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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men playing hard to get

130 replies

OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:53

I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation before or can offer any wisdom?

I’m very attracted to a guy who gives an outward impression of being cocky but I think he’s really shy. He’s attractive. If we were going purely on looks I would say he’s an 8/10 but he always goes for women who are far less physically attractive (5-6/10). I’m not sure why. I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Anyway, we have been flirting for months. I have left our company to take a promotion elsewhere and at my leaving drinks he opened up to me a bit. He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

So since I left we have chatted about every 3 days. He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

So my question is, has anyone ever met a guy like this before? Do I keep on initiating things until he’s more comfortable and opens up more?

Or is he just not interested? If he’s so shy that I have to keep initiating contact then that’s absolutely fine but sometimes I wonder whether he just wants me to go away??!!

I should add that he’s been very complimentary about my looks and personality in the past.

OP posts:

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 28/02/2019 15:00

Maybe he doesn’t want to date someone who is stuck in year 10 rating all the boys and the completion on a scale of 1 to 10. And just because you rate yourself a 9 it doesn’t mean everyone else will.

IvanaPee · 28/02/2019 15:03

Fuckboy.

CruCru · 28/02/2019 15:06

Honestly, I’m not sure that a guy in his 30s is likely to be so shy he couldn’t initiate contact with a woman he was really interested in.

When men like you, they do things like ask you to meet them for dates and tell you that they like you.

Put this one on hold. Meet some other people.

GinUnicorn · 28/02/2019 15:06

Sorry OP I think you are hugely over thinking this. If someone is interested they let you know by words and actions. He is doing neither.

You deserve someone who is making an effort to be with you and this guy just doesn’t seem that bothered.

BaronessBomburst · 28/02/2019 15:16

He knows you fancy him.
He's throwing you enough to keep you interested.
He's wasting your time because you stroke his ego. It's never going anywhere.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/02/2019 15:22

This is all rather Samantha Brick-ish...

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 28/02/2019 15:29

Oh, give over! You've spent months making a total fool out of yourself for this guy, who sounds like a total twat. All this projecting about his feelings and rating women he dates and blah blah blah he hasn't given you a second thought. Just reading your posts I'm cringing for you because they're just so desperate and pitiful over this guy who is 100% as lacypants summed him up in a couple of sentences. Seriously, just move on and get a self esteem.

TheGoddessFrigg · 28/02/2019 15:30

But he seems to have this wall up around his heart

But not around his dick... He's just a fuckboy. He denigrates his ex girlfriends, ranks women by scales of attractiveness and has already made it fairly clear he wont date you.

CruCru · 28/02/2019 16:44

I’ve been having a think about your OP. I think the reason you are getting a hard(ish) time is that this scenario is ordinary enough for very young women - I could have written a version of your post when I was 15/16/17 - but is unusual for a woman in her 30s. This, coupled with the ranking thing, makes me wonder whether you actually have rather low self esteem.

If you follow your scenario through to its conclusion - this man does really like you but can’t (for whatever reason) tell you or ask you out, this has the potential to be quite upsetting. I think in your OP you said you were okay with doing the running but really, are you? Having a boyfriend who has such serious psychological issues that he can’t take things forward without you having to lead him will end up leaving you quite lonely.

If he isn’t actually interested then that is a shame but not the end of the world.

The most grown up thing to do may be to message him and suggest meeting up. If he doesn’t leap at this then stop contacting him.

Be kind to yourself. Make sure that you mix with lots of different people. Perhaps take up climbing (or another sport where you can meet athletic men). Even if you are shy, it sounds as though you are nice looking with a good job (you mentioned promotion). There’s no need to get hung up on one man, particularly if it is always you who has to contact him.

bugeyedbarber · 28/02/2019 21:52

He has also never broken up with someone, they have always broken up with him. Reasons unclear or not forthcoming.

If that's true and all that guff about pulling homely girls and how he's a coward and all the "I'm really shy and vulnerable behind this Ken doll face and a six pack" act then I'd say that they ditched him for being at once manipulative and dull as ditch water.

Ditch him before you drown into a deluge of non-committal texting for eternity with your 8/10 soulmate.

sizzledrizz · 28/02/2019 22:02

You will be doing all the arranging of everything
It will make you feel unwanted
The sex is likely to be shit
He needs to much attention

ASurfeitOfDuncans · 28/02/2019 22:09

Even Dido moved away from guys like this.

DoctorDread · 01/03/2019 00:15

@Piffle11

xsquared · 01/03/2019 00:24

Doesn't sound that great if he's playing mind games with you.
I also find the ranking people's attractiveness out of 10 and calling his ex's homely juvenile and weird.

No. Sounds like a time waster to me.

Sparklesocks · 01/03/2019 00:47

Not to be harsh but I don’t really believe the ‘I’m scared’ line, not to rehash cliches from ‘he’s not that into you’ but generally if a man is interested he will make a move.
If you want to know where you stand you should ask him out, but it feels a bit like he’s enjoying having the attention from you without having to actually follow through.

KC225 · 01/03/2019 07:17

I think he would have been up for it on your leaving do hence the bit shy/won't make the first move chat. But now, I think he likes the ego boost of you messaging him.

I used to work with a guy like this - loud tutt or fake eye roll over texts from girls 'chasing' him. But responding straight back with flirty flirts and giving off mixed messages etc. I thought it was lack.of experience or naivety to begin with but he knew what he was doing. When one of the girls bored and moved, he was not happy and he was quite mean. I asked if he felt he had missed the boat? Did he regret not making a move but he said no - I think he loved the ego boost of it all.

Decormad38 · 01/03/2019 07:20

The reason he goes for less attractive women is so he can play them. Leave well alone.

saccade · 01/03/2019 07:22

Based on this

“He did tell me that he had a bit of a reputation at university for attracting/mopping up the more homely girls.”

And whether that is your language or his;
the fact you’d engage with a man who said this and still not just entertain a relationship with this person after he said such a thing, but have also essentially echoed this thinking in your OP - proves that you are not an 8/9 out of 10.
(Did he say this apropos of nothing - how did the conversation come about I wonder...?)

So you fit right into his usual category. Probably even lower if he won’t even ask you out as now he has witnessed the full ugliness of your thinking

NotANotMan · 01/03/2019 07:23

He sounds absolutely dreadful as a potential boyfriend and I can't believe you would put yourself through this nonsense one more day!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 01/03/2019 07:30

God..,
I’m with Lacey

This man sounds like hard work but you seem fixated on pursuing him anyway so....

Look forward to the future posts about your “relationship” and elements of his baffling behaviour that you just can’t understand because he is such a shy enigmatic mystery

Cuttingthegrass · 01/03/2019 07:32

Well I’m guessing you don’t want to stop contact, you’re scared that he’ll ‘wriggle out of’ a date if you ask. So the only option for middle ground is to say ‘your turn to text me next I’m always initiating our contact’.

Charom · 01/03/2019 08:52

What’s with all the numbering of people’s looks OP. It sounds very childish and shallow. You would probably be a 2 - 3 in maturity.

People who think they are good looking usually aren’t.

wheresmymojo · 01/03/2019 10:38

he also makes out that he doesn’t have a heart

^ When someone tells you who there are, listen.

wheresmymojo · 01/03/2019 10:39

*who they are

wheresmymojo · 01/03/2019 10:41

@ASurfeitOfDuncans

Even Dido moved away from guys like this

This. Spot on and also made me

OP: We're pretty much all telling you the same thing, take note, this won't end well if you pursue it.

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