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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I a complete bitch?

196 replies

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 10:17

In our department (15 colleagues) there is always a collection for birthday presents. All but 3 of us are around 30, I and 2 others are 50 ish.
It was colleague A's birthday last week and I knew it was her 50th and mentioned it was a round birthday to another colleague who has worked there for much longer and knows colleague A better. I have been there since November.
We collected 50 pounds for a restaurant voucher but never actually made a big thing of it being colleague A's 50th birthday.
She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.
I had no idea she was so sensitive about it and have no problems myself with my age but have learned that others do.
I feel awful for offending her but the other colleagues could have also mentioned that it was not wise to draw any attention to the fact that it was a 50th birthday.
I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Was I a complete bitch to let slip that it was her 50th or is it a bit of an over-reaction on her part?

OP posts:

Bochym · 26/02/2019 11:54

Engage brain before opening your mouth in future!

RiverTam · 26/02/2019 11:58

wow, that's a bit bloody rude, Bochym.

Yesicancancan · 26/02/2019 12:03

She is sensitive about turning the big 5-0. It’s not uncommon and in future avoid any mention of a persons age.

pineapplebryanbrown · 26/02/2019 12:08

Rosemarysbush very funny

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 12:12

Ffs its 2019. Surely by now people have got over the whole aging woman stereotype. Bloody hell. Some of my favourite friends are in their 50s and I’m mid twenties. It would never occur to me for a second to treat them differently because of their age. 50 isn’t old (many people are climbing mountains at that age) and it’s not like they’re not living in the same decade. Why would anyone give a fuck?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/02/2019 12:16

Not a bitch but maybe you didn't think it through. Ageism in the workplace is very real. If she'd not made a thing of it then you shouldn't have either.

daisypond · 26/02/2019 12:18

I'm over 50 (by a year or two) and I wouldn't have liked this. Vouchers for a birthday, lovely, but not announcing my age to the office. I work in a very "young" industry and I'm already the oldest here. There's a lot of ageism around, and 50 is a much bigger deal than 30 or 40 because it links in with menopause.

AhoyDelBoy · 26/02/2019 12:20

@RescueRemedy21

Oh dear! That’s hilarious!

lazyarse123 · 26/02/2019 12:22

Fgs she's off her rocker. You did a nice thing in my opinion. I was 60 last year and I told everyone in a "omgi can't believe i'm so old" kind of way. My colleagues made a right fuss of me, including pictures on twitter with a tiny cake with 60 candles which they couldn't light as they ke p t getting burnt. They are a lovely bunch and really made my day. I don't get the angst about aging but then i'm not an aging beauty.

LittlePaintBox · 26/02/2019 12:28

Over reaction by her, you weren't being a bitch, you were pointing out a special birthday.

I felt completely churned up on my 50th, lots of things hit me like career failures, empty nest etc. When my colleagues found out it was my 50th, someone nipped out to the shops and got me flowers and a cake. That actually cheered me up a lot - I wouldn't have dreamed of objecting!

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 26/02/2019 12:28

It sounds like she has a hang up about her milestone Birthday.
You weren't to know, so don't worry about it.

I'm hopeless at guessing anyone's age!
I assumed a colleague was in her 20's until she casually mentioned she was 46! Naturally she loved me for it.
Don't think I'd have been quite so popular if I'd thought she was 20 years older though! Thankfully I tend to assume people are younger than they are!

Drum2018 · 26/02/2019 12:33

Tell her she's old enough now to act her age and not be so bloody childish about it. She's 50 - it's the truth so you didn't lie. I wouldn't apologise again and if she carries on being cool with you just ignore her. I think it's pretty pathetic to pretend to be younger than you are. And I'd nip the office gifts in the bud too. Next time anyone asks for a contribution tell them you are still trying to get over miserable50's reaction

hazell42 · 26/02/2019 12:38

I wouldn't have liked it. I would not have said anything. But I wouldn't have liked it

thecatsthecats · 26/02/2019 12:38

My mum not only lies about her age, she lies about MY age in order to make herself seem younger. (She's not strong on logic - my brother is 14 years older than me, yet she's never lied about his!)

I don't discuss it with her, but I always find it pathetic, in the sense of sad. I don't agree with forcing anyone to reveal their age to bring them along, but I think women as a whole will only STOP being judged on their age when they stop pandering to the expectations.

StinkyCandle · 26/02/2019 12:48

let's be honest, all her colleagues know she is not 30! Fair enough to be sensitive, but it makes no difference if people know instead of guessing she is anything between 48 and 55

People are completely deluded when they believe they look 10 years younger, and others always subtract 10 years to what they think when they are asked to guess someone's age.

ChakiraChakra · 26/02/2019 12:51

Telling you she'll never forgive you is just so very off. It's one thing saying that you didn't want the office to know and are a bit upset but it's another entirely to hold lack of forgiveness over your head.

You did a nice thing. I'm sorry she took it badly instead of being grateful or at least courteous.

I'd stay courteous and polite with her in the future but get some distance.

icannotremember · 26/02/2019 12:52

She sounds quite childish, to be honest.

WhiteDust · 26/02/2019 12:56

You were kind and her response towards you was awful.
You did nothing wrong and she needs to get over herself.
(I am close to her age btw. Does she seriously think people haven't a clue how old she is? If so, she's deluded).

Original poster

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 13:04

The replies have made me feel a bit better about the whole thing. Admittedly it was insensitive and indiscrete of me (but well intentioned) but in future I will try to remember that just because things don't bother me, it doesn't mean they won't bother others.

It has taken nearly 50 years for me to come across someone who has such a huge problem with their age and is so unforgiving but you live and learn!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2019 13:08

I think she’s been a complete bitch. It was really nice of you to organise this.

MadameDD · 26/02/2019 13:09

I can see her POV if she wanted to keep her age quiet for whatever reason but it's not a big thing in the bigger scheme of things and I'm sure her colleagues won't treat her differently!

I'm 47 working in a big team of colleagues who vary from mid to late 20's to 30's and they've told me they think I'm 30 and I haven't corrected them yet, I don't think I need to! It's flattering they think I'm younger and that's with having a DD4.5!

HoHoHolyCow · 26/02/2019 13:15

I agree with sweetheart that it depends on how you knew she was turning 50.

If she's mentioned it to you - fine, she's massively over reacting!
If you knew some other way - access to her personnel file, for example, then I can understand why she might be upset.

Spudina · 26/02/2019 13:15

Her response was horrible. I work with cancer patients. It gives you a different perspective. It would have been wrong of me to sit around moaning about turning 40 last year, given the very real struggles my patients face to get to that age. She needs to get a grip.

Wishimaywishimight · 26/02/2019 13:18

You obviously meant no harm OP but you shared personal information about a colleague and had no right to do so - it was indiscrete on your part. Yes, she's sensitive about her age, so are many people, she has a right to feel how she feels. Someone said to me recently (about turning 50) that she felt that you're placed in a 'different box' so to speak when you are seen as a woman in your 50s rather than 40s and I understood what she meant.

I am not particularly sensitive about my age however I would not appreciate someone divulging this, or any personal information, about me to work colleagues. I don't think she is either a bitch or over-sensitive, she is entitled to feel upset with you but will hopefully get over it and realise you meant no harm.

AnguasDogCollar · 26/02/2019 13:22

Your age isn't some terribly personal and private piece of information. Unless you've had a heck of a lot of work done, it'll show in your face. She's acting as though you've revealed some horrific secret, or highly confidential medical information. It's bizarre.

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