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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men playing hard to get

130 replies

OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:53

I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation before or can offer any wisdom?

I’m very attracted to a guy who gives an outward impression of being cocky but I think he’s really shy. He’s attractive. If we were going purely on looks I would say he’s an 8/10 but he always goes for women who are far less physically attractive (5-6/10). I’m not sure why. I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Anyway, we have been flirting for months. I have left our company to take a promotion elsewhere and at my leaving drinks he opened up to me a bit. He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

So since I left we have chatted about every 3 days. He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

So my question is, has anyone ever met a guy like this before? Do I keep on initiating things until he’s more comfortable and opens up more?

Or is he just not interested? If he’s so shy that I have to keep initiating contact then that’s absolutely fine but sometimes I wonder whether he just wants me to go away??!!

I should add that he’s been very complimentary about my looks and personality in the past.

OP posts:
OunceOfFlounce · 28/02/2019 12:50

Seems unlikely that, if you do begin a relationship, he will suddenly start behaving like a grown up. Do you really want to spend your life interpreting, coaxing, comforting etc someone who won't do the same for you?

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:52

Hellohappy, when he was telling me the story about the homely women, I think he realised he shouldn’t be saying it so kind of swallowed the story. I didn’t react to it.

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 28/02/2019 12:53

As per a PP, I've found that every man who has really wanted me has had no problems getting in touch, making dates, making an effort. And that's across a range of personalities from v outgoing life and soul, to really quite shy (including high functioning autism).
The ones where I was speculating and second guessing etc.......they just weren't really interested. Take from that what you will.

Also, "mopping up the homely ones" would be a giant red flag to me........

Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:57

Hellohappy, I was initially attracted to how masculine and manly he was but I’m beginning to think that he’s not like that. He does project that though. I agree about the sex life. I had imagined he’d be all potent and passionate but now I think he might want a partner to dominate him which isn’t what I want from a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 12:58

Also, "mopping up the homely ones" would be a giant red flag to me........ What does it mean Alconleigh? What’s the psychology behind it? As I say, I haven’t encountered this before.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 13:00

Thanks also to the people who are saying that if he wants me he would just ask me out. I get this. That’s why I’m confused. I would give that advice to a friend too.

OP posts:
Moomintroll3 · 28/02/2019 13:01

I have known two guys like this op, good looking, seemingly very interested but too shy or too intimidated etc. They both turned out to be massive time wasters who weren't ready or capable to have a relationship which is fine, but they still liked the buzz of our mutual attraction and my attention to them.

My now husband is shy and was even shyer when we met but still called me up and asked me out, didn't play games etc.

If you want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt the ask him out and see what happens but if he starts being evasive, saying he's scared etc then move on. He's likely just another time waster.

Alconleigh · 28/02/2019 13:06

Re the red flag on the homely comment, I just meant that the implied meaning of "I used to date all these mingers and everyone agreed I was out of their league" indicates all sorts of unattractive ways of thinking.......which is more important than how pretty he may or may not be.

DoctorDread · 28/02/2019 13:07

Is he Paul The Wine Guy???

Ellisandra · 28/02/2019 13:11

Google “breadcrumbing” - the Internet has a word for this.

Your /10 thing is just weird.

user1473878824 · 28/02/2019 13:13

Bloody hell OP, "I think he's this, I think he's that". Now he's into S&M and you've never even asked him out!

beefthief · 28/02/2019 13:17

Apologies, @lacypants I retract my messages.

Justmuddlingalong · 28/02/2019 13:17

You have spent months trying to work him out. You still can't work him out. Move on.

SparklyMagpie · 28/02/2019 13:19

Not sure why @@beefthief was being abit of a tit towards Lacey? :S

OP this seems too much hard work, either do something or bin it all off

SparklyMagpie · 28/02/2019 13:20

Ahh I see beefthief has realised

CryptoFascist · 28/02/2019 13:30

Sounds to me like you assume he should fancy you because of this strange looks ranking thing. Maybe he just doesn't go for your type?
Example - I don't fancy conventionally good looking men, would choose a Jack Black over Jason Momoa any day. Maybe he prefers a girl next door type and you leave him cold.

MsVestibule · 28/02/2019 13:35

OP, I think you have two options:

  1. Ask him out, see what he does/say. What have you got to lose? If he says no, fine. If he says yes but messes you about, at least you tried.
  2. Stop texting him. If he's interested, he'll wonder why and contact you. If he's not interested, then your flirtation will just peter our.

Option 2 would be the most sensible one, but the heart wants what the heart wants 🤷‍♀️. I just know that every proper relationship I've ever had all started normally - no game playing, we just naturally became boyfriend/girlfriend after a few weeks. Those who messed me around never amounted to anything apart from weeks of angst.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/02/2019 13:35

The last time I dated was in 1993, so I'm a bit out of touch, but with the benefit of age and experience, this seems too much like work to me. I might have got caught up in the drama/nonsense when I was 20, but now at 45 I'd be having none of it.

Wouldn't you rather put your energy into finding someone more straightforward and honest? This whole situation seems really manipulative. Game-playing (outside of a few fairly obvious situations!) is really unattractive. The best relationships are fun and easygoing and make you happier, not angst-filled and complicated and designed to keep you on the back foot the whole time.

MulticolourMophead · 28/02/2019 13:51

OnTheAvenue I think you should take a step back and a really good look at your posts and the responses here.

You are clearly desperate to date this man. It shows, just from the posts you've made. It shows because you are eagerly responding to those who offer the smallest crumb that this guy might be on the level with you. Which means that if this chap had any intelligence, he saw it, too.

But, I agree with LacyPants that he's not into you, for all the reasons given. There are a good number of red flags here, and I think you should just walk away/delete his number/etc. I've met men like this before, and it is a power play. You're the one chasing, you've given him the power in any relationship you may have with him.

It's far more likely that this chap is just responding enough to keep you on the back burner, rather than actually being too shy to initiate anything. That he even said that was a red flag to me, he was setting you up there.

SparklySneakers · 28/02/2019 14:04

Biscuitfor scoring people for attractiveness.

sirfredfredgeorge · 28/02/2019 14:05

You've got a completely screwed up idea of attraction, there is no single 0-10 scale of attractiveness, different people like different things, a 6 on someone's scale might be a 10 on yours. Just because you rate yourself better than his ex's, doesn't mean he does.

It's the same with "amazing personalities" btw, not everyone actually wants someone with what you think of as amazing, maybe they actually like quiet, shy, passive, or maybe that person is only quiet, shy, passive in whatever environment you met them in. In another environment they're totally different again. A snapshot meeting doesn't tell you enough.

If you're interested, ask, one thing is clear, he's not going to ask for some reason - some of those are fine if you're happy with them (important to him to be submissive, lack of confidence) others are not (he's a git) but it doesn't actually matter much unless you care enough to ask.

Piffle11 · 28/02/2019 14:25

@DoctorDread OMG he is, isn't he??!!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/02/2019 14:33

He's enjoying the attention. If he really wanted to go out with you he would ask you out. You're wasting your time.

SoftPlant · 28/02/2019 14:36

So he's never asked you out, he never texts you first, he didn't even ask you out when he'd been drinking at your leaving party, and you think if YOU asked HIM out he'd "wriggle out of it"?

Errr... he doesn't like you!

Men are perfectly capable of asking a woman out, even the shy ones. If they really like a woman, they'll swallow their fear and do it. That's what text is for. Or alcohol. Even though you are a "8-9/10" or whatever you think of yourself, he doesn't like you, sorry.....

Piffle11 · 28/02/2019 14:38

You want to date this man - so ask him out. His response will give you your answer. But TBH I think he will wriggle out of having to accept, and manage to make you think it's a compliment ('oh I would love to date you, but you're so beautiful and I'm so scared that it won't last and you'll dump me, then I will have lost a special friend'). He's keeping you interested by saying lovely things to you - if he were genuinely interested he would have suggested a friendly drink or the like. He likes to have someone to flirt with, but doesn't want to take it further with you. His behaviour would be annoying in a 16 year old but in someone in their 30s … no no no.