To seethe at articles like this - 'I didn't know who my friends were until I was a mother'

[Likethewind321]

This one specifically:

www.mother.ly/love/motherhood-helped-me-understand-what-real-friendship-is?fbclid=IwAR1DgYhJay05k6JEZ7s4i6blGZ3wwycCsbJhZFWB8rMf3KSq8aXR_ROXSYI

I wonder what happens to all those 'silly frivolous friends who only cared about going out and having fun' Those friends who were shallow, who never really 'got it' ?

I'll tell you! One of two things. 95% of them will all have kids too, just maybe a few months or years later. And when they do, they will then also transform into wonderful human beings who 'get it'. They may not hang out with their old friends but they will become the newfound besties of whichever mums they meet in clinic or playgroup.

And the other 5%? They won't have children, and will silently watch as their friends all turn away and step into the social world of toddler groups, playdates, birthday parties, mummy chat groups, mummy coffee dates and mummy nights out. Watch as they make new friends, friends who 'get it'. This 5% will be dismissed as having never been a 'real friend' in the first place.

And can they complain about it? No. Because if they do they will be thought of as bitter or envious. A bit lonely and sad. They will probably be pitied.

Well guess what. I think it's being childless in a world where motherhood is worshiped, to find out who your friends REALLY are.

Mums relate better to other mums and childless people with other childless ones

No, I don’t relate well to mothers who think that sort of thing and would be completely uninterested in being their friend even though we would both be mothers. I would consider them narrow minded, blinkered, dull, uninteresting and not a well rounded personality. I would much rather be friends with a childless person with a range of interests and a rounded personality, someone who judged others on more than just the possession of a functioning set of reproductive organs.

People who say things like that are just confessing to being very shallow people who make shallow judgements on others.

I for the most part could not be close friends with anyone with kids, I don't understand their world and never will(don't want kids myself) and they wouldn't understand mine

This is another admittance of shallowness. If you can’t empathise with other people who have different lifestyles, that’s just really shallow.

@Eastie77 Millions of adults in this country survived a childhood peppered with a healthy dose of inattentive parenting and lived to tell the tale.

Yes, millions survived... And a few didn't. There is no "healthy dose" of inattentive parenting for a baby.

Dimsumlosesome
BejamNostalgia

It's more about the people I've known who go on about their kids as if there's nothing else to talk about. I've always known parents like that. It's not me being shallow it's them being shallow.
I can fully empathise with other people's lifestyles but those sorts of people can't empathise with anyone else's.
Especially all the judgemental comments about why don't I want kids.
I've heard them all.

Most of my close friends don’t have kids. It does not affect the friendships negatively. I usually meet up with them when my kids aren’t around and I enjoy the ‘me’ time. I sometimes talk about my kids but not often. We talk about the things we’ve always talked about. They were a great support to me when I separated from my ExH. I value their friendships. I have always found it difficult to make friends with other mums at playgroups and school.

*My friend loves gossip. We will chat and put the world to rights, gossip about people we know (usually people we don’t like), rant about people who have pissed us off that week, talk about our partners and what they’ve done to piss us off that week , talk about new foods we’ve tried, tv shows we watch and just what’s happening in both of our lives in general.

In fact the reason we both get on so well is because the pair of us can never stop talking We’ve had the piss taken out of us for years for being chatterboxes! We go off on that many tangents when we talk, it’s a miracle we ever remember what the hell we were talking about in the first place . We’ve been like this for 10 years. Her having a baby hasn’t changed the themes of our conversations at all. We still chat shite*

This was me and my best mate. But now she does that with her mum friends and not me

Hold on to that. I'm very jealous you still have that relationship and wish I did too.

Sigh.

@OliviaBenson. I’m so sorry it worked out that way for you I did lose another best mate after she had a child (and because she was a bitch to me over her wedding) so I do appreciate how much it sucks to lose a friend.

I admit I do feel lucky that I have such a great friendship with this friend. I think it works well for us because we both value the friendship so much and we’d be lost without each other. Just having someone who gets you and understands you as a person as a friend, to me is invaluable and my friend feels the exact same way. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we need our catch ups to keep each other sane! She doesn’t want to only talk to other mommies about baby stuff all the time. She wants to be able to relax a bit and have a night here and there having a bitching sesssion with her best mate, whether that’s in a local restaurant or at home on the couch with her feet up and slippers on

I thought my other friendships were strong but apparently me being childless meant I was some kind of moron that got spoken down to and patronised repeatedly. So they showed their true colours.

Reading some of these posts I feel blessed to still have an amazing friend in my life that still values our friendship and still needs and wants me in her life after having a child.

Ugh, her sickly post on motherhood is dreadful.
I remember endless family gatherings where I felt like a second class citizen because I didn't have kids. Same at Christmas and birthdays where I would buy presents for everyone and then be expected to join in with a jolly family occasion when I'd rather have sloped off on my own.
I (finally) had my first child aged 41years and adopted another at 46years.
Whilst I have nothing much in common with the mums around here (mostly 15years younger than me) I am hugely grateful for my old friends. They are the ones with life experience and real conversation instead of generic chat about childcare and nappies. They are the ones who make me feel like me.
I bet your old friends will value you in the same way.