To seethe at articles like this - 'I didn't know who my friends were until I was a mother'

[Likethewind321]

This one specifically:

www.mother.ly/love/motherhood-helped-me-understand-what-real-friendship-is?fbclid=IwAR1DgYhJay05k6JEZ7s4i6blGZ3wwycCsbJhZFWB8rMf3KSq8aXR_ROXSYI

I wonder what happens to all those 'silly frivolous friends who only cared about going out and having fun' Those friends who were shallow, who never really 'got it' ?

I'll tell you! One of two things. 95% of them will all have kids too, just maybe a few months or years later. And when they do, they will then also transform into wonderful human beings who 'get it'. They may not hang out with their old friends but they will become the newfound besties of whichever mums they meet in clinic or playgroup.

And the other 5%? They won't have children, and will silently watch as their friends all turn away and step into the social world of toddler groups, playdates, birthday parties, mummy chat groups, mummy coffee dates and mummy nights out. Watch as they make new friends, friends who 'get it'. This 5% will be dismissed as having never been a 'real friend' in the first place.

And can they complain about it? No. Because if they do they will be thought of as bitter or envious. A bit lonely and sad. They will probably be pitied.

Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.

YANBU.

Couldn't agree more!

YANBU!!

OMG OP your last paragraph summed it up beautifully. Even though I'm lucky that I have ace friends who are all mums, there are still some on the periphery that look at me with pity due to my childless state.

Once you have a child you can't really just pretend they don't exist to please your friends who don't have children though. So yes you do go to softplay and playgroup for a while. It doesn't last forever, good friendships involve patience and understanding on both sides.

It's just a load of stereotypes though - 'newfound besties'? I didn't refer to friends that I was close to pre children as 'besties' and never will! Motherhood isn't really worshipped anymore, you only have to read thread on here about not expecting husband's to do anything and for the mum to go back to work full time when the baby is 2 weeks old to realise that!

Brilliant

You are dnbu

When I was young I had such shallow friendships and then I got pregnant and I matured into an awesome human and I only had time for friendships with other awesome humans so now we sit around being awesome together!!!!!

The thing she misses is that big events do tend to shine a torch on friendships but it was be the loss of a parent, a marriage breakdown, a diagnosis or infertility or cancer, pregnancy or an ill child. Any number of things push us emotionally to the brink and our true friends are there with us. It isn't just motherhood that gives that clarity.

She still sounds as shallow, after having children, as she was before. Don’t worry OP, most parents aren’t that shallow and as she gets older and looks back on what she wrote, she’ll probably be cringing at what a twat she was.

OP motherhood is not worshipped, if anything women fall a few notches in the scale of importance once they have kids. They (to the world, this is not my opinion) become unattractive, unemployable and you no longer have your own identity, they are Abbie's mum etc. More women suffer abuse and financial hardship, and find themselves doing more around the house with less time. The expectations to be a perfect mother are insanely high and the moment you make a mistake you're jumped on. Men don't have any of this - they pretty much just have to talk to their children and they're hailed as great fathers.

100% true OP. I'm one of the 5% and am very lucky that most of my friends who are in the 95% are still wonderful friends... but you definitely feel like the outsider looking in when you're in the 5%

@keepforgettingmyusername where does it say that mothers should forget they have children for the sake of supporting childless friends? You're talking shite.

'A modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood'? What a pile of pretentious wank.

Some people get pregnant and become entitled self centred dicks. Maybe the ones that do were always like that and having kids just gave them the excuse to let it out. YANBU

Motherhood isn't really worshipped anymore

Unfortunately it is where I live and on my experience. Probably why my tolerance levels for this kind of bullshit (in the article not here) is very very low.

keepforgettingmyusername you know kids are allowed to places other than soft play right? If I was meeting a ffriend who had no kids, a tiny newborn or older kids I simply wouldn't suggest soft play for a meet up.

Motherhood isn't really worshipped anymore

Yes it is. Women who are late 30s or beyond don't count as much in society as mothers. Just look at taking annual leave at christmas, mothers get it, childless women don't, not even if it means they can't travel to see their family. Having children is seen as more important than other family relationships.

As we move through life friends come and go. That someone drifts away after you have kids doesn't mean they weren't a friend at all.

@elasticfantastic I didn't say that I thought mothers should forget their children did I?

I said that it isn't fair to drop old friends just because they don't have kids.

And also that mums are not the social outcasts this article portrays them to be. Mums are very much in the majority.

Some women seem to think they are missing out on a wild social scene just because that's what life was like before they had a baby.

Their childless mates also now miss out on a wild social scene, they just don't have a baby either.

YANBU at all. When I had DS I maintained friendships with all the (still) childfree pals who had been close to me before having DS. I couldn't get on with most of the mothers I met at toddler groups. Not that I'm better or more special or anything, I just had fuck all in common with most of them ie was about 20 years older, single parent, unusual interests etc. If all you base your friendships on is proximity and similar lifestyles, well, you're a pretty boring person anyway.

I didn't have a child in my early twenties and also did not have a wild social scene. Obviously I am just a failure at life then.

The author sounds unbearable. But what she has missed is that there are friends you do things with, and then real friends. Nothing to do with motherhood.

sorry @elastcfantastic I meant that in reply to @keepforgettingmyusername

@likethewind

“Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.”

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

Likethewind.....for president

My best 'single childless friends' came to see me just once after giving birth to DD1, same for my sister. I had no Mother or MiL or any SIL nearby. They all said they'd be round lots with lots of food in tupperware and couldn't wait to meet the baby. No food in Tupperware arrived. They came once.

Very little interest, zero support and despite me saying "I'm still me' It was clear I had betrayed them by managing to have a baby aged 40.

I was on my own, the only other people with babies I knew were my NCT group and I thank the world for them as otherwise, I would have gone stir crazy.

The only time they (my best friends of 20+ years) would see me after that was 'meeting for lunch'. Well I didn't have money for 'meeting for lunch' like I used to.

I once - for a very special occasion- asked my sister to babysit - she said ' I don't do babies'.

Best quote ' Well done OrigamiZoo for not banging on about it'

'What? I say
'Not banging on about motherhood'. This was two weeks after I had miscarried, which I had just told them that evening.

So yes, in some circumstances, you do know who your family and friends are.

YANBU

AGREE totally with lived experience

I have a friend who would say that

She neglects to mention that she was a shitty friend prior to her pregnancy and an even shittier one since

Origami They were not good friends. Anyone who has experienced things like illness, disability, or other life changing events cna recount similar tales. It is not to do with motherhood in particular.
Most of us have very few true good friends during our lifetime. Most of us have people we do things with, who disappear when we can no longer do those things.
I have gone through a life changing event in the last year and some friends who would say they would support/help out friends have never been seen. That is unfortunately what some people are like.