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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I a complete bitch?

196 replies

Needsupporttoday · 26/02/2019 10:17

In our department (15 colleagues) there is always a collection for birthday presents. All but 3 of us are around 30, I and 2 others are 50 ish.
It was colleague A's birthday last week and I knew it was her 50th and mentioned it was a round birthday to another colleague who has worked there for much longer and knows colleague A better. I have been there since November.
We collected 50 pounds for a restaurant voucher but never actually made a big thing of it being colleague A's 50th birthday.
She is very upset with me for letting slip that she is 50 as she feels the younger colleagues now treat her differently.
I had no idea she was so sensitive about it and have no problems myself with my age but have learned that others do.
I feel awful for offending her but the other colleagues could have also mentioned that it was not wise to draw any attention to the fact that it was a 50th birthday.
I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Was I a complete bitch to let slip that it was her 50th or is it a bit of an over-reaction on her part?

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 26/02/2019 10:49

Someone has issues!
And I don't mean u op, it's not like u put up banners, u were trying to do a nice thing

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/02/2019 10:55

Unless she has discovered the secret to eternal youth and looks 15 years younger than her actual age, I very much doubt your other colleagues hadnt noticed she is around 50! It can hardly have been a shock to them. Maybe they are treating her differently as she is acting like a child? Some people are sensitive about their age so maybe you should have checked it wasn't something she wanted to jeep quiet but it was coming from a place of kindness so imo there is nothing to forgive

EdWinchester · 26/02/2019 10:55

I think you should've been more sensitive. Some people don't like to broadcast their age when they older. And yes, we should all be delighted to be not dead, blah blah. But real life is not that simplistic.

One of my team told me his 50th was coming up (he wanted to book time off). But he didn't tell anyone else and nor did I, even though several of my team have asked me how old he is.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/02/2019 10:56

She sounds a bit over sensitive. And while that's her right, it doesn't detract from the fact you were actually trying to do a nice thing. She cant forgive you?? Seriously?? I would ignore it as an issue and move on.

Bobaboutwhat · 26/02/2019 11:00

She can’t forgive you?! Oh.Dear.God

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2019 11:00

It would be different if you were 40 yourself and outing her for being 10 years older. But it was done in kindness in a well meaning way. I think she should get over herself. I bet everyone already knew how old she was already. People can nearly always tell, espeically if they see you everyday.

Rescue Remedy, you made me laugh.. but I felt sorry for your junior self it must have been awful. Mind you, if she had a 25 year old daughter and was claiming to be 40.. she was happy announcing she'd had her child at 15? I bet a lot of people were thrilled with those balloons.

Bluetrews25 · 26/02/2019 11:01

Wonder if she would be complaining if you hadn't done anything or acknowledged it as a special one?
I don't think you could win here, OP.

FriarTuck · 26/02/2019 11:02

I have apologised profusely but she says she can't forgive me but will get over it.
Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned it but you did & with good intentions. Plus you've apologised profusely. That should have been it. She's overreacting. Maybe you misunderstood and she was actually 5 not 50?!

45andahalf · 26/02/2019 11:05

I don't think you were a bitch at all, OP. But I didn't have any issues about everyone knowing I turned 40 last year, so, like you, I find it hard to understand why people get touchy about it. If I know they're sensitive, I'll be circumspect but it wouldn't naturally occur to me to be so.

Luckingfovely · 26/02/2019 11:07

No, you're fine and it's normal, she is over sensitive and overreacting. Surely if you knew her age everyone else did too?

That said - have some sympathy, she is obviously not coping well with turning 50.

UrsulaPandress · 26/02/2019 11:08

How did you know that she was 50 but others didn't?

downcasteyes · 26/02/2019 11:08

No, you sound lovely and very far from a bitch. You did what you did out of the best motives: you wanted her to have a good time.

The real problem is not with you, and possibly not with her either, but in the fact that she is saying your workplace is ageist. The essence of her objection to people knowing her age is that she feels treated differently because she is older. That might just be perception, or there might be something in it. Maybe it's time to raise this with a manager and get a training session on it to make sure that there is equality?

TurquoiseWeekend · 26/02/2019 11:09

Oh for goodness sake! People generally look around their age, maybe a few years younger or older, but it's usually quite clear just from looking at someone, approximately how old they are! She's being precious and you seem like a lovely team, doing a collection for big birthdays.

lmusic87 · 26/02/2019 11:14

I have a colleague just like this, totally understand.

She'll get over it.

Embarrassingstoryteller · 26/02/2019 11:19

I think you're both BU (a bit), especially if 50 was written somewhere in the card.

It sounds like it's a young company culture if there are so few over 50s there. If she's young looking, a lot of the other employees may have assumed she was a lot younger, and now she's been exposed. Maybe she now feels that her job could be threatened somewhere down the line.

However, her making a big fuss is making it ten times worse - I would have ranted to my DH at home but brushed it off as nothing at work.

sweetheart · 26/02/2019 11:20

Did you have access to her personal data that allowed you to realise she was 50? If that is the case and you shared that information with other staff members then I do actually think this is pretty bad.

If you just happened to know she was 50 and it was common knowledge in the workplace then she is being very odd.

cstaff · 26/02/2019 11:29

A couple of years ago it was my 50th and only one or two people knew and I made a point of saying to those people that I didn't want a big deal made of it but they went ahead and did it anyway because that is what they do. I took in the way it was meant to be taken - as a nice gesture and as a bit of fun. I would also be one of the older people in here but so what.

winsinbin · 26/02/2019 11:37

She sounds deluded. Your younger colleagues were fully aware she was older than them. They haven’t suddenly gone from seeing her as a contemporary to seeing her as a grandmother figure.

I turned 40 when working with a lot of people in their mid to late 20s. The fuss they made of me for still having all my faculties was simultaneously shocking, funny and sweet. They will all be around age 40 now and I bet their attitudes have changed, just like most normal peoples do m

haverhill · 26/02/2019 11:39

Good Lord, I'm 48 and couldn't give a monkey's who knows it.
Your colleague sounds a bit ridiculous. She "can't forgive you"?"! I have very little sympathy for such nonsense.

dontgobaconmyheart · 26/02/2019 11:43

How ridiculous Confused. I'd have apologised that I had inadvertently caused her upset but it's very over the top. Hilarious irony that she is 50 but acting 15 Hmm. 50 is hardly ancient is it, and I can't imagine anyone cares. She can hardly believe people think she is 30 either.

I think it's entirely her own issue OP, it's not your fault that she has such a visceral objection to her age, you've said sorry and I would now just stop apologising and saying i felt bad or you run the risk of perpetuating the impression that she's right to be this upset, and feeding into the whole performance.

If she's still making a fuss in a weeks time I'd turn it back on her and point out she's ostracising me in the office by making me seem awful over a very honest/reasonable mistake. It's a milestone bday, people absolutely refer to them in the way you have - "oh it's so and so's 50th/60th' etc.

Alsohuman · 26/02/2019 11:45

It’s not about other people knowing or not knowing my age, it’s obvious i’m around the age I am but I don’t want my nose rubbed in it. And the amount of ageism you see on MN, let alone elsewhere, is a pretty good reason for not broadcasting it.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/02/2019 11:45

I don't think you did this with malicious intent, but yes you were thoughtless in passing on personal information to a fellow colleague. You could have asked your colleagues if anyone knew whether it was a milestone birthday or not and when they said no, taken that as your signpost as to the wisdom of sharing what you knew.

Lostwithoutdirections · 26/02/2019 11:46

I don’t think you were being bitchy at all. It sounds like you were well intentioned.

With hindsight though, you don’t know her well and age is a sensitive topic.

I’m 40 next birthday and I don’t want anyone to acknowledge it. I’d be really upset if it is referenced at all. I just don’t want to be 40, so prefer ignorance and self-delusion 😊

MatildaTheCat · 26/02/2019 11:46

Well if you knew she was going to be 50 then presumably she told you? She’s being rude and silly but it’s true that these landmark birthdays can really affect some people.

I found 40 was a big negative for friends who hadn’t achieved what they wanted by then.

If she’s menopausal that can add another layer of bonkers and I say that as a menopausal woman.

Shelbybear · 26/02/2019 11:47

Seriously 😳 it's her problem not yours. I'd be rather pissed off that she thinks it's ok to be annoyed at u. U have apologised she should take your apology. Your colleagues may not have known she was "sensitive" about her age.