To seethe at articles like this - 'I didn't know who my friends were until I was a mother'

[Likethewind321]

This one specifically:

www.mother.ly/love/motherhood-helped-me-understand-what-real-friendship-is?fbclid=IwAR1DgYhJay05k6JEZ7s4i6blGZ3wwycCsbJhZFWB8rMf3KSq8aXR_ROXSYI

I wonder what happens to all those 'silly frivolous friends who only cared about going out and having fun' Those friends who were shallow, who never really 'got it' ?

I'll tell you! One of two things. 95% of them will all have kids too, just maybe a few months or years later. And when they do, they will then also transform into wonderful human beings who 'get it'. They may not hang out with their old friends but they will become the newfound besties of whichever mums they meet in clinic or playgroup.

And the other 5%? They won't have children, and will silently watch as their friends all turn away and step into the social world of toddler groups, playdates, birthday parties, mummy chat groups, mummy coffee dates and mummy nights out. Watch as they make new friends, friends who 'get it'. This 5% will be dismissed as having never been a 'real friend' in the first place.

And can they complain about it? No. Because if they do they will be thought of as bitter or envious. A bit lonely and sad. They will probably be pitied.

Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.

Look at your wording baby.
You are writing as if you speak for all mothers.

Bit sad if you felt your life had no meaning before, though.

@clairemcnam I don't think it's that different. Anyway all clarified now.

Different things give life meaning to different people. For some people it is their kids. It gives them a reason to get up and make the most of their life for the sake of their baby. But it is not the only thing that gives people's lives meaning.
So I am sure Mother Theresa thought her life had meaning even though she never had a kid.

BabyDarling I think it is very different. One implies that only having children can give life meaning - finding the meaning of life.

@SerenDippity such a bitchy comment. It's not sad actually. I had a fantastic life before having my daughter and it's even better now. Things that seemed important to me before just aren't any more and my life has new meaning since having a baby.

@PurpleDaisies except I did clearly say I was only speaking for myself!

@clairemcnam OK we disagree on that. I hope is clear now what I meant.

@BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney I don't think the issue is people framing it like that ("For me...").

The issue is those who say "For me my children gave my life meaning, therefore your life can't have meaning because you don't have children".

Which is pretty insulting to those without kids!

People don’t say “for me...”

Look at the earlier posts. It doesn’t have to be as blatant as "For me my children gave my life meaning, therefore your life can't have meaning because you don't have children"

Posts like this make it perfectly clear that they think life has no meaning for those without children.

Maybe it can be hurtful when you don't have children to hear mothers talking about finally knowing the meaning of life and love after having a baby. But... That is genuinely how you feel when you have a baby. The axis of the world changes and the word "love" takes on a whole new meaning. It just doesn't compare to any feelings you had before becoming a mother.

@EnterFunnyNameHere
therefore your life can't have meaning because you don't have children,
Of course that's insulting, she didn't say that though.

@EnterFunnyNameHere I agree. Conversely it's also very insulting when people insinuate that your life is "sad" or inadequate in some way because it has been given meaning by becoming a mother! Both parties can feel injured if it's phrased in way which implies the other's life is less valuable. When I said how I feel I was only saying we to include other mothers who feel like me (I know there are many), not all mothers of course.

I think we all know she meant that her life has become better since having her child an that she loves them very much. I think we're nit picking here. Each to their own. I don't find either view stances offensive. I had a friend visit when mine was only a few days old (I was very much in the love bubble with precious brand new baby) and she looked me in the face whilst holding her and said I don't want them. I laughed as it's in her character and also we have that friendship we just say it as it is. Her feelings on not wanting them haven't changed and she's no less of a friend than I am for wanting more.

@PurpleDaisies I'm jo making any judgement about what gives other people's lives meaning. I'm saying how I (and some other mothers) feel. You are making an inference from that about the lives of other women, not me.

*not

To be clear, I have never said anything about not knowing love/meaning etc until my DS and I don't actually agree it's true. But I do think people are piling on @Baby somewhat.

That is genuinely how you feel when you have a baby. The axis of the world changes and the word "love" takes on a whole new meaning. It just doesn't compare to any feelings you had before becoming a mother

Just look at how many times you said you in that post and then you will understand why people get frustrated. You don't speak for anyone but yourself.

I speak for myself and other mothers that I have spoken to and I know feel as I do. As I already said.

Well if it doesn't apply to you or how you feel then why are you bothered???? I'm a mother and I never took offence to it. I can relate to it. I can relate to life before a baby too. It's quite clear she is talking about how she feels. I don't think she's speaking for anyone.

On a slightly different note, I wonder how many articles there are about 'I Didn't Know True Friendship Until I Became A Dad', or '10 Reasons It's Great To Be Childfree' in a men's magazine 🤔

Sometimes the world seems geared towards women tearing each other down .

Well then that's what you should say. The tone of your post suggests you speak for all mothers which isn't true is it. You aren't one collective body.

It's post like that that get people's backs up and makes people feel as though they are just being talked at / patronised for even daring to believe they could possibly understand what love is.

Samind because it's extremely patronising.

Especially to people who may never get the opportunity to become mother's themselves for whatever reason, to be told you will never understand love or have meaning is pretty shitty.

And no it isn't clear she's referring to herself from the post I copied. In fact it's worded very much as though she's speaking for all mothers as a whole.

^ EXACTLY. It should be about womanhood and how we get over this nonsense!! motherhood is amazing but from my life right now so is being a daughter, partner aunt, friend and sister. plus colleague when I go back to work.

I agree. I think there is pressure from both sides. Pressure to "conform" by having a baby (life changing event for me(!) then also some expectation that after children you carry on as before (get your figure back / straight back to career / continue having nights out with child free friends etc).

Well said

I don't think she should have to hide how she feels about motherhood. She is going from her own experiences and people she speaks to about motherhood. Why can't we accept we all have different friends for different advice and some people just drift apart in the meantime. As someone previously said friends are subject to timing in your life and context.