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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I a complete bitch?

196 replies

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 10:17

In our department (15 colleagues) there is always a collection for birthday presents. All but 3 of us are around 30, I and 2 others are 50 ish.
It was colleague A's birthday last week and I knew it was her 50th and mentioned it was a round birthday to another colleague who has worked there for much longer and knows colleague A better. I have been there since November.
We collected 50 pounds for a restaurant voucher but never actually made a big thing of it being colleague A's 50th birthday.
She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.
I had no idea she was so sensitive about it and have no problems myself with my age but have learned that others do.
I feel awful for offending her but the other colleagues could have also mentioned that it was not wise to draw any attention to the fact that it was a 50th birthday.
I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Was I a complete bitch to let slip that it was her 50th or is it a bit of an over-reaction on her part?

OP posts:
Littlenic73 · 27/02/2019 18:22

I don't think you were being a bitch if it was an innocent mistake, however, in future it may be worth checking how much people want to celebrate or just say it is an "0" birthday, which suggests important but discrete

Mumoflove · 27/02/2019 18:23

She needs to grow up and learn to own her age!!! Don’t think too much about it.

BunnyColvin · 27/02/2019 18:24

Society is incredibly ageist and if she doesn't want her age known and doesn't want a birthday celebration, that's her prerogative.

Saying that, it's funny you or others didn't know this already because usually people who'd rather be private about that sort of thing let it be known.

In one of my jobs, people were told when they started that it was 'tradition' to do cake on people's birthday, and they could opt out if they wanted - which is fair I think.

I guess lesson learned OP. Some people want their age private. Not weird. Just their prerogative.

What I do find weird is an adult who would straight up ask another adult their age. Wtaf? A bit tone deaf I would've thought. Anyway I digress.

Jojoanna · 27/02/2019 18:25

But people get hung up about loads of things, she can’t help having a hang up about her age?

daisychain01 · 27/02/2019 18:27

It's completely up to the individual to decide if they want their age to be public knowledge.

It's all very well saying people shouldn't care, people should be proud to be xxx age, bla bla bla, but if you've found yourself chucked on the scrapheap at work due to ageism then it changes your world view, and people have the right to their privacy. But they have to be consistent about it they shouldn't feel pressurised into disclosure, just to please other people.

If they've already mentioned it before, then they're being ridiculous getting precious about it, they should have kept their mouth shut in the first place!

Jojoanna · 27/02/2019 18:27

Plus it’s a bit ageist to suggest she’s lucky they didn’t assume she’s 60

ladymariner · 27/02/2019 18:27

Her problem, not yours. You did a really nice thing and she's being ungrateful. Yanbu

Mummadeeze · 27/02/2019 18:30

I would be pleased if people made a big deal of my 50th. We do make a fuss for milestone birthdays in my office and make more of a big deal than usual. I think it is nice!

Alsohuman · 27/02/2019 18:31

It was a nice thing. It would have been even nicer if her age hadn’t been brought into the celebration.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 27/02/2019 18:31

she can’t help having a hang up about her age?

She can, though, can't she? She could think to herself "I'm incredibly lucky to reach this age" or "how incredible to have lived half a century". I'm all for people embracing their feelings but being hung up on your age is vanity of the highest order and I don't have a lot of sympathy for it. It's self-indulgent and she probably ought to just try and be a little more grateful that those she works with wanted to help her celebrate.

Middersweekly · 27/02/2019 18:33

I don’t think you were being a bitch OP. Perhaps she tried to keep in with the younger colleagues but really she needs to get over herself! Perhaps she lied to them and now the cat is out of the bag she feels embarrassed?! I doubt anyone actually cares as much as she thinks they do or is likely to treat her any differently in the work place!

lumpinmythroat · 27/02/2019 18:33

Saying that, it's funny you or others didn't know this already because usually people who'd rather be private about that sort of thing let it be known.

This. Just make sure you never collect for her again.

I’d also be inclined at the next birthday to say “Hey Janet, remember that time we collected for your birthday and you completely overreacted?”

Ungrateful cow.

Alsohuman · 27/02/2019 18:34

It really isn’t vanity in an ageist society, particularly in a work environment. And everyone is entitled to privacy about their age - just like everything else really.

Chickenwing · 27/02/2019 18:35

Don't even worry about it. She sounds over sensisitive and mean for making you feel bad. Saying she can't forgive you is ridiculous. I'd jokily ask her for the gift back.

earlyrisingcat · 27/02/2019 18:43

@myimaginarycathasfleas

You mentioned it was a round birthday, everyone else concluded (correctly) it was her 50th. If she continues to be pissy with you, suggest that she’s lucky they didn’t assume she was 60, because she sure as hell wouldn’t pass for 40. She’ll then have something not to forgive you about. Silly woman.

So, this 50 year old woman could be mistaken for 10 years OLDER, but not 10 years younger?

Why is that then? Hmm

The woman in question over-reacted, and the OP did nothing wrong, but saying stuff like a 50 y.o. woman could easily be mistaken for 60, but never mistaken for 40, is just ridiculous.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 27/02/2019 18:43

Cannot forgive you Hmm

Ridiculous. She needs to get a real problem.

Jojoanna · 27/02/2019 18:43

I agree Alsohuman

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 27/02/2019 18:53

The woman in question over-reacted, and the OP did nothing wrong, but saying stuff like a 50 y.o. woman could easily be mistaken for 60, but never mistaken for 40, is just ridiculous.

Clearly, although that isn't what I said.

BunnyColvin · 27/02/2019 18:55

The woman in question over-reacted, and the OP did nothing wrong, but saying stuff like a 50 y.o. woman could easily be mistaken for 60, but never mistaken for 40, is just ridiculous

Agree. This is the type of ageist crap that makes people lie about their age in the first place!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 27/02/2019 18:58

I agree it’s her issue, does she think she doesn’t look 50 and that her colleagues actually think she’s 32 🤨

Alsohuman · 27/02/2019 19:00

It has nothing to do with how she looks but how she’s perceived in career terms, how are none of you getting this?

ToftyAC · 27/02/2019 19:00

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Precious? Much? She needs to get over herself and get on with it. No one probably even cares she’s 50.

BunnyColvin · 27/02/2019 19:01

They may not think she looks 32, but they may also not think she's 50. There's the whole matter of 18 years between those two ages!

Some older people actually could pass for a lot younger than their age and this actually does have an influence on how younger people react to them in the workplace.

BunnyColvin · 27/02/2019 19:03

It has nothing to do with how she looks but how she’s perceived in career terms, how are none of you getting this?

I know, right?

BossAssBitch · 27/02/2019 19:05

YANBU. Some people are disillusioned that they appear much younger than they are, but the younger people they work with will know they are older than them even if the older people don’t reveal their age! I can always guess someone’s age within 5 years either side.

Your precious colleague needs to get over herself, no one will care or be particularly surprised that she is turning 50