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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I a complete bitch?

196 replies

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 10:17

In our department (15 colleagues) there is always a collection for birthday presents. All but 3 of us are around 30, I and 2 others are 50 ish.
It was colleague A's birthday last week and I knew it was her 50th and mentioned it was a round birthday to another colleague who has worked there for much longer and knows colleague A better. I have been there since November.
We collected 50 pounds for a restaurant voucher but never actually made a big thing of it being colleague A's 50th birthday.
She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.
I had no idea she was so sensitive about it and have no problems myself with my age but have learned that others do.
I feel awful for offending her but the other colleagues could have also mentioned that it was not wise to draw any attention to the fact that it was a 50th birthday.
I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Was I a complete bitch to let slip that it was her 50th or is it a bit of an over-reaction on her part?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 26/02/2019 10:19

I don’t think you where being a bitch but I think in general it’s best not to make a thing of someone else’s age unless you know they want it to be a big thing

HollowTalk · 26/02/2019 10:21

She sounds awfully precious. She'll get over it eventually? That's good of her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/02/2019 10:23

I would have been baffled by her reaction and I've been 50!! Just treat her as you normally do and move on.

Auntiepatricia · 26/02/2019 10:24

She’s being an idiot. Keeping age a secret is so annoying and only women do it because we’re trained to think we’re only useful and of worth when we’re young and beautiful.

She is 50 and should be bloody celebrating rather than buying into the crap that there’s something wrong with older women.

Puddingmama2017 · 26/02/2019 10:24

I couldn’t get worked up over this at all. Very precious of her. Her colleagues aren’t going to be treating her differently because she’s gone from 49 to 50.

Sparklfairy · 26/02/2019 10:27

Seriously? When I turned 30 last year I made a big joke of it. You can't help how old you are, and you can't help hating it but it's purely your own feelings. You did a nice thing. She would moan if you hadn't acknowledged her 'big' birthday.

whasoaw1 · 26/02/2019 10:28

I don't feel you've done something to be "forgiven" for. The lack of gratitude for that £50 is a bit mad. You can't be expected to tip toe through life, it's just not feasible. YNBU. Just let her attitude blow over but don't bother with her in the future. Be civil at arms length. She sounds like she's out of touch with reality.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2019 10:29

Women are treated differently as they age.

Some people are lucky if they don't encounter it in their work or social life.

For some Women, the end of their fertility, or the possibility of having children, has come into their reality.

It could be that they are struggling with aging Parents and it brings it home that they are also getting older.

It's best not to draw attention to other people's age.

For most Women, 50 can mean 25 years of uninterrupted working (for maternity) , so the ageism we have in employment, doesn't make sense, but it's there.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2019 10:30

Sparklfairy, there's a big difference between 30 and 50, especially for Women.

OddBodsAndGladRags · 26/02/2019 10:30

The issue is hers. She has some hang up about her age. You'd be a bitch if you were aware of it and played on it. But sounds like an innocent 'mistake'.

pigsDOfly · 26/02/2019 10:32

I've never understood this reluctance for people to reveal their age. No you weren't being a bitch and whilst she's not happy about it I do think she's being a bit dramatic saying she can't forgive you.

I suspect she thinks she looks a lot younger than her age and wants to be seen by her younger colleges as their contemporary, which is a bit silly imo as it's highly likely they know she's a lot older than they are and treat like they would any other human being regardless of age.

I've always got on with my DDs' friends and I've never made a secret of my age.

Why is getting older seen as such a negative for women? Like that advertisement for Planter shampoo, which always annoys me when the woman whispers that it's for women over 40, as if being over 40 is something to be embarrassed and ashamed of.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 26/02/2019 10:33

She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.

Does she think the young 'uns thought she was 30 too or something? Did you blow her cover? They'll know she is older than them.

NCforthis2019 · 26/02/2019 10:33

Surely she must look older than the 30 year olds?!

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2019 10:33

I'd be very surprised if the 30 year olds all though she was 30 like them, they'll have known she was older. It also seems very unlikely that a group of 30+ year olds have suddenly started ostracising her be ause she's so very geriatric!!
OK so she didn't want people to know, maybe 50 Banners across the office made it all a bit real etc but it's not like you took out a full page ad.

You've apologised, just treat her as. Normal and move on

RescueRemedy21 · 26/02/2019 10:36

Once, a senior colleague of mine asked me to organise her works birthday do for her, she told me that it was a big landmark decade birthday, but acted coy about actually saying how old - like it was a game. It was really weird... She said that she wants to celebrate big time... She was bossy and horrible, anyone else would have just organises it themselves but I was young, fresh out of uni and so did as I was told. Her daughter, aged 25, worked at the company too. I had always assumed colleague was 50ish, so assumed that this must be her 50th birthday, given the age of her daughter etc. I realise I should have checked but there wasn't any doubt in my mind so I ordered massive 50 balloons, a fiftieth card, and presents, booked the restaurant etc. Colleague arrived and was so angry she threatened to kill me. Turns out she was 40!!! She made my life hell after that and I ended up leaving.

RiverTam · 26/02/2019 10:41

If her younger colleagues treat her differently then they are guilty of ageism and she needs to make a complaint about that, if it's that bad.

You weren't a bitch at all and this is 100% her problem. Either you can own who you are, including your age, or you can allow society's views to govern your sense of self. Surely the only way to deal with the fact that society has a negative view of women as they age is to hold your head high and prove the fuckers wrong, by doing nothing more than being you.

I'm a couple of years off this milestone, so maybe I'll feel differently then! But if my colleagues care enough about me to make a bigger fuss than usual then I would be very chuffed to be working with such lovely people.

Steamedbadger · 26/02/2019 10:41

I don't think you were a bitch but a lot of women don't particularly like drawing attention to their age

Alsohuman · 26/02/2019 10:41

Landmark birthdays can be a really sore point. 50 I didn’t mind too much but I swore if anyone sent me a card with 60 on it i’d never speak to them again. Fortunately everyone got the memo. I didn’t tell anyone at work that it was even my birthday.

Whatnotea · 26/02/2019 10:42

Brilliant RescueRemedy - that gave me quite a laugh

OP she is being precious, shrug your shoulders and ignore it. She have apologized (not sure that you needed to.

Yabbers · 26/02/2019 10:43

Women are treated differently as they age. It's best not to draw attention to other people's age.
Not drawing attention won’t stop them aging. It’s pretty obvious when a woman is older.

Are you suggesting getting her a birthday gift was the wrong thing?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2019 10:45

Some people don’t like a fuss or for people to know their age. Don’t understand it personally. I think it was kind of you to make others aware it was a big birthday but maybe it wasn’t the wisest decision as she hadn’t made it public.

CalmDownPacino · 26/02/2019 10:45

She is 50 and should be bloody celebrating rather than buying into the crap that there’s something wrong with older women

^ this!

Jojoanna · 26/02/2019 10:47

I’m very old and work in an office , I never discuss my age because it would be seen negatively and I already feel like methuselah

RosemarysBush · 26/02/2019 10:47

What was she planning to do when she retires?! Tell them she’s having a career break to go travelling?

Auntiepatricia · 26/02/2019 10:48

Birds, you are buying into and reinforcing the ‘50 is shit’ image. How will we ever get past this.

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