Ex objects to after school activities

[Dippypippy1980]

Some may remember I posted here last month about shared custody with my ex and his very new girlfriend.

I haven’t raised the issue of changing the custody agreement, but I have explained my limits on his lady’s involvement in my daughters medical care and education.

I Dropped my daughter at my ex’s after school today and the girlfriend was there, he was not, I had my daughter’s swim stiff with me for her lesson in the morning and the girlfriend informed my they had decided all children should be treated the same and as she couldn’t afford all the after school activities my daughter has the she wouldn’t be attending them when she is with them.

There aren’t that many - swimming, gymnastics and rainbows. I think this is pretty normal for a six year old. She loves gymnastics and rainbows, swimming can be a struggle but I feel strongly that everyone should be able to swim. I didn’t want to start a row, and his girlfriend (who has been on the scene for five months) really can’t be taking this decision. She also told me that they beleive my daughter Is spoiled and it’s not fair on her girls. Apparently she hasn’t too many clothes and toys.

I’m not really sure what I am asking - I am ringin my ex later to say I am calling over in the morning to take my daughter swimming. I don’t think I am being unreasonable - after school activities are a normal part of childhood, and my ex as perfectly happy to take my daughter on his time b fore the girlfriend appeared,

I really don’t want her involved in my child’s life - and I do hope they split up. But she may be in our lives for a long time and I don’t want her to take out her dislike of me on my daughter

They might well do. But to warn you - sadly a more common outcome with something like this is for a man like your Ex to gradually fade out.

He's already unwilling to be the father he was, and to stick up for the coparenting arrangements you already have. There may be many reasons why the GF is being like this, and having to juggle treatment of her children v your DD when she is there 50% of the time may be part of it, but sadly she's equally likely to simply resent your DD and would be only too keen to make coparenting difficult.

So don't placate her. Stick up for your DD if her father won't and if he can't find his balls, don't see your DD put in a situation where she's pushed out in her own home. Better to come down hard and pull her out of the 50-50 arrangement if it looks as if the GF will effectively be calling the parenting shots.

She needs to back off and I would get main residency of the child as 50/50 is not being in the best interest of your child if your ex can be this easily manipulated to stunt her growth.. Think its time for solicitors and full custody!

I commend you for not punching her.

I am very much against violence, but trying to deny your child something so basic would be infuriating to me.

Learning to swim is so essential. That one I would go to court over.

Obviously you have to talk to your ex. Hopefully he is a reasonable man because it isn’t possible for kids to be in activities if they can only happen during one parent’s custodial time. I’ve seen so many heartbroken kids have to drop sports because their dad won’t allow them to participate in his time, even if mom comes and does all travel. It’s awful because we should be encouraging kids to be active.

And also, coming down hard might give him the shock he needs. Don't let this turn into a drip drip of small infractions, GF overstepping and you gritting teeth, and next thing you know it's gone completely to shit and you're no longer really talking to him (if she wants to, she'll soon manage to engineer that situation). Bottom line is if he's like this now, then GF is going to be the one in charge, it isn't going to work and you may as well go nuclear now, while there's a chance he would drop her/warn her. You really have nothing to lose.

You're her mum. Hard core. Nope - this won't work for me and my daughter, so it ain't happening.

I think I have been too passive. We split when our daughter was tiny, and back then 50-50 seemed so natural. I am really uncomfortable with it now.

This lady is so suddenly spending so much time with my daughter and our parenting style totally clashes. My ex will have complained I am an intimidating career woman (a reason we split). It’s like she is focusing on money issues to play into these old arguements (or maybe I am over analysing this).

She sounds jealous of your child. I can see how if she has no money to provide these activities for her children it might grate on her, her children being left at home and seeing your child going off to her activities.

If they were in a serious relationship, living together etc with all the children and your dd was there half the week, it probably would be better for her to be the same as the other children, it would obv be better if the womans children were also doing activities rather than your dd not doing hers though! I think if families do become 'blended' all the children have to be treated the same for it to work.

Also everything (a b and c) FizzygreenMountain said. 50/50 custody needs to change if the girlfriend and your ex intend restricting your daughter's activities.

They won't like that. If she is saying they can't afford to send her children to activities, they will afford a whole lot less if the 50/50 custody stops because maintenance for your daughter would increase.

Frankly whatever the girlfriend's motive, hostility towards your daughter or resentment of her having what her children can't, I would not allow a child of mine to spend 50% of her time in the home of a person who has this attitude towards her. Do you really believe she is treating your daughter equally to her own? There are very subtle ways to be unkind/unequal. For example the cinema trips, pizza out, ext ext ext which always happen to occur on the parts of the week your daughter isn't there. You seem the only one looking out for her interests op. It definitely seems that this woman does not have an agenda which includes considering your child's interests.

Op, I can't believe how calm you're being. She's a cheeky cow and the writing is on the wall. She's here to make trouble and drive a wedge between your ex and you and your daughter.

Having a good career means that you can provide nice things for your daughter.

Maybe if she did that, her children would have nice things too.

Don't let her wiggle into your head and make you start doubting yourself.

I would have told her to fuck off turned round put my daughter in the car and took her home. Cheeky bitch

YANBU.

I would suggest that you try and have her activities scheduled so that she doesn't go on his time.

The reality is that there will always be people who have more than her children do, and people who have less. I would be asking her, if one of her children's school friends made comments about going to Disney World, would she be going to that mom and saying how DARE she take her kids to Disney when other people can't afford it, and she SHOULDN'T be taking her kids because it's not fair to the rest of the class? Of course not! She needs to have a conversation with her girls about how some parents can afford to do more for their children than other parents, and not whinging about how she can't afford to do the same for her children.

SHe chooses not to work - which is absolutely her choice, but she must realise there are financial sacrifices involved.

My ex can be funny about money, and likes to pretend he has more than is the case. I wonder has he claimed he is partly funding our lifestyle.

YANBU with bells on. GF just sounds lazy and is making up excuses to justify her can't-be-arsedness. Either that or she resents any time away from her spent with his own daughter. Rainbows is one of the cheapest activities going. She should have absolutely no say in anything to do with your DS or her parenting 5 months in. I think it says a lot about someone and their level of cheeky fuckery that she thinks she's entitled to express any views whatsoever. Most new girlfriends would be keeping a respectful distance from you and all aspects of parenting at this stage. I'm raging on your behalf. I think you've been calm and dignified. He really does sound spineless.

If she doesn’t work then moving in with your Ex will impact her benefits. She probably wouldn’t be risking that if she didn’t think he was loaded.

I’m an idiot - I hadn’t even though about the benefits angle. THey both live in two bedroom houses, and I had objected previously to my daughter sleeping on the floor or sofa when staying at her house. After an initially aggressive response, ex agreed my daughter would sleep in her own bed st his night on school nights, and he does seem to be sticking to this. AS Far as I am aware they don’t live together, ugh for the last month or so she has been collecting my daughter from school and looking after her on his days (which is another story/issue).

I would be livid.
She doesn’t get a say in this.
You are right to collect your daughter and drop her back after swimming.

Wow.

You absolutely cannot let GF's response stand and need to meet with your ex to discuss moving forward. FizzyWaters' suggestions were excellent.

They'll be even more short of money if they have to pay maintenance, you can calmly point this out if you have to suggest changing the custody arrangements due to his prioritising of his 5 month girlfriend... wow in and of itself there. 5 months in, and she's calling the shots about YOUR daughter. No way.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She’s absolutely irrelevant at this stage - only been around for 5 months so can’t yet be seen as longterm.

I’d be furious, I’m glad you are going to try and speak to your ex alone, I guess all you can do is appeal to his better nature and consider why his DD should lose out just because he’s taken up with someone of more limited means.

The girlfriend’s logic is flawed anyway - your daughter is with you 50% of the time and will always go back and talk to her daughters about what she’s been doing, the girlfriend can’t control what you choose to do with, and spend on, your daughter - I’d be tempted to be massively petty and book a trip to Disneyland for you both during your contact time . Hope the talk goes well.

Can you use this as a way to get formal contact agreed?

I think you did really well to stay calm. I hope your ex is reasonable about it.

God this just gets worse. I'd absolutely put my foot down about your daughter staying at the new girlfriend's full stop, as well as her picking her up from school. That's her dad's responsibility, and she is clearly harbouring resentment towards your poor daughter. I wouldn't want her near her.

It sounds like you have to rethink the contact arrangements now that this lady is such a big part of your ex's life. It's a change of circumstances and that must be impacting your DD. Maybe visit a solicitor, see if mediation is an option, discuss how your ex is going to support his DD's interests.
Definitely pick your DD up to take her swimming in the morning. It's none of your ex's new lady's business what activities DD does. If anything her role is to support them.

I think you need to get a child arrangements order that is worked out in such a way as to put your child's welfare at the forefront.
This sounds very much as though a more traditional EOW arrangement for him with you having residency.
His life is too erratic at the moment and she needs some stability which he can't provide. He seems to be trying to fit his child around his new relationship. Rather than vice versa.
I am not blaming his new DP it looks like he has palmed his child care off to his new gf and then expects her to facilitate activities that she can't afford for her own.
This is not on - but his fault although she needs to say he needs to care for his own child

With you as resident parent and only with him every other weekend and maybe taking a picking up from rainbows in the week - she has less disruptive time, gf isn't dumped on and you can facilitate all the activities you want her to do.

One word of warning though. You cannot (and a judge will tell you this in no uncertain terms) when she is with her dad - as an equal parent, you can have absolutely no say in what he does on his time.
But it's only the weekend so that is a much better set up than present
I would be filling out my C100 from HMCTS tonight. He has to mediate first though - so you may get an agreement you can get the court to rubber stamp if he is prepared to be reasonable.

I am definitely taking her swimming - we have a big family holiday planned this year and her cousins all swim. She will be raging if she is left out, as there will be loads of kids water sports. She also needs to be safe by the water.

I have a feeling this will only get worse as the girls get older. I will hopefully never spoil my daughter, and I try my best to thwart my boyfriends well meaning extravagant jestures, but she will have holidays and school trips etc that unfortunately these girls (if they are still on the scene) might not have access to.

I was going to tell ex if he doesn’t want daughter to wear the clothes I buy then he will have to buy suitable clothes for his time. But daughter is now old enough to notice and I think it would be unfair (she picks most of her own clothes and is developing quite a sense of style😳).