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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex objects to after school activities

184 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 18:57

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

OP posts:
LadyFuchsiaGroan · 01/03/2019 19:01

Yanbu- my daughter is 6 and does the same amount of after school activities (and exactly the same ones) and apart from swimming would be devastated to miss out on. I wouldn't even discuss this with the girlfriend, no way is this anything to do with her.

Sosad2004 · 01/03/2019 19:03

She should butt out of your business. Her financial arrangements and limitations do no affect your dd.
Children should definitely learn to swim - dont back down OP.

Fullofthought · 01/03/2019 19:06

My DD is 7 and does judo twice a week, gymnastics twice a week, swimming, brownies, music and has compatitions in judo at least twice a month. I had it wrote into the court order that my dad's father has to take her to her clubs and compatitions or we are back in court over it. It is normal for children to have hobbies and They should be encouraged to participate in theses. The judge agreed and said that she must attend her clubs or he will refuse contact that covers the time of the clubs.

lifestooshortandsoami · 01/03/2019 19:07

Yanbu
The activities aren't extreme and I agree that learning to swim is important.
It also should never have been a discussion that she brought up.
I think you're doing the right thing by going to pick her up and take her if he isn't going to do it.

lifestooshortandsoami · 01/03/2019 19:09

Also the more I've thought about this I'm impressed how calm your post is... I'd be livid to be honest.

LeggyLinda · 01/03/2019 19:10

I never read your original post. But I think it can be difficult enough running s household that consists of children from other relationships. I think YABU to expect her to divide responsibilities and schedules based on needs of individual children she has little influence over the upbringing of.
Can you not coordinate swimming times to match that of times when you have DD?

Redken24 · 01/03/2019 19:11

Omw I think my eye brows are now lost in my hair. What a cheek!

Readysteadygoat · 01/03/2019 19:13

Unbelievable! She sounds a bit crazy

Have her and her girls moved in with your ex?

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:14

Thank you - I was starting to feel like a pushy Mum!!

I didn’t engage in the chat about money - but I wonder afterwards does She think my ex things. We have shared custody, so there is no maintenance- but I pay for all her clothes and activities and most of her toys. I earn more, and we have just fallen into this arrangement.

My daughters clothes aren’t fancy - I shop in next and gap for her. My parents however do splash out a bit but none of it is designer gear. I don’t think she is spoiled - and she doesn’t bring too many toys with her from my house.

My boyfriend did buy her an iPad for Christmas which I thought was too much (he bought ones for his nephews as well!!) but it never leaves our house.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 01/03/2019 19:15

You (sadly) can't dictate what happens when your DD is with her ex.

I would try to do one of
a) persuade ex that swimming is in her best interests and he needs to take her
b) start weekend contact to after Saturday swimming
c) try to move swimming to mid week

Dillydallyingthrough · 01/03/2019 19:15

YANBU

Her financial position should not impact your DD. And tbh I'm quite surprised that she said all of that to you (not saying your lying, more surprised at the cheek of it!). I understand it may be difficult to explain to her DC that your DD is going swimming but that is not your issue - it's up to her to explain appropriately.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:15

I don’t think they have moved in - but my daughter is sleeping there more regularly with just her dad. It’s a two bed so they wouldn’t all fit as a permanent arrangement.

OP posts:
Readysteadygoat · 01/03/2019 19:15

LeggyLinda why should the OP have all the responsibility of getting her DD to clubs when it wasn't a problem before? And no one is expecting the new gf to divide responsibilities - the girls DF can do it, just as he would have done before

lifestooshortandsoami · 01/03/2019 19:16

Legglylinda
The op isn't expecting her to but surely it should be the ex dh responsibility and ops dc shouldn't be impacted because of his new girlfriends situation? From what I've understood she's not asking them to do it every time just when falls on their contact?

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 01/03/2019 19:16

Wise up leggylinda! Swimming lessons eow!!
Ok yanbu

Ginger1982 · 01/03/2019 19:16

Think you need to have a frank chat wit her dad.

IceRebel · 01/03/2019 19:16

I think YABU to expect her to divide responsibilities and schedules based on needs of individual children she has little influence over the upbringing of.

The OP isn't asking the girlfriend to take responsibility, she is expecting the child's father to take his daughter to activities which will have been paid for and in one case could actually save her life.

GruciusMalfoy · 01/03/2019 19:17

I'd be furious that some woman who's been around for 5 months would think she could tell me what my child was or wasn't doing. Fuck that! I wouldn't engage with her on it, it's not her business.

InsomniaTho · 01/03/2019 19:17

What a fucking dickhead. Why should your DD miss out because his girlfriend has less money than you? I’d be going nuclear over this.

dietcokemegafan · 01/03/2019 19:19

You can shop where you like but most people would consider next and gap for special occasions. Everyone i know gets most of their kids' clothes in supermarkets or mothercare. If everything comes from next and gap then I'm not too surprised if they think you're loaded.

IceRebel · 01/03/2019 19:20

I'm guess if the situation were reversed, and it was the GFs children doing the activities, they would continue to attend even if OP's daughter was there.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:21

Leggylinda we have 50-50 custody which rotates. So we alternate weekends. I suppose I could reorganise the days so I always have her at swimming time.

Rainbows isn’t an expensive activity, so her children could join if they are interested. Logistics are harder for gymnastics which is a week night. Daughter loves it - she will never be in an Olympic team, but she would really miss it.

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 01/03/2019 19:22

Wow you're calm. I'd have taken my daughter back home with me tbh.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/03/2019 19:23

Who the fuck does she think she is?!

You did well to be civil - she's a CF criticising your parenting to your face and calling your DD spoilt! Don't think I'd have had enough restraint to not lose my shit with her!

goldengummybear · 01/03/2019 19:23

She's a proper CF 🤬 Well done for such a calm and collected OP.

I'd talk to the Dad and offer to drop off after swimming if he agrees with the new gf.