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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex objects to after school activities

184 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 18:57

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

OP posts:
MzHz · 01/03/2019 19:23

What TeenTimesTwo said

Arrange for him to collect your dd from after swimming and then tell him he has to pay maintenance....

Or he tells his gf to butt the fuck out of his dd life or you’ll get all this formalised in court and he’ll have no choice but every other weekend.

She has got more front than Blackpool that one! Who the hell does she think she is?!!

I’m normally one to say chill, live and let live, dd is with her dad etc, but this is manipulative and controlling woman alert, absolutely out of order interfering with after school activities that are agreed between the dd parents.

NoCauseRebel · 01/03/2019 19:25

I think the ex is the problem here. Clearly he is expecting his new gf to have involvement in the parenting of his child and she is stuck in the middle as she has her own children to consider and is now expected to treat them all equally even though one of them is not her responsibility.

I would be having a discussion with the ex along the lines of that his daughter is not the responsibility of his gf, and neither should she be made to compensate for his gf’s lack of money. If there are activities that need to be paid for then it’s his responsibility, not her’s.

It’s very easy to jump to the conclusion that the gf is the one overstepping the mark here, but in truth when she is the one being left at the house to receive her partner’s DD and is the one being expected to pay for her after school activities, she can hardly be blamed for wanting some say in where her money is going, especially if she is the one expected to meet the costs for a child who isn’t her’s.

I would be having a discussion with the ex and telling him in no uncertain terms that he has a child, and that putting expectations, financial and otherwise, on his gf for her care and activities is painting her in a bad light to the OP when he is the one in the wrong.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:25

I have a habit of going quiet and clipped when I am angry! which probably opinion that i am a snobby cow!!!

I shouted at the tightly gripped steering wheel on the way home!!

I really don’t want her involved in my child’s life - and I do hope they split up. But she may be in our lives for a long time and I don’t want her to take out her dislike of me on my daughter,

OP posts:
LeggyLinda · 01/03/2019 19:25

From reading other replies I think I may have misunderstood. I assumed OP was expecting new girlfriend to accommodate DD’s needs within her responsibilities of caring for other DCs. This seems not to be the case so my original YABU is probably not justified.
If afterschool activities were in place before split then of course YANBU to think that responsibilities should continue to be shared

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:29

No causerebel - just to be clear I am paying for the activities and not just half. I would never expect this lady to take on any additional costs for my daughter. I prepay everything . All my ex has to do is take her there when daughter is with him.

OP posts:
KitTheCat · 01/03/2019 19:29

Yanbu, I'd be raging! Who the fuck does she think she is to dictate what your dd can wear and her activities Angry

Angrybird123 · 01/03/2019 19:32

Next and Gap are mid range. Boden, John Lewis and Monsoon would be £££ to me but not to everyone. That's entirely relative. Loads of people would never put their kids in supermarket clothes (I would, and do, just saying you can't make blanket statements about what is and isn't extravagant). OP I am also in awe of your calm. Your ex should not be changing anything that he previously did with your DD, especially not after 5 months and it fuck all to do with the new girlfriend. I'd push for the status quo for now but rearrange contact if he refuses to take her.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/03/2019 19:33

Nocauserebel iirc I think the OP said she pays for all of her DDs activities, not the ex.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/03/2019 19:34

Sorry cross posted with you Dippypippy1980

MrsMoastyToasty · 01/03/2019 19:34

If she has only been with him for 5 months then her kids aren't your exs financial responsibility- they are hers and her ex's responsibility.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:37

I may be coming across as calm, but really I’m not!! I am felling angry, but also quite sad. I was stupidly quite pelase with myself for how ex and I were co-parenting and it seems to have gone to hell in the last few months.

OP posts:
PotteryLady · 01/03/2019 19:38

I would be livid - he's not her kids father and it's an issue she needs to take up with him. Your daughter your rules - she's jealous and is after you offering to pay for her kids. I would tell him you're happy to go back to court if he wants to deprive his daughter of his girlfriends kids.

RavenousBabyButterfly · 01/03/2019 19:39

NoCauseRebel OP is paying for her DDs activities, not the gf. The gf doesn't want to/can't afford to pay for her own DC to do the same activities so therefore doesn't want OP's DD to do them either.

Cla9 · 01/03/2019 19:42

I do feel for her if she’s watching your daughter do activities she can’t afford for her daughters BUT she has no right to decide your daughter can no longer go. Your ex needs to sort this out.

Drum2018 · 01/03/2019 19:43

Id be livid. Her kids have no baring on what your dd does. Your ex need to cop the fuck on and tell his new gf that she has no say in your dds activities, clothes, toys.

billybagpuss · 01/03/2019 19:44

So if they're prepaid, she's expecting you to lose money too?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 19:45

No, your ex does not object to after school activities. He has up til now been very happy for his DD to attend activities which benefit her.

What he is doing is not suddenly having an objection, but deciding to put his GF above his DD. And allowing his GF to have a negative influence on his treatment and care of his DD.

So you have a very calm meeting about this and point out that this is what has happened, and it is not acceptable, so does he want to:

a. explain the reasoning to you so that you do not conclude that the GF is simply hostile to your DD. Unless he has a good explanation, then you'll have to assume that, in which case DD will no longer be allowed to be in GF's company (yes you will be taking that to court).

b. if there is a genuine non hostile reason (GF has claimed that it's to treat the children 'equally', for example) then he needs to explain to GF that no, the children are not related, she has no say in your DD's care, there is no 'equal'. Again, if he cannot do this, custody arrangements will have to be changed.

c. there is no discussion to be had regarding classes. Your DD attends. If he does not wish to undertake this any more, you will be revisiting the custody arrangement on the grounds that he is no longer able to provide 50-50 care.

Pick your DD up in the morning, and ask for a meeting with him. Or put it in an email.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 19:47

But you tell him, no this is not a case of him objecting. It's a case of him allowing his GF to influence him to treat his DD less well than he previously did. If that's the way he is going - he will see less of your DD, and you will take steps to see that she no longer sees the GF at all.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:47

Billbagpuss - yes - I pay by the term. Ex has never offered to contribute, but I never really gave it much thought as I arranged it and picked the activities. Rainbows obviously isn’t prepaid, it’s just use the gymnastics and swimming. The swimming is one on one this term as my daughter struggles with swimming so it is pricey - but worth every penny.

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 01/03/2019 19:47

There is no way that a girl friend of 5 months should have any say in your child's upbringing. Even if this ends up being a long term arrangement she shouldn't stop your child doing activities which you pay for. In fact she shouldn't even want to. Where there are blended families there will always be inequalities. The child with a massive inheritance coming from a side of the family the other doesn't belong to. The indulgent grandparents of one set of children compared with the less indulgent grandparents of the other set. The holidays which some get with both blended families while the other kids only get one. Life isn't always fair or equal. The other kids live permanently with your child's dad when she only sees him half the week and has to share him with them. Perhaps she doesn't think that is fair. Don't allow this woman to dictate what your child can and can't do. Have this out sooner rather than later with your child's parent op. Good luck.

Ecriture · 01/03/2019 19:48

Who cares if your child is spoilt? I grew up in abject poverty and I would have done anything to enjoy the kind of life style that your daughter has.

If she's not mean and unkind and is grateful, ignore what this twat who grabbed on to your leftovers has to say.

More diplomatically, you need to go to court and get everything formally agreed to.

If this is how this woman is going to be after 5 months, it's not going to get better.

You can't control her actions and feelings towards your daughter (To be honest, it sounds like she already doesn't like her).

But you can be clear on your expectations with your ex.

Try a friendly chat.

If that doesn't work, make clear that your daughter is entitled to continue activities and that it will be in everyone's best interests to formalise everyone's role in facilitating this legally via the courts.

It seems harsh but it will prevent your ex from moving the goal post for your child every time he gets a new piece.

Note well that he had her do his dirty work.

ShabbyAbby · 01/03/2019 19:48

Why would you stop somebody else's child from doing their regular activities? This is just jealousy and spite. She is not a nice woman. There is nothing spoilt about doing 3 activities. That is normal.
Yes clothes are mid range not primark/supermarket but most kids wear a mix of cheap shops/mid range/ pricier bits (my DCs certainly do). So this is bonkers. Essentially she's punishing your daughter for being normal.
It's not like she's head to toe in designer fare and doing two activities a day but even if she was it would be none of this woman's business. It's between you and your ex nothing to do with his but of fluff.
If he can't see that, you need to take this to court

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/03/2019 19:49

What a PP said. I'd have completely blanked her after that little outburst, taken DD by the hand, and walked back to the car and gone home. What a barefaced CF.

Good luck speaking to your ex later. Hope he listens to sense.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 19:49

Fizzy green water - great advice - thank you. I have rung ex but he hasn’t returned my call. It’s probably bedtime soon so he might callback after nine. I will simply tell him I want to meet just he two of us to discuss and I will call in the morning for daughter then drop her back.

OP posts:
Ecriture · 01/03/2019 19:50

Also exactly what @fizzygreenwater

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