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Original poster

Was I a complete bitch?

196 replies

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 10:17

In our department (15 colleagues) there is always a collection for birthday presents. All but 3 of us are around 30, I and 2 others are 50 ish.
It was colleague A's birthday last week and I knew it was her 50th and mentioned it was a round birthday to another colleague who has worked there for much longer and knows colleague A better. I have been there since November.
We collected 50 pounds for a restaurant voucher but never actually made a big thing of it being colleague A's 50th birthday.
She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.
I had no idea she was so sensitive about it and have no problems myself with my age but have learned that others do.
I feel awful for offending her but the other colleagues could have also mentioned that it was not wise to draw any attention to the fact that it was a 50th birthday.
I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Was I a complete bitch to let slip that it was her 50th or is it a bit of an over-reaction on her part?

OP posts:
stevie69 · 26/02/2019 13:25

If she’s menopausal that can add another layer of bonkers and I say that as a menopausal woman

Oh, that's really made me smile. Those few words have made me at one with myself. And that's coming from another menopausal woman Smile

NWQM · 26/02/2019 13:25

Of course people are treating her differently now - she’s being a sensitive daft whatsit. If she has talked to others about this being unforgivable then surely she can’t really wonder why people are giving her a wide berth. Technically it was private info and on reflection you shouldn’t have shared it etc but you’ve apologised and she needs to actually act her age.

DarkDarkNight · 26/02/2019 13:27

She can’t forgive me but will get over it

Huge over-reaction from her. She’s really catastrophising. Sounds more like you had an affair with her Husband than revealed her age.

The 30-somethings didn’t think they were the same age. I wouldn’t pander to her, don’t give it a second thought.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2019 13:28

You can't win, I have seen threads on here, whereby people are upset as their birthday was forgotten at work, and ones that want it a secret, you are not a mind reader, most people are ok with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2019 13:30

She is being very immature and silly about it, and drawing attention to herself. Just act professionally polite with her and let the dust settle.

MorskieOko · 26/02/2019 13:32

I was 50 last year and made a HUGE thing out of it. Celebrations were eeked out over a whole month. Grin I am hardly geriatric. She will get over the horror I am sure.

FlagranceDirect · 26/02/2019 13:35

I wouldn't have liked it. I would not have said anything. But I wouldn't have liked it

Nor would I. It really all depends on how OP found out her colleague was turning 50. Given that she was pissed off about people knowing I'd assume she didn't tell OP herself. That's what I wouldn't have liked.
How did OP know? And if said colleague hadn't mentioned it herself, why feel it's OK to broadcast?

Having said that, I don't mind telling anybody how old I am, or who knows. But.
If somebody tells somebody else how old I am when I'm not there, it would make me wonder why it was necessary to make a point of it.

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2019 13:35

It sounds like it's a young company culture if there are so few over 50s there.

I was thinking this too. Context is everything. She may have already experienced subtle discrimination. I don't think you did anything wrong, OP, but as an older woman in the workplace, I do feel sympathy for her.

DaisyYellow · 26/02/2019 13:36

I’m sensitive about my age, even though I look young for my age. If age truly doesn’t matter, then it shouldn’t matter if I don’t want to tell you how old I am! I have my reasons for being sensitive about my age, but I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone. I will, however, say it’s nothing to do with thinking my ‘worth’ decreases as my age increases.

You weren’t being bitchy OP as there was no ill intent.

FlagranceDirect · 26/02/2019 13:38

I was 60 last year and I told everyone in a "omgi can't believe i'm so old" kind of way

You told them yourself. This woman didn't, somebody else did when she wasn't there. She has her reasons, however much pps feel the need to ridicule them.

StinkyCandle · 26/02/2019 13:39

it's not her reasons people are ridiculing, it's her complete over -reaction and patronising "she will get over it". How good of her Grin

amusedbush · 26/02/2019 13:40

She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.

Well, I'm fairly sure they all know she's not 30 just by looking at her. Age isn't everything - I'm 28 and my "work bestie" is 63. She's fab and we get on like a house on fire.

We always make a thing of big birthdays in our office and while one woman wasn't thrilled about turning 50, she was a good sport about the card/gifts/team lunch. I just don't see what's so unforgivable about telling people her age.

I also accept that I'm only 28 and may feel differently in twenty years.

Marlena1 · 26/02/2019 13:43

She sounds like a right dose!! I understand she might not have wanted people to know and why she mightbe a bit upset but they hardly thought she was the same age and also it was a genuine mistake. Saying she can't forgive you is a bit dramatic! Her issue, just write her off.

81Byerley · 26/02/2019 13:46

I think I'd have done the same as you, but then I've never been sensitive about my age! By the way, I think you sound lovely....and I'm 70 in July if you want a whip round....

Crabbyandproudofit · 26/02/2019 13:46

Unless you were revealing information that was otherwise confidential (eg you only knew how old she was because you have access to HR records) you did nothing wrong. You would be a bitch if you did it maliciously. If she has worked there for a while she must know that landmark birthdays are usually made special and I would have thought her closest friends would know how she felt. Perhaps she doesn't have close friends at work?

It's a shame she feels so sensitive about her age but I'm sure your younger colleagues don't think much about it at all. I don't want to belittle her feelings but please don't beat yourself up over this genuine mistake (I bet she hasn't refused the generous birthday present.)

Elphame · 26/02/2019 13:46

I'd have also hated to be "outed" like that too. It's all very well saying your age doesn't matter but like it or not, older women are seen differently in the workplace.

I never told anyone but HR my date of birth and as my birthday actually falls on a day most people try to avoid working it always went under the radar.

HazelBite · 26/02/2019 13:48

I'm in my 60's but I remember being sensitive about turning 50, the reason because I worked with a lot of 30 somethings who treated me like I was in my dotage, in fact thet treated me a bit like a child. It was very demeaning, but because I was in a new job I lacked the confidence to stand up for myself.
Be honest OP how do the 30 somethings in the office treat the lady in question?? Is it like she is past it? Does it give them the ammunition to nod and say in a whisper "She's 50 you know" as if this is an explanation for anything and everything she may or may not do!

FlagranceDirect · 26/02/2019 13:51

"she will get over it". How good of her

We don't know how it was said though, do we?
People can say "I'll get over it" in a less dramatic way than OP is implying.

I don't think OP was being a bitch btw. Just a bit over sharing of other people's business. I'd still like to know how she knew her colleague was turning 50. A few have asked.

bluebellforest · 26/02/2019 13:56

She's 50 and still needs to grow the fuck up!
She's the bitch, not you. An ungrateful one at that!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/02/2019 13:56

god she's mad.

I don't get all this angst about women and their age. I worked with someone for years who I knew for a fact was 10 years older than me …. every birthday she'd lie about her age and the gap was getting smaller and smaller …. if she hadn't left she'd have ended up being younger than me Grin.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 26/02/2019 13:57

The thing is if she'd have been honest the rest of the office would prob have thought "Hey she's looking pretty good for her age", instead of "shit, she must have had a hard life"

TooManyPaws · 26/02/2019 14:01

I'm 58 this year and I don't give a monkey's who knows at work. It's going to be fairly obvious that I'm in my 50s anyway and any discussions about when we did our qualifications, the age we'll get our pension thanks to the ever-shifting parameters, etc will make it even more obvious. I interviewed for and was appointed to my best ever job position after the age of 55. I'm looking forward to my 60th whip-round as our team always make a fuss of every birthday even if the non-noughts just get cake and cards!

Actually, looking back - I've got older and my men have got younger... Wink

wowfudge · 26/02/2019 14:13

Maybe her younger colleagues are treating her differently because she has completely overreacted and treated you badly when you tried to do a nice thing?

Strugglingtodomybest · 26/02/2019 14:17

You aren't a complete bitch OP, you tried to do something nice and it backfired. The whole forgiveness thing is dramatastic on her part too.

HoppityFrog3 · 26/02/2019 14:26

I suspect she thinks she looks a lot younger than her age and wants to be seen by her younger colleges as their contemporary, which is a bit silly imo as it's highly likely they know she's a lot older than they are and treat like they would any other human being regardless of age.

This. ^

What a thoroughly ridiculous woman, and what a pathetic overreaction.

I would tell her to stop being such a ridiculous, petty bint, and to get over herself. As a few others have said, she clearly thinks she looks much younger, and is one of the 'youngsters,' but trust me, they KNOW she is a generation older. If she is 50, she will pretty much look it. The vast majority of people look their age, even though some people think they don't.

A woman asked me to guess her age the other week, and I thought she looked 48-49, so I decided to be generous, and said 'ummm, 46?' She looked most indignant and pissed off, and said, 'no! I'm 45.' With a kind of Hmm look.

I guessed her age at ONE year older than her actual age, and she was fuming. She clearly thought she looked much younger, and probably expected me to say 38-39 or so. She actually looked OLDER than 46, not younger. (As I said, at least 48-49.)