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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex objects to after school activities

184 replies

Dippypippy1980 · 01/03/2019 18:57

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

OP posts:

SpotlessMind · 02/03/2019 12:30

If the GF is looking after your daughter after school now then I can see why she takes issue with having to facilitate clubs etc if she’s having to do that with her own kids in tow, that would certainly emphasise the differences between them in a very explicit way - but that’s categorically not your daughter’s or your problem - this is a problem your ex has created, and the girlfriend shouldn’t have agreed to take on care of your DD if she had a problem with what that would involve. I wonder if your ex is paying the GF what he’s saving on the childminder, would explain why she agreed to this arrangement and why she doesn’t want to give it up.

averythinline · 02/03/2019 12:37

However you will also be going to CMS for maintenance as he is now having her only 1 night a week..... - you should be - as wil lbe picking up all teh chidlcare and activities......stick it a savings acount for yoour dd for university/driving lessons whatever if you dont need the actual cash on a daily basis...

if hes such a drip of a dad he cant stand up to his gf on your daughters behalf - and you are enabling him to be then he should def be contributing to her life...whats going to happen in holidays?

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 12:38

Good outcome. It's a shame for your dd though that he's given up so much time with her.
He doesn't seem blind to his gfs faults so I wonder if it will actually last. I hope not for your dd's sake.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 12:40

There are excellent summer scheme locally, and now that my mum has retired she will take her for a couple of weeks. BEtween that and our family holiday the summer is pretty well covered. My mum will do Easter.

I know I am bribing them to get what I want - but for the time being I am happy to go without maintenance just to have my daughter out situation.

OP posts:

smallereveryday · 02/03/2019 12:42

Well done OP. ! This is exactly what should happen. A )relatively)calm conversation that puts your child's wellbeing at the front and centre.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 12:43

Fish - to be honest I don’t think it will last. I think the cracks are starting to show and they have gone form forcing everyone together too fast to dealing with the reality.

I feel sorry for the other girls as well. Kids are bound to get territorial, and my little angel can be as stroppy as the next child. Bit it felt like no one in that set up was fighting her corner.

OP posts:

billybagpuss · 02/03/2019 12:45

Your update did make me smile, well done on getting the outcome you wanted

You're ex does sound a bit dim though, giving up that much access time to me seems crazy. I hope your DD copes ok with it and doesn't feel too pushed out by daddy's new family.

WarpedGalaxy · 02/03/2019 12:45

I wouldn’t engage with this woman at all. She doesn’t get a say in your dd’s activities or the clothes she wears. That is between you and her father. If this woman can’t afford activities and clothes for her children that’s between her and their father. I’m sorry their joint finances don’t allow for them to move in together because he has a financial duty to support his child, but he has a fucking financial duty to his child! I can’t believe people are seriously suggesting this is anything but unreasonable behaviour. The gf doesn’t have to take your dd to activities, your ex does. His problem he needs to deal with it. Take him back to court.

autumnkate · 02/03/2019 12:46

OP you have handled this magnificently.

This is a great example of handling things calmly and tactically and you are a GREAT mum. Hopefully your ex will get tired of playing happy families with this plonker and move on soon.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 02/03/2019 12:46

He's an absolute utter tosspot of a father isn't he. Willing to see less of his daughter than step up and stand up for her. And a wanker of a partner to the woman he's willing to slag off but still use for childcare and sex. Thank God he's not your problem in that way anymore.

I'd wait until the dust settles on your new improved arrangement and then make it formal.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 12:53

I think I can explain to reduced access to daughter by saying I will be off work an afternoon and her granny has retired so wants she see her after school. She was spending more time with the girlfriend than her dad anyway and she didn’t like the new after school arrangements . I will say her dad now wants to have weekends because they are more fun so he will collect her after swimming.

I don’t think his will solve everything - he will still have to take her to birthday parties (which trend npto be on Sunday mornings round here), and I am sure there will be comments about that. But I have stressed I don’t want her to miss out on her childhood because his girlfriend doesn’t approve of our lifestyle.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 02/03/2019 15:01

The girlfriend sounds vile!! I hope your ex knows what he is letting himself in for, red flags everywhere!! And at a cost of his relationship with his daughter but hey if he wants to be her lapdog your DD is better off out of it.

So presumably all DDs things at dad's will now be coming to you before they end up "lost"

Lovewineandchocs · 02/03/2019 15:25

I'd wait until the dust settles on your new improved arrangement and then make it formal

Couldn’t agree more, it’s a great outcome and formalising it through a court order means no-one can piss about with arrangements. I’m really pleased for you and your DD, OP

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 02/03/2019 15:30

YANBU and I would get a court order via a solicitor on the grounds that he is disturbing her status quo and negatively impacting her current existence.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 15:42

Nicely done. Very nicely done!! Medals AND gold stars.

Hopefully your ex will get rid of dippy soon.

Do her kids go to their Dad’s? If they do maybe you can suggest giving them some childfree time together and having DD some Saturday nights. I’d hate never having her a whole weekend.

But tonight. Celebrate 🍾🥂🍹🥤

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 15:45

I wouldn’t DO anything. Let this go on for as long as possible. If there comes a time he wants to change it, and you don’t, then just tell him you don’t want to because you don’t think it’s in DD’s best interest 🤷🏻‍♀️ He will have to take you to court to change it as DD is settled with the new routine and as DD gets older it’s not likely to be changed by the courts.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 15:58

I am in the bath with a glass of wine!! How decadent

The girls dad is out of the picture apparently. I get the impression he doesn’t contribute.

I want my daughter to still have her bedroom at her dads, but I am going to start bringing some stuff home so her favourite stuff (thati bought) is at my place. FROM now on she can take anything she wants (apart from the ipad which would cause world war 3) as long as it comes home.

IF they move in together and there isn’t no bedroom for her in the new place I will make sure all her stuff that I have bought comes back to mine.

I suspect I will have her some weekends - ex goes on a lot of football weekends and we agreed she is only to go to him when he is actually looking after her (although a few hours is ok - just not girlfriend being solely On her own with her for the whole visit). You know, seeing my daughter is so spoilt and difficult 😔

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 16:07

😡🤬🥊 she’s a right gob on legs isn’t she.

I’d be lying in the bath plotting my come backs!! I’d want to wipe the flour with her, after knocking her head off her shoulders! Bitch.

But I’d take sweet joy in having got my way and having DD almost all the time.

I hope your ex sticks to you having her if he’s not going to be there or picking her up later/dropping her off sooner etc. It’s a bit if a Pita not knowing exactly what’s what, but I’d rather that then her be alone with twat face for long periods.

(Funny how your sub conscious works isn’t it. I called her ‘dippy’ earlier my SC must have picked it up from your user name. Sorry 🌷)

IncrediblySadToo · 02/03/2019 16:08

Bloody iPhone. Why change floor to flour?!

RandomMess · 02/03/2019 16:08

You have negotiated a good outcome for DD. If in a few years ex is living with new woman and still no bedroom for DD etc then I would go for maintenance on principle tbh.

Your ex is being led by his dick and ditching his daughter whilst playing Daddy to his gf DDs what an idiot!

mummmy2017 · 02/03/2019 16:24

Your daughter is lucky to have you .
This woman will be jealous what ever you do. On the money she gets she could afford the brownies or gym, mine always did clubs and it was always the same mums you saw ,that made the effort for the children. Also why didn't your ex offer to pay in return for the childcare.

Original poster

Dippypippy1980 · 02/03/2019 16:38

Mummy 2017, I agree ex could have enrolled them in gymnastics. It’s abour £80 term plus a £25 insurance payment. They have a leotard they have to wear, which is another £25 per child. Hefty enough for two, but signifantly cheaper than the childminder.

The swimming lessons are quite a bit dearer, but they are one to one. If the girls want swimming lessons there are other options.

I think she is starting to realise he is a bit cheap and selfish, and not quite the flashy rich bloke he pretended to be at the start.

OP posts:

cstaff · 02/03/2019 16:45

Well done OP. Nicely played.

mummmy2017 · 02/03/2019 16:50

I had to laugh when my ex and his new lady met his mum.
The woman told MIL they were broke as ex paid me £1000 a month maintenance ..this was 10 years ago...
My MIL said no. He gives her £380 a month, and that I used to pay out of this for all the food shopping when they visited him, and my children always paid with money for setting out and days out, as he was always broke .

MzHz · 02/03/2019 16:52

She’s a cf in the making... the female equivalent of a cocklodger in the making!

He needs to be VERY careful here, this woman is going to fuck up his life and his daughter’s.

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