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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men playing hard to get

130 replies

OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:53

I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation before or can offer any wisdom?

I’m very attracted to a guy who gives an outward impression of being cocky but I think he’s really shy. He’s attractive. If we were going purely on looks I would say he’s an 8/10 but he always goes for women who are far less physically attractive (5-6/10). I’m not sure why. I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Anyway, we have been flirting for months. I have left our company to take a promotion elsewhere and at my leaving drinks he opened up to me a bit. He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

So since I left we have chatted about every 3 days. He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

So my question is, has anyone ever met a guy like this before? Do I keep on initiating things until he’s more comfortable and opens up more?

Or is he just not interested? If he’s so shy that I have to keep initiating contact then that’s absolutely fine but sometimes I wonder whether he just wants me to go away??!!

I should add that he’s been very complimentary about my looks and personality in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:54

By the way, we’re in our 30s so not Spring chickens!!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 28/02/2019 10:56

He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

No, I’m wondering why you didn’t ask him out in view of what he said.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/02/2019 10:59

However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

Sounds like hard work, OP, really hard drawn out excruciating work.

Either that or he enjoys you doing all the running.

Lacypants · 28/02/2019 11:02

He likes having the power of having 'less attractive' women running after him and then feeling grateful for any scraps of interest he shows to them.

In other words, a cunt.

Willowtreecottage · 28/02/2019 11:13

lacy Grin
But true!

Justmuddlingalong · 28/02/2019 11:17

Is there anything stopping you inviting him out for a drink? Possibly that would put an end to the hand wringing, one way or another.

Beechview · 28/02/2019 11:20

I wouldn’t bother with that.
He never initiates contact with someone he knows fairly well and is interested in because he’s that much of a coward or that shy?
I wouldn’t buy it.

beefthief · 28/02/2019 11:21

@lacypants Please claim your Judgemental a Poster of the Day prize from reception.

Lacypants · 28/02/2019 11:33

Cheers @beefthief but nah.

He's able to be 'vulnerable' enough to tell op that he's a coward who won't make a first move... but he can't just put the balls it's takes to open up to someone like that to just... Fucking make the move?

Passive ex... Not a looker...

Doesn't message but responds immediately to op when she messages, so the reward she gets for chasing keeps her interested.

He wants her to chase him because it makes him feel powerful, or because it amuses him, or because he's just a dick.

And don't fucking @ me to be snarky at me, I don't appreciate being summoned here by email just to read you posting exclusively to call me judgemental.

userschmoozer · 28/02/2019 11:34

I briefly dated someone like this and Lacypants was right about him. He turned out to be a complete shit.

beefthief · 28/02/2019 11:36

@laycpants you can turn the email notifier off. Hope this helps.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/02/2019 11:42

I agree with @lacy we all know a bloke who dates unattractive women and I quote 'they're just so grateful someone will shag them' Shock Every pub has a twat in like this. I would point out, boyish good looks and charm dont hang around past 50 when they are bald, pot bellied and verging on the edge of creepy. This, 'Neil', is why you are a sad, lonely bloke, still living with your mum.

'Neil' of course is a pretend name Grin

LancsPear · 28/02/2019 11:43

That sort of behaviour would be a complete turn-off. He's far too old to be playing games even if he's an 8/10, looks fade.

Lacypants · 28/02/2019 11:53

Well no @beefthief it doesn't. Because I would like to be notified when someone tags me in a reply, because mostly they are contributing to the conversation and I don't have a problem with my attention being called to a reply to me.
You just wanted to reprimand me publicly for not giving this blatant helmet of a man the benefit of the doubt, and you wanted to make sure I knew you had done it.

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:03

I haven’t encountered this type of man before. All my male friends who lookswise range from 6-9/10 go for women who are more attractive than them! And often more intelligent!

My guy who I fancy is very intelligent, funny, handsome (although probably not everyone’s taste), has an amazing job. Without wanting to sound arrogant, I’m intelligent too and a 8-9/10! Is he intimidated??

He did tell me that he had a bit of a reputation at university for attracting/mopping up the more homely girls. Wouldn’t it be more of an ego boost to have an attractive woman on his arm? I honestly don’t understand it. Please can someone explain the psychology to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:04

Butchyrestingface, I didn’t ask him out because he has a strict no dating at work policy and I was hoping he would ask me out. I knew he asked his ex out so why not me?

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:06

Lacypants so is it all a power thing? I thought he would be grateful that I fancy him! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:07

Justmuddlingalong, I think he’s scared to meet me. That’s the impression I get. Why???

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 28/02/2019 12:09

He is not intimidated, he's passive aggressive. It might not all be about the power, it might also be a way of evading all responsibility and emotional connections. If you just go with the flow nothing is ever your fault.

If you want to date someone who is not involved and never there for you, now's your chance.

Beechview · 28/02/2019 12:11

A friend dated someone like this once and he was an arse. Whenever they had an argument (which was often because he was such an arse) he would throw ‘well you chased me! I wasn’t even that interested in you’ at her all the time.

I think Lacy is right. He just wants the upper hand.

Blankpaper · 28/02/2019 12:11

based on his behaviour, I think he’s not really interested in you, but he wants to keep YOU interested in him until something better comes along.

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:13

If it helps form a clearer picture of him, he also makes out that he doesn’t have a heart, although clearly does. He gets passionate and emotional about non relationship things. But he seems to have this wall up around his heart. He has also never broken up with someone, they have always broken up with him. Reasons unclear or not forthcoming.

OP posts:
moosesormeece · 28/02/2019 12:14

I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Knob off.

Maybe he's just not that into you? I know personally that when someone starts giving other human beings a numerical attractiveness score it makes me want to have nothing to do with them.

janetforpresident · 28/02/2019 12:15

In my experience if someone openly claims to be shy they are not shy at all.

Bin him off

And stop rating people's looks out of 10 you sound like you belong on an episode of the Inbetweeners.

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:15

Blankpaper, on paper I would agree with you but why tell me all these things that he genuinely appears to think/feel about how beautiful I am and how much he rates me. Plus we have all this other weird stuff going on... coincidences, finishing each other’s sentences, etc.

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