee87 · 02/03/2019 14:01

@MariaNovella no, she's really not. She chose to be with someone that has a child. She is jealous of a 3yo which is ridiculous. She needs to be with someone with no children which is a completely legitimate choice.

Shockers · 02/03/2019 14:04

Do not put her wants before your child’s needs.

MariaNovella · 02/03/2019 14:06

Being a stepmother doesn’t mean you forfeit any control over your family life. Three out of four weekends with someone else’s DC is too much for a stepparent. And really appalling for the DC.

CecilyP · 02/03/2019 14:06

She has misunderstood the situation. She thinks you are mainly her bf and occasionally you have to babysit a child.

Presumably the current situation is pretty new as it is a fairly recent court sanctioned access arrangement, so for a couple of years she would have had OP to herself with just occasional visits from the DS. Did you discuss with the GF before asking for 3/4 weekends. Now you have that, you need to stick with it. There will obviously have to be a period of adjustment for her. I think dragonfires advice above is the most sensible.