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Original poster

Men playing hard to get

130 replies

OnTheAvenue · 28/02/2019 10:53

I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation before or can offer any wisdom?

I’m very attracted to a guy who gives an outward impression of being cocky but I think he’s really shy. He’s attractive. If we were going purely on looks I would say he’s an 8/10 but he always goes for women who are far less physically attractive (5-6/10). I’m not sure why. I have only met one of his ex-girlfriends and she was very quiet, passive, didn’t have much to say. I’m saying this because it’s not just that he goes for women with amazing personalities instead of looks.

Anyway, we have been flirting for months. I have left our company to take a promotion elsewhere and at my leaving drinks he opened up to me a bit. He showed me his heart a bit and said he wants to keep in touch. However, he also confided to me that he’s a coward and won’t initiate anything.

I know you’re probably wondering why on earth I am interested in this guy!!

So since I left we have chatted about every 3 days. He NEVER initiates contact with me but he always responds eagerly when I text him and he calls me straightaway.

So my question is, has anyone ever met a guy like this before? Do I keep on initiating things until he’s more comfortable and opens up more?

Or is he just not interested? If he’s so shy that I have to keep initiating contact then that’s absolutely fine but sometimes I wonder whether he just wants me to go away??!!

I should add that he’s been very complimentary about my looks and personality in the past.

OP posts:
userschmoozer · 01/03/2019 10:44

Reader, I mended him.

outpinked · 01/03/2019 10:46

Him being a 8/10 and his exes being a 6/10 is incredibly subjective. One mans trash and all that...

You don’t sound like a 30 odd year old in this post at all. Find someone worthwhile, you shouldn’t have to chase anyone.

Pishogue · 01/03/2019 11:00

Reader, I mended him.

Grin

What about:

'Reader, I stopped texting him, and he never contacted me again, because of the Wall Around His Heart Hiding His Deep Inner Vulnerability. Not because he thought I was a 3/10, definitely not.'

ChuckleBuckles · 01/03/2019 11:15

“He did tell me that he had a bit of a reputation at university for attracting/mopping up the more homely girls.”

I would not want to be in the same county as someone who said this out loud let alone a relationship. Grading women like they are meat in a butcher shop window, do you not want better for yourself OP?

This guy is not some sensitive, shy soul waiting for the "right" woman to heal his damaged heart. He is type that keeps a list scoring their performance out of 5 stars and tells his mates about the totty he pulled last night and tossed out in the morning, probably describing her as a munter. Wake up to yourself. In a few years time this guy will be the sleaze sitting at the bar in the night club trying to pull girls young enough to be his daughter, chatting about bands they only ever heard their dad and his mates talking about. Hard swerve now.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 01/03/2019 11:18

Whilst he sounds a bit of a player, you don’t exactly come across well. Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, he just doesn’t fancy you...... I know that might be a shock, you being a 9/10 and all that Hmm

Maybe he thinks his ex-girlfriends were more attractive than you and that’s why he hasn’t asked you out. Maybe he thinks you’re pretty but doesn’t actually find you attractive

Who knows, but if he’s not bothering to make contact with you then he’s not interested. I wish i’d realised that when I was acting like you at 18 minus the shallow attractiveness scale and over inflated opinion of myself

k1233 · 01/03/2019 11:55

No matter how attractive someone looks on the outside it will never trump ugly on the inside...

Rating his prior conquests, mopping up the homely types - not attractive in the slightest.

Holidaysyes123 · 02/03/2019 10:46

I had a friend who went out with someone like this
I would say, don’t buy it ..

Nearlythere1 · 02/03/2019 12:35

OP, I swear you're describing somebody I was seeing a few years back, and he turned out to be a sociopath. This is one of the bits that did it "He gets passionate and emotional about non relationship things. But he seems to have this wall up around his heart". He was incapable of actual love really and was just playing a role.

MerQueennotMaid · 02/03/2019 13:40

JUST ASK HIM OUT!

RoboticSealpup · 02/03/2019 16:08

You both sound extremely immature. He seems to enjoy playing games with you and you seem to enjoy over-analysing his behaviour, so you might be a good match.

RoboticSealpup · 02/03/2019 16:09

Sorry. That was a bit mean. I can't think of a way to word it more sensitively.

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 16:14

I would ignore his past.

I would not compare myself to his other partners.

I would enjoy the experience of getting to know and work each other out.

I would try to enjoy the experience of taking initiative even if this felt out of the comfort zone.

I would get to know him and work out of he was someone who I trusted and could rely on.

belinda789 · 02/03/2019 16:23

"Faintheart never won fair lady"
He sounds like a non-starter to me...…..

xsquared · 02/03/2019 16:54

Surely if he's confessed to "mopping up the homely girls" then doesn't that include you as well?
I think that is a huge red flag right there. He doesn't sound respectful towards women.
Honestly, there must be other people worthy of your time?

Limensoda · 02/03/2019 17:20

Scoring people out of ten on attractiveness? Grin
You both sound about 15!

ukgift2016 · 02/03/2019 17:29

What is it like to be a 9 out of 10 OP? I never met a person who states they are a 9/10 before. What does that mean? You are a near perfection woman?

You must have men falling at your feet. What is that like?

Motoko · 02/03/2019 19:58

OP hasn't posted since Thursday, so I don't think she's coming back to the thread, because she wasn't getting the answers she wanted. She wasn't expecting to be told to steer clear of him, and she's desperate to go out with him. Just look at how she jumped on a pp's post that offered a more benign reason about why he behaves this way.

I just hope she doesn't end up in a relationship with him, because it will lead to so much unhappiness, and possibly abuse. Lacypants and MulticolourMophead have things down to a tee.

RoseGoldEagle · 02/03/2019 22:33

Sorry OP but he really isn’t interested.

I’ve been in the position, a fair few times, of really liking someone and trying to convince myself that their half-hearted attention is because they’re scared of commitment or their limited texting is because they don’t want to seem too keen, or a million other things that I’ve clung on to in desperation.

When I met DH, it was just so EASY, we clicked, fancied each other, he asked me out and was very up front early on about how much he liked me, and I was the same with him.

On that night out you talk about, he will absolutely have been left in no doubt about how much you like him, and if he felt the same he’d have made a move, or asked you out at a later date- it really is that simple. Even if you’re shy it’s easy to send a text seeing if someone wants to go for a drink.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you need to either ask him out (but given his comments he doesn’t sound like someone you’d want to go out with anyway- but I get that’s not how you feel!), or stop texting him. If you stop texting him, and a while later he starts texting you- unless he explicitly asks you out, don’t get sucked in- he may start a ‘hey, how are you, it’s been a while...’ type exchange-but this will be because he’s missing the attention.

Move on and forget this guy is my advice!

crimsonlake · 03/03/2019 00:33

How old are you 15 years? This analysing sounds very immature.

keepforgettingmyusername · 03/03/2019 00:59

Oh god this is like watching a car crash. OP rating themselves 9/10 out of 10!! Without ever considering that personality or friendship or chemistry or affection comes into play when choosing a partner.

He's not that into you OP. Even if he is an 8 and you're a 9. If a bloke wants you, he'll make sure he gets you.

JayneyMc4 · 03/03/2019 01:10

Jesus H Christ woman!! You have invented all these personality traits for this absolute bellend, you don't know him!!!
Stop acting like a dreamy teenager fantasising about a pop star.
He isn't interested, never will be, get out and meet a grown up, probably lives in his mums basement ffs.

DuchessOfPhysics · 03/03/2019 01:13

Assortative mating is a thing but you cannot really verbalise it for some reason.

However, his deliberate strategy of going for less attractive women so that he'll have more power is a massive red flag.

I agree that he wants to breadcrumb you.

Don't fall for his alleged fear of rejection or the wall around his heard. Blah blah blah. Nobody likes rejection. It's always a risk. Shy men DO ask women out. Shy men CAN if they want to ask a woman out.

Bubblegumgal · 03/03/2019 01:19

Maybe you’re not as attractive as you think you are? Or you come off high maintenance? Or conceited? Or too into your looks? Maybe you’re just not his cup of tea but he likes your attention? I mean if Cameron Diaz isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, the chances that you are are 0/10 😁.

RedTartanLass · 03/03/2019 01:31

He's just not that into you. If he was he'd be texting and inviting you out. You can analyse all you want my lovely but he ain't into you. :(

Seahorseshoe · 03/03/2019 01:59

Nope. That's not a trait I'd like, you'd never know where you stood with him. Sounds like hard work.