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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men playing hard to get

130 replies

OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:53

I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation before or can offer any wisdom?

I’m very attracted to a guy who gives an outward impression of being cocky but I think he’s really shy. He’s attractive. If we were going purely on looks I would say he’s an 8/10 but he always goes for women who are far less physically attractive (5-6/10). I’m not sure why. I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Anyway, we have been flirting for months. I have left our company to take a promotion elsewhere and at my leaving drinks he opened up to me a bit. He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

So since I left we have chatted about every 3 days. He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

So my question is, has anyone ever met a guy like this before? Do I keep on initiating things until he’s more comfortable and opens up more?

Or is he just not interested? If he’s so shy that I have to keep initiating contact then that’s absolutely fine but sometimes I wonder whether he just wants me to go away??!!

I should add that he’s been very complimentary about my looks and personality in the past.

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 28/02/2019 12:16

Just tell him about a bar you have found, say your going to treat yourself to a drink on Friday after work...
See what he says..
Do not exactly invite him, just let him know your going.
Then see if he turns up.
You can act surprised pleased he turned up and see what happens
If he doesn't turn up , he isn't worth chasing.

WitsEnding · 28/02/2019 12:17

I agree with Lacy. XH was like this and is now complaining on FB about how lonely he is, in the hope that someone will make all the running, forever.

It's all about what he wants, regardless of what you might like.

Michaelbaubles · 28/02/2019 12:17

You’re romanticising with the “wall up around his heart”. Or maybe he’s just a player who doesn’t want a relationship but does want sex and that’s a good way of making women feel like they might be in with a chance of “getting” him? You know, because let’s face it we’re all vain enough to think we’re special enough to tear down that wall...

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:17

You’re right. It was wrong of me to do the marks /10 thing. It was just a way to explain things.

OP posts:
janetforpresident · 28/02/2019 12:18

but why tell me all these things that he genuinely appears to think/feel about how beautiful I am and how much he rates me
To keep you interested

userschmoozer · 28/02/2019 12:19

Flattery doesn't make a relationship. You are looking for reasons to chase him, when you should be looking at the red flags.

tattooq · 28/02/2019 12:21

I also agree with Lacy. Sorry OP, I don't think many adults think in terms of rating people out of 10, life doesn't work like that. And he can't be that great if he's making you do all the work and has always been dumped by ex girlfriends.

SoftPlant · 28/02/2019 12:22

If he was into you, he would have texted you. You say you text him every few days, so it's not like your existence has slipped his mind. He's not that into you. I know it's not what you want to hear.

As to why he's replying to your texts, sounds like he's keeping you on the back burner - either because there's someone he likes more, but he's keeping you as a back up, or just out of boredom.

ShartGoblin · 28/02/2019 12:26

Sounds like he's terrified or rejection and confrontation and the alcohol made him brave enough to tell you that. I'm the same as him but I'm lucky as I'm female so it's generally expected that men will make the fist move (I don't agree with it but would likely be very single like him if that wasn't the case).

From what you have said, the leap to him playing mind games is a bit ridiculous and I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him out. Look out for red flags certainly but going out on 1 date is hardly going to hurt. Give it a shot and be prepared to walk away if it becomes clear his confessions were a lie.

SurgeHopper · 28/02/2019 12:29

Either text him and tell him you fancy him / want to shag him or forget him and move on.

Ain't nobody got time for that shit!

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/02/2019 12:32

Lacypants has called it, I totally agree with her.

By all means ask him out, give it a go but don't be surprised if he turns out to be a dick.

MashedSpud · 28/02/2019 12:34

Too much hard work. He's laying the foundations of power and he has it all and if you complain he will simply refer to his original reason of not making the first move.
Stop contact and let his ego take a hit.

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:36

ShartGoblin, thank you. Yes I guess he’s terrified of rejection. That would explain him going for ‘safe’ options in the past. And maybe these dumpings have just made his fear of rejection worse.

I wonder why he’s so scared of rejection.

I did tell him a story about me asking a guy out when I was about 18 and he was really surprised at how ‘brave’ I was. So I guess that’s a big deal to him. But he did ask his ex out but I think he had known her for many months already and maybe he was confident that she would say yes.

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 28/02/2019 12:38

You won't find out what he's like after 1 date.
You will find out when you need real emotional support for a serious reason.

JellyBaby666 · 28/02/2019 12:39

Don't get sucked into his game. Ask him out, or leave it. You know he's capable of contacting someone he likes, or using his words to express his feelings, don't infantalise him by excusing his ridiculous behaviour. If you like him, great, ask him for a drink. But I think you're wasting your time!

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 12:39

In my experience if a man really likes you they don't play games or play hard to get.
It really shouldn't be this complicated.

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:39

If I ask him out I think he will wriggle out of it. Not sure why. I think he’s scared. Maybe he’s scared of the sex side of things for some reason.

Years ago I went out with a guy for 2 weeks, things were hotting up and suddenly he dumped me. I was surprised and hurt because no reason was given. Years later we actually went out with each other again and it turned out that he had body image issues and was terrified of us having sex. We broke up again after a couple of months and didn’t go ‘there’. Could this be a similar thing?

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 28/02/2019 12:40

Ask him.

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 12:41

If I ask him out I think he will wriggle out of it. Not sure why. I think he’s scared. Maybe he’s scared of the sex side of things for some reason.

Years ago I went out with a guy for 2 weeks, things were hotting up and suddenly he dumped me. I was surprised and hurt because no reason was given. Years later we actually went out with each other again and it turned out that he had body image issues and was terrified of us having sex. We broke up again after a couple of months and didn’t go ‘there’. Could this be a similar thing?

You are projecting massively. Just ask him out. If he says no it means hes not that in to you - don't over analyse. just move on!

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:43

MashedSpud: Stop contact and let his ego take a hit.

I might do this. At the moment I feel like I have a one sided friendship and that he’s making a fool of me. But my fear is that I will never hear from him again and it will be because of his hidden reason and I will have given up on him. I really fancy him! And really like him!

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 28/02/2019 12:44

You're over-thinking it, just ask him out.

and stop subconsciously ranking people on their looks

Hellohappy · 28/02/2019 12:44

I would be worried he had a very fragile ego.

What a weird thing for him to say about the ‘homely’ women but he might be a man who is easily intimidated and that does not bode well for an exciting sexual relationship if that is what you are looking for (might be off the mark but reminds me of an ex.)

Hellohappy · 28/02/2019 12:45

Cross post there about the sex so I think you could be right.

Adeste · 28/02/2019 12:46

I’m totally perplexed at the idea of rating looks, personalities and worrying about who should make what move? Is this a real thing?

CostanzaG · 28/02/2019 12:49

My DH told me when we met that the majority of men are simple creatures. He said there are no hidden depths, so secret or unknown parts of personality. He was clear that game playing is not what most men do. These comments have stood me in good stead for our relationship as it means i don't over analyse him or his behaviour.

Read the signals - he's not that into you. You could ask him out but if he says no it isn't because of some hidden thing.