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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I should be allowed to sleep!!

217 replies

Whycantistaymotivated · 24/02/2019 00:02

In short. I snore, I can sometimes wake myself up. DP can't sleep if I'm asleep first. I can fall asleep very quickly, I've had broke sleep since DD was born and suffered from pregnancy insomnia so it's safe to say I can fall asleep easy as I am that f@#king tired.

I am now as usual waiting for DP to fall asleep. He normally comes to bed between 12-1am I try to get to bed by 10:30 so I can get a couple of hours before he wakes me up so he can come to bed. Tonight he has come to bed early coz he has a headache so I've not actually had any sleep yet.

TV is on to keep me up until he falls asleep

This is our main arguing topic. We've been together 6 years. If we argue it's about my snoring.

Sorry for the midnight rant but AIBU to just want to sleep!

OP posts:
nannytothequeen · 24/02/2019 10:22

@Ghanagirl not really. And not anymore. Sometimes snorers can't help it and have tried everything.

SparklySneakers · 24/02/2019 10:25

OP. Get a snoring app on your phone to measure how bad it is then take this evidence to your gp. My ex was an "epic" snorer no matter what position he was in. It was unbearable and was a dealbreaker in the end.

NotTheFordType · 24/02/2019 10:44

YABU. I spent TWO YEARS trying to persuade my ex to go to the fucking GPs. I told him "you have sleep apnoea, I've seen it before, you tick all the high risk factors".

When he finally gave in (which was after I told him I was leaving if he didn't sort it) he was assessed by the sleep clinic and told he needed a CPAP mask and if he didn't use it, he was increasing his chance of a stroke or heart attack by something like 500%. Family history of stroke, so he shit himself.

Finally, I could actually sleep in the same bed as him without wanting to murder him.

6 months later he left me for OW, stopped wearing his mask as he didn't want to look "like an invalid" in front of her. 6 weeks after that he had a heart attack.

It's no joke OP, go and get checked out. Ask for a referral.

Hannahmates · 24/02/2019 10:45

You need to try sleeping separately from your DH. Do you have a spare bedroom? Sleeping with a snorer is awful to be really honest. You need to take initiative and do something about your snoring. Your snoring is also affecting his sleep. If the doctor says to lose weight then you need to try to lose weight. Losing weight is proven to be effective in alleviating sleep apnea symptoms.

DointItForTheKids · 24/02/2019 10:52

Except in this case nannytothequeen.

I think on the whole 99% of people who snore don't give a shiny shit about the other person - it's easy not to I guess, when you're the one sleeping through the night, oblivious to the other person lying beside them in utter misery.

hoppityfrog3 · 24/02/2019 10:56

I must admit, it never ceases to amaze me how so many people still sleep in the same bed as their partner. It seems very outdated, and if there is another choice (spare bedroom/sofa bed,) why on earth put yourself through the discomfort/torture of sleeping with your partner? Many years ago, people who were very poor/living in squalor used to do it to keep warm, and because of lack of space. It doesn't seem necessary now for most people. If you don't have a spare bedroom, a sofa bed doesn't cost much. Why put yourself through it?

It's pretty uncomfortable at the best of times, even if they don't snore. Quilt hogging, dog breath in your face in the middle of the night, kicking and nudging and hogging the bed, coughing, throat clearing, sneezing, grunting, and of course, the most horrendous thing of all the sleeping 'habits...' snoring.

FFS go and sleep in another room. Unless you are in a bedsit, there HAS to be somewhere to go. When me and DH met, he didn't snore, but within 8-10 years of moving in together, he started to snore (maybe by his mid 30's...)

We didn't have a spare room, we got a sofabed, and took it in turns to sleep on it. Several years later, we moved into a bigger house, so we all had a bedroom each. I am aware that's not a possibility for everyone, but tbh, quite often, a 3 bed house will not cost much more than a 2, and a 4 bed will not cost much more than a 3.

I just cannot fathom why, in 2019, couples feel the need to sleep in the same bed, or even the same bedroom. It seems very outdated. As I said, there is very little positive about sharing a 6 ft, x 4 ft space with another fully grown adult. It doesn't mean you don't shag if you don't share a bed FGS. It's one of last taboos, and it needs to stop.

I have not shared a bed (or bedroom) with DH for 10 years now, and would never share again. Even when we go on holiday, I book an extra bedroom. It makes the holiday cost about a fifth more, (so £900 instead of £750 for example,) but it's worth every extra penny. I had a few long-weekend trips with DH (sharing the same room,) circa 2008/9, and they were ruined by his snoring. So when we came to book a week away in Italy (coach trip,) in 2011, I told the travel agent we wanted to book it with separate bedrooms. I think it raised it from £700 in total, to £865. Well worth it to be able to sleep. Why should my holiday abroad be ruined for the sake of less than a couple of hundred quid?

I know some women in the older generation (older relatives and neighbours, say 70+,) who have always shared a bed with their husband, and they have complained for YEARS about his awful snoring. Yet, despite having at least one spare room (many of them have 2 or 3 spare rooms,) they refuse to go into another bedroom. 'What will people say?' and 'what will the neighbours think?' and 'Only people with problems in their marriage have separate rooms, it's not right , it's not normal yada yada.'

Fuck that. Getting no sleep is 'not normal.' And unfortunately, many chronic snorers do fuck-all about it, as it's not them being affected.

Like many posters on here, I felt murderous, and wanted to smother my husband with a pillow when his snoring was keeping me awake night after night. I was constantly exhausted, and fatigued, and I had to go to work, and was making myself ill.

Hell will freeze over before I share a bedroom with him again, after 10 years of having my own bedroom. As i said, it's a silly old tradition/custom that should have died out years ago. There really is no need to share a bed with your spouse. In fact, I can't fathom why anyone would want to. I can't think of one single positive thing about it.
@whycantistaymotivated

You are being very selfish. Sort yourself out, and stop being so negative about losing weight. If you wanted to, you could. As I said, people who DO snore, don't give a crap about it, because it's not THEIR sleep being affected.

PCohle · 24/02/2019 10:57

Has he recorded you snoring OP so you can hear it? My DH was quite dismissive of my complaints about his snoring (I think he thought I was making a big deal about nothing). Once he'd heard how bloody loud it was he was much more reasonable about it.

Birdsgottafly · 24/02/2019 11:02

Losing weight and having my tonsils out, made my snoring practically disappear.

Your looking at it that he's waking you up, but you are waking him up, first.

You're sleep deprived because of your DD, he's sleep deprived because of you.

As a temporary measure, you need to rethink the sleeping arrangements.

The Television in the bedroom needs to go, that will impact on sleep quality.

If your weight is causing outward issues, like snoring, think what damage it is doing inwardly.

Jinglejanglefish · 24/02/2019 11:05

hoppityfrog3

What a weird rant. I like sleeping with dp.

colourrunruinedmyhair · 24/02/2019 11:06

You’re both being unreasonable, my ex used to snore so much, it was utter torture. I knew I had to get to bed before him and if I didn’t and he started snoring I was in for a sleepless night.

This usually meant I had to go to bed before I was tired to try and get to sleep so that I could get a decent sleep.
There were so many mornings I woke with a migraine from sleeping in awkward positions to try and drown out the noise or I just gave up and slept on the sofa and even then I could still hear him.
I tried to compromise by wearing headphones to listen to music or earplug which I hated because they made my ears feel like they were blocked and I couldn’t stand the sensation.

Your ex needs to compromise and if you’re tired and go to bed first he needs to sleep on the sofa or in the spare room if you have one or out up with the noise and not wake you.
You need to try and find a way to ease the snoring, whether that’s losing weight or trying to sleep in another position. My ex rarely snored sleeping on his stomach.

hoppityfrog3 · 24/02/2019 11:19

@Jinglejanglefish

What a weird rant. I like sleeping with dp.

Good for you. 👍👍👍 He obviously doesn't SNORE then?! Hmm

Many people don't enjoy sleeping with their partner. Have you actually read the thread?! Confused

You think my post was a 'weird rant' ? That is your prerogative darling. I think wanting to sleep in a tiny 4 ft x 6 foot space - with another fully grown adult - is weird. Knock yourself out though, if you enjoy it! Many people do not. Fact.

As I said, it's very outdated now. Most couples I know (under 50 anyway,) have separate bedrooms.

DointItForTheKids · 24/02/2019 11:19

I agree with you colourrun - subject to OP getting her snoring sorted, there needs to be a massive will to work together to resolve the matter, from both sides. I think your suggested solution re the bedtimes of the husband for which he makes an adjustment is entirely fair seeing as OP is getting up repeatedly in the night.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/02/2019 11:20

Frankly I think waking a person because you don’t like their snoring is abuse

Frankly, that's ridiculous and an insult to victims of actual domestic abuse. Just because you don't like something that doesn't make it abusive FFS Hmm

OP, the GP wasn't at all unreasonable to suggest you lose some weight in order to tackle your snoring and for your general health. No, it's not "easy" but that doesn't mean it's impossible or that it's not good advice. If my DH was keeping me awake all night snoring but refused to even attempt to follow advice given by his GP i'd be furious.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 24/02/2019 11:24

As I said, it's very outdated now. Most couples I know (under 50 anyway,) have separate bedrooms

Really? DH and I are in our thirties, as our most of our friends, and none of them have seperate bedrooms. If you don't like sleeping with your partner then that's fine but I don't know where you get this notion that couples sharing a bed is somehow "outdated" Confused

WombOfHerOwn · 24/02/2019 11:24

Quies earplugs (the foam ones) have saved my sanity. They have the highest noise reduction I could find and I truly can’t hear my (incredibly loud) constant snoring husband with them in. It took a little while to get used to them but they have worked fantastically.

I also agree that you need to work on addressing the cause(s) of the snoring. Losing weight will certainly help but may not be the only issue. My husband has snored since his teens and certainly wasn’t overweight at the time. I suspect anatomical reasons and will be asking him to get further tests done.

hoppityfrog3 · 24/02/2019 11:28

Really? DH and I are in our thirties, as our most of our friends, and none of them have seperate bedrooms. If you don't like sleeping with your partner then that's fine but I don't know where you get this notion that couples sharing a bed is somehow "outdated" Confused

It is in my world/my social circle. Clearly we move in different social circles.

And as I said, why the heck would you continue to do it when your partner snores?

batshit.

PCohle · 24/02/2019 11:31

Regularly sleeping a separate room from your partner isn't the norm in my social circle it has to be said.

I assume a great many people have to continue sharing a room with a snorer because of space constraints anyway. Not everyone has the luxury of a spare room, that's hardly "batshit".

CookPassBabtridge · 24/02/2019 11:49

Sorry but sleeping next to a snorer is absolute hell, and earplugs only dull it. I don't blame him at all. You need to sort it.

hoppityfrog3 · 24/02/2019 12:03

I am simply saying if you have a CHOICE - ie you have another bedroom - it's batshit to continue to share if your partner snores. Most people would be in the position to get a sofabed. Why put yourself through it?

And yeah, it IS normal in my social circle for couples to have their own bedroom. If others are different, well then so be it. Doesn't change the fact that all my friends and family members (except the older generation) have separate bedrooms. MUCH better, MUCH happier marriages, and MUCH better sleep.

You gotta be nuts to continue to share a bed/bedroom with a partner who snores if there is an alternative. (And most of the time there is, there really is.......)

People need to get this ludicrous idea out of their head that they absolutely MUST share a bed with their partner. Stop being a martyr, get this silly idea out of your head that the marriage/relationship is in trouble if you don't share a bed, and start to enjoy going to bed ALONE in your own peaceful boudoir. It really is absolute fucking bliss. Once you have your own bedroom, you will NEVER go back.

Jinglejanglefish · 24/02/2019 12:25

hoppityfrog3

No he doesn’t snore. I am 28 and I don’t know any couples who have seperate bedrooms. Obviously if you’re unhappy then have seperate bedrooms, but I wouldn’t say that’s the majority of people.

goodwinter · 24/02/2019 13:02

As I said, it's very outdated now. Most couples I know (under 50 anyway,) have separate bedrooms.

If one partner has awful sleep habits, then yes, it might help to have separate bedrooms. But the idea that sleeping in the same bed is "outdated" is bonkers.

PCohle · 24/02/2019 13:11

I agree. I think people are defensive about it and therefore keen to make it seem more common than it is.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/02/2019 13:37

"As I said, it's very outdated now. Most couples I know (under 50 anyway,) have separate bedrooms"

Really? Most young people I know can't afford the luxury of a spare bedroom, and share a bedroom.

SparklySneakers · 24/02/2019 13:46

I suspect OP wasn't expecting the majority of responses to say she needs to sort it out, and therefore won't be back.

Quintella · 24/02/2019 13:57

I just don't believe that all couples in someone's social circle sleep in separate bedrooms. Unless perhaps they're living in an Edith Wharton novel?

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