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Original poster

Ex objects to after school activities

184 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 18:57

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 01/03/2019 21:36

If she is close in size to her daughter watch her clothing disappear

Might be time for a trendy primark shop?

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 21:45

I’m not sure what exactly it is about the clothes she objects to - primaries not that much cheaper than next and gap surely? It might be that she thinks daughter has too many. She loves packing outfits to go to her dads. More clothes might make it worse!!

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 01/03/2019 21:47

@dietcokemegafan
Just because you buy kids clothes from supermarket doesn’t mean OP has to.
It’s no ones business.

dietcokemegafan · 01/03/2019 22:05

@Ghanagirl

my post did say that she can buy her clothes wherever she wants - the comment was in response to the OP saying that she thinks the GF may think she's got a lot of money. If she sees that all the child's clothes come from relatively expensive shops that may be part of the reason she has that opinion

Cla9 · 01/03/2019 22:07

for the last month or so she has been collecting my daughter from school and looking after her on his days (which is another story/issue).
This is the issue. She’s watching your daughter and presumably taking her to activities now she resents that her own children can’t join in. Your ex really needs to step up here.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2019 22:08

You can shop where you like but most people would consider next and gap for special occasions.

How can you make such a sweeping comment? A lot of Next is reasonable and Gap often do 40% off anyway. Everyone's circumstances are different.

Oswin · 01/03/2019 22:18

So you provide all clothes? And activities?
Wtf. How dare she push her nose in. I would be losing my shit with him and stop 50/50.
Shes being spiteful towards your child already. She will get worse.

combatbarbie · 01/03/2019 22:19

I'd be telling your ex to get his Gf on a leash! Who is she to tell you what your DD will and will not be doing!

I'd be having a very frank conversation with ex and if what she has said is true then I'd be terminating the 50/50 immediately....this does not bode well for the future OP

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 22:20

I only buy gap when it’s 40% off - which is most of the time!!

I don’t buy designer clothing for my daughter - it would be a huge waste, but I like these brands. I had always thought of them has fairly standard - my daughter certainly doesn’t stand out amongst her peers - infact many have the same items.

I really resent this lady making an issue of my choices - she claimed my daughter has too much, which I thought was quantity rather than cost per item.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 23:16

for the last month or so she has been collecting my daughter from school and looking after her on his days (which is another story/issue).

But also one for this discussion.

He has had 50-50 for a long time, his dd is used to having that time with him and he has always achieved it. Why has this changed? Has there been a major change in his circumstances, so that he can no longer care for his DD for the same lengths of time? If so - custody needs to be changed.

If it is in fact that now his GF is on the scene, he no longer feels he needs to be there and she can take over just as well - um, he is 100% wrong. If anything, his DD needs to see that he is still prioritising her through a time of change, and helping her adjust. He's handling this phase VERY badly if there is no real reason why she is suddenly doing pickups. If so - contact needs to change.

One thing that is to be made 100% clear is that you won't be accepting a continuation of 50-50 where your DD isn't actually getting 50% of her time in the care of the person with parental responsibility for her. Unless there is a damn good reason, the GF is NOT part of your DD's parenting and won't be considered so for a very long time, and if he is going to not be there, she will be spending that time with you.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/03/2019 23:22

it sounds like you don't have a court order, so I would box slightly clever and bear in mind what you want to happen.

Keep calm and simply remove the options from him, citing your DD's wellbeing. You will take over swimming if he cannot prioritise it. You will collect from school - his time? Hang on, hasn't he said his GF is picking her up? So he's not there? Then he has no say, he isn't using his contact time so no, you would rather her be at home than with a woman who is petty enough to trawl through a child's clothes and show jealousy which your DD might pick up on.

Respond to situations by removing your DD, and when he disagrees, throw it back to him. So he wants his dd to lose her swimming lessons so his new GF isn't insecure? Right. So he thinks that your DD should spend the afternoon being baysat by his GF rather than stay at home if he isn't there - can he explain why that is preferable? Can he explain why that is putting his DD first? Drop in a few comments about this being the right way to start making your DD end up resenting the pair of them...

If things do degenerate, hopefully by the time any court situation emerges, your DD will actually have been spending significantly more time with you than him, and that can be formalised.

Document everything - every missed pick up by him, every comment.

Don't respond to her at all. She isn't party to your conversations and it's of no significance what she thinks.

And her comments on clothes are simple insecurity and jealousy.

Weenurse · 01/03/2019 23:27

DD needs to learn to swim to be safe.
The difference between Mum and Dad’s lifestyle will become evident over time.
Maybe encourage her to take less to Dad’s or have him buy clothes he thinks are suitable.

Nearlythere1 · 01/03/2019 23:30

@FizzyGreenWater you're good at this haha

Notcontent · 01/03/2019 23:33

Don’t back down on this. As you say, there is a chance they will stay together, and if they do, this will only get worse... It is not right for your dd to be deprived of opportunities just because your ex’s girlfriend is jealous. You need to sit down and have a discussion with your ex. Don’t threaten court but explain in a calm manner that it is usual for children to continue with their usual activities during access with the other parent.

MadeForThis · 01/03/2019 23:35

He met this woman 5 months ago???

If he was any father he wouldn't even introduce such a new relationship to your dd.

How can she dictate what activities your dd does? And limit them because she doesn't pay for her DD's to go?

It's fucking disgusting. Well done for keeping your cool.

TBDO · 01/03/2019 23:57

OP if you were to have DD more, could you cope without any maintenance from your ex (it sounds like you can?). If you can, I’d suggest making it clear that if you have DD more that you won’t be asking him for maintenance. Otherwise you risk this new gf getting into his head that you only want DD more to get money out of him.

You’ve made a fe me comments that make me believe your DP is financially better off that your ex. The ex and his gf prob think yours loaded and have a nice life between you and your new DP, that’s what will be driving the ‘your DD has too much’ comments.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/03/2019 00:33

What's the betting he knows nothing about the content of her conversation with you?
My feeling is that she is doing all the running about to the club's whilst he is elsewhere. This would not be an issue if he took her to her clubs on his tod. This is obviously a problem between them and she is feeling put upon, taking it out on you and dd. A firm word in his ear about boundaries, responsibility and a repeat if exactly what was said is in order. She is way too bold to be saying this to you, who works your butt off to provide for your dd.
He needs to step up and parent his child or reduce contact if he is unable to cover the time with her suitably.

lunar1 · 02/03/2019 04:10

Why is it 'time for a trendy primark shop'

That isn't where the op buys her DD's clothes. What if dads next girlfriend won't be seen with the DD unless everything is a branded label? Does the op have to go shopping again?

This woman is way to involved, and shared care is meant to be between the parents, not palmed off onto whoever he happens to be dating.

flumpybear · 02/03/2019 05:06

Bloody hell!!

This woman is manipulating you and your ex and playing your child off against you both, if she's even spoken to him about it - this may just be what she's telling you

Personally I'd tell her thst life isn't fair, you're a career woman with a decent salary and you're buying your child clothes fitting your lifestyle and she's not down playing her existence just because this 5 month old relation ship twatty woman is jealous of the ex (you) which is what's happening here.

After school activities are not to be missed, swimming is a life skill, she enjoys gymnastics and rainbows is virtually free anyway - if the girlfriend doesn't like it, tough luck, she gets no say, tell her it's your money and ex pays nothing for it, her clothes or anything else for that matter and if she's hell bent on ruining that and prizing herself between you, your daughter and her dad then she's got a fight in her hands plus you'll take majority custody and he'll have to pay you some of his money

This woman is a bitch and should be watched at all times

I absolutely wouldn't allow sleepovers the days he has her as it's ridiculous she doesn't get a bed ffs .... where's she in the fucking equity stakes then .... she's not going to get her daughters sharing their beds I'm sure ... the set up doesn't work

Don't stand for any shit ... she's jealous of you and trying to get st you via your daughter ... bloody bitxh

flumpybear · 02/03/2019 05:07

Oh and also if your ex can't be there to look after his daughter than she should stay home with you not be allowed to be with this wretched excuse for a mother

Wallywobbles · 02/03/2019 05:44

We have shared care of my DSC. Their mum has always refused to take them to activities. We are in France so activities are all on Wednesdays. We offered to have the kids an extra overnight so they could still do them and she works that day so they just sit at home. She refused point blank.

Sometimes people dont really believe there's any advantages to their kids doing them. And their Dads house legally it's his choice.

Original poster
Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 07:31

Can’t sleep - been up since five. Swimming is at 10am.

Boyfriend thinks this lady is crackers and he now wants to buy daughter a lot of designer bling to get under her skin. He also thinks the clothes thing is about me as apparently my corporate wardrobe is intimidating ? He has offered to be my stylish for the swimming pick up - and is searching the house for tracksuit bottoms. Idiot😂

THAnk god he stays out of the parenting wars as he would blunder in with a poorly timed joke that would make a bad situation worse.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 02/03/2019 07:37

Op just wanted to say you are handling this with great dignity and are a fab mum. Your exs gf is a nutter.

DailyMailWankers · 02/03/2019 07:40

Did your ex ever answer the phone? Does he know you're coming to get her?

I would consider going to court to try and get a more stable schedule now she's older and wicked step woman is one the scene

proudestofmums · 02/03/2019 07:45

OK so gf thinks her children and yours should be treated equally financially. So presumably if she wins millions on the lottery or has a huge inheritance your dc will be given the same amount as her children? Same logic