Ex objects to after school activities

[Dippypippy1980]

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

It has nothing what so ever to do with her! I also commend you for not twating her one or telling her to F@#k off.

Why is she collecting your DD from school? Is it because your ex is passing on wife work because he can’t be bothered?

I’d be having a discussion about that and maybe go for full RP as it appears he’s not putting your DD’s best interest at heart.

From reading this thread i have concluded that, your exhs girlfriend is jealous and a nutter, your exh has no balls if he is letting his girlfriend dictate stuff, you clearly have your head screwed on and i love your boyfriend!

We have a childminder who we each paid half to. Ex decided that it was a waste paying for childminding when his girlfriend was home after school with her children, so he cancelled half. I was not happy - he told me after the fact. I assumed it was the girlfriends idea - she hadpushed into daughters life early and quickly. I wonder now is the novelty wearing off.

Childminder is lovely and didn’t make a fuss, but I was very embarrassed at how she was treated, and annoyed that arrangements were changed without discussion. Childminder is much closer to my house and his - he all of a sudden made an issue of this.

Dailymailwankers - ex didn’t rig me back. I left a neutral voicemail and he texted back fine. Nothing more.

Philipa - boyfriend is quite a good leveller in these situations. He is very laid back and sees the funny side of most things. He also talks away to my ex like he is one of his mates - never allows any undercurrent which used to work really well.

He is more like the fun uncle with my daughter than a parent. His attitude is she has a mum and dad to nag her, so he treats her in the sameness way he does his nephews and he is her own worshiped. Not always ideal for a live in adult, and I am sometimes very jealous. But I really shouldn’t complain as he does love her and she is safe and well cared for with him.

I suspect that he either doesn't know what the gf has said to you or he hasn't properly thought it through.

I wouldn't go in all guns blazing. It's worked so far and the best solution is to attack it from a "what's best for your dd" angle.
I'd say that you can see where the gf is coming from, however he needs to see how this impacts on your dd's well-being. That swimming is a life skill that you are not prepared to compromise on, that rainbows is cheap and her kids could also do it and does he really want to be the parent that stops his dd doing the one thing that she loves doing more than anything else?

If you can come across as reasonable then you've got a greater chance of him listening to you.

Only if he can't listen to reasonable do you then talk about redefining contact in court. If you go in all guns blazing then hes going to attack back.

Then look at the gf picking up from school situation. How does your dd feel about this. Does she like the gf?

Oops typos - he is hero worshipped.

@slipperywhensparticus - totally agree about watching the clothes! I had exactly that issue when DS1 was little. His Dads girlfriend had a DS 6 months younger and it was amazing how much clothing went "missing" then the other boy would be wearing something identical the next week....

OP- good luck this morning , I hope your Ex and his delightful GF aren't knobs to you. I could have written this post 8 years ago and it's making me angry reading it!

We're all right behind you..

Fish - daughter doesn’t really like the new family. She says the girls are mean and don’t like her touching their stuff. I assume they are also a bit unsettled by all this change are just being normal children. I assume ex is here all the time when daughter is with me.

She doesn’t say much about the girlfriend and I don’t like to ask too often, just general questions about whether she had fun and what she got up to.

She thinks the childcare arrangement is just temporary - I haven’t corrected this as I suspect one way or another it will be!!

Wow! She is a CF! If she had said that to me I think I'd have lost it and told her to fuck off as she isn't her child!

If they have only been together 5 months why is she dictating so much and picking her up from school??

I'd rethink the 50/50 contact if it was me. In fact I'd probably do it to be spiteful so I could claim csa haha just to piss the gf off even more! (Lighthearted!)

About the clothes though - that's none of her business! Next and gap aren't designer and are completely normal for children to wear! I shop all over for my children, George, primark, next etc if I'm in a shop and like the clothes I get them!

Glad you have a supporting bf. he sounds great!

I agree your Bf does sound like a keeper. What a great attitude you both have.

Tbf I can't blame your ex thinking that the gf looking after dd for free is a good solution. It saves him money and to him she appears to be good, reliable childcare. Of course he should have discussed this with you.

From his point of view I can see see why he might view your objections as unreasonable. To him his gf is a part of his life and the two families need integrating. I would approach this by seeming to agree with him but again approach it from your dd's well-being angle.

Say that whilst long term this needs to happen, it's just a bit too early and dd is struggling with it. 5 months is a bit too early and that perhaps everyone could go a bit slower. Perhaps compromise on the gf doing one night. Can you afford to cover the cost of reinstating the childminder the other nights? Tell him how it appears from your dd's perspective, appear to understand the difficulties he's facing integrating two families but advocate on your dd's behalf whilst still appearing to support his long term aspirations.

It would be a shame for things to become acrimonious after working well for so long. Things are now changing though and you and dd will have to accept some new changes. You will need to pick your battles. The activities are definitely worth standing firm on, but try to do it whilst maintaining good relations with your ex.

Fishwifecalling - why should op pick up the rest of the childminding bill? Ex doesn't even pay for the extra activities? She shouldn't have to pay more!

Ignore her and do what's right for your child

I agree hardy that the op shouldn't have to.
However the ex trusts his new partner is good childcare. It saves him money. He has a right to make decisions just as the op does. His solution isn't unreasonable although we all agree it's not the best solution and he should definitely have discussed it with her.
The op could go in fighting or she could try working with him so that all parties are happy. If that means it costs her more and she can afford it, then that might be the compromise.

Or she could go to court and create acrimony when it might be possible to avoid it.

Who knows, that might be where they end up, but it's worth trying to work together first.

However the ex trusts his new partner is good childcare. It saves him money. He has a right to make decisions just as the op does.

So does that mean he's got the right to withdraw her from qualified care to any random he feels like entrusting her to? What's the criteria?

She has the right to take it to court. But is that the best solution?

5 months they have been together ..... 5 months!!!! I wouldn't even introduce a new partner to my children that early if me and dh split!
It's not a good solution now even if he is saving money on childcare as the new gf obviously is jealous of the child!
I'd be worried that type of behaviour could lead to her being mean to the child!

The GF said that her dd is spoiled. That alone would make me take my dd back home!

Cf' ery of the highest order!

Is your DD perhaps taking more toys with her as the other children don't want to share their things ? This area needs some careful parenting. I am also a bit concerned your DD didn't feel comfortable/at home with them.

I'd hate it too. But I would try the friendly route first.
Remember the fable of the sun and wind trying to get the man's cloak off. If the op can afford to pick up the cost of resuming most of the childcare and if she can persuade the ex it's in the dd's best interests to do all the club's, then she's achieved her objectives with no acrimony.

If it doesn't work then she goes to court, but it's worth taking a different route first.

Agree with fish - much better for the child to keep things amicable, even if it's more difficult for the op. Especially as gf may not last.

Sounds like the gf may be getting the blame for failures on the father's side. It would be annoying to have to take someone else's child to activities you couldn't afford for your own. The father needs to do this himself. If he's working all the time he can't. On the other hand it sounds as though op works a lot as well. It might be in everyone's interests for op to have the child most of the week, as clearly the gf isn't really happy about the extra work, and that's fair enough. It's not her job and something needs to change so that she doesn't have to do it.

How did it go this morning OP?

What a difficult situation. Can you try again to meet with your ex to discuss and if he won't then take it through the legal system?

How did pick up for swimming go OP

Just back from swimming.

Arrived at ex’s house and girlfriend was not there, so I suggested ex come with me and we chat over coffee during the lesson (it’s only half an hour). I think they had had a row!!!

So the girlfriend is not running daughter to after school clubs - she doesn’t drive. She objects to my daughter talking about them to her girls. Her girls aren’t interested in rainbows, but want swimming and gymnastics. Apparently the girlfriend thinks my daughter is ‘lording it over’ her girls by saying she is going to these activities - and girls then complain to their mum that it isn’t fair. My daughter would not boast about swimming because she isn’t a big fan. She is very excited by gymnastics and got some kids equipment for Christmas so probably does chatter on about it. But at that age I don’t think it’s showing off. Ex agreed, and very disloyally said his girlfriend has an inferiority complex so is critical of anything she precieves to be middle class (I had no idea kids gymnastics was considered elite!!). He claims he wants our edaughter to keep on with the activities.

The clothes and toys are causing a problem because the other girls have access to daughters bedroom when she is with me, and the toys especially are then appearing in the girlfriends house, my daughter has thrown a few strops, so the girlfriend says she is difficult to manage and won’t share. Even though her girls also won’t share either!!

MY blood was boiling but I kept it calm. I even thought I might start to cry at one point - my poor little girl.

The real problem is money. The girfiriend wants them to move in together and ex has used money as an excuse/reason. The childcare was supposed to free up enough money to allow them to move into a place together. But it hasn’t therefore girlfriend feels like she is just free daycare for my daughter. Really isn’t room for them to all stay in one place when daughter is there so ex collects daughter and either heads to his house or to rainbows or gymnastics.

Soo ... I calmly suggested that I take our daughter during the week, allowing him to spend more time with the girlfriend. He can take her on a sat night and they all might get on better. And if they do decide to move in together they don’t need a bigger place if daughter is only staying one night a week. Or she can visit during the day and sleep at mine. I said our financial arrangement didn’t have to change, and I would cover all the daycare.

While I am sad for my daughter that she seems to have become an inconvenience, this arrangement seems to be workable and is the exact outcome I wanted. My mum wants to become more involved and do a day or so after school and I had already talked to work about dropping some hours so I can totally swing it.

I am still a bit worried about how my daughter is being treated by this lady, I am really pleased she will be spending less time there - ex also thinks I am doing him a favour, so it’s win win.