Friend called my child's behaviour psychotic

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

I bumped into a friend and her 3 year old with my DC in the park this afternoon. We met when our DC became friends at nursery and used to meet up every 2-3 weeks but after she changed her work hours it gradually tailed off. She is pretty rigid with her DC and ensures they adhere to every single rule. I'm more relaxed but definitely don't let them run riot. For example - if no one else was in the park, I wouldn't have a problem with my DC climbing up the slide, if they see puddles I don't mind if they splash in them, if they want to climb trees, collect rocks, stroke dogs - that's fine. My friend always looked shocked and told her DC a firm no to joining in.

My three year old DD is very unpredictable and I have been concerned about her behaviour for a while. Her older sister has HFA and I wonder if she too is on the spectrum, or if she could have ADHD. The incidents that prompted my friend to call her behaviour 'psychotic' were:

DD climbed to the top of a spider web type net and called me to wave. I waved and then 10 seconds later she called me again, I turned round and she leapt off the top of it at me It was high and luckily I wasn't holding the baby and managed to catch her. She has form for doing this - leaping from the top of the stairs at me without warning, jumping off the sofa onto my back when I'm changing baby on the floor. She seems to have no comprehension of what she's done wrong afterwards.

After the park we were all walking to the car park together. We were waiting for a green man to cross the road and I was adjusting my dogs lead as she was tangled and I heard the click of the pushchair break. DD had taken it off and if I hadn't been blocking the wheel with my foot then baby would have rolled into the road. Again, DD appears vacant when told off.

My friend messaged me this evening to say something needs to be done about DD, that her behaviour is psychotic and she doesn't feel safe having her DD around her. She knows I have approached the GP before but without nursery reporting issues they won't refer her.

AIBU to feel totally at a loss as to what to do with DD? I have a feeling this isn't the first friend I've lost over her behaviour. Consequences make no difference to her whatsoever. She hurts me or at least one of her siblings daily without fail due to not thinking through her actions. She's almost 4 now and her speech is pretty much incomprehensible to everyone except me and her siblings but she doesn't care. If we do gluing or painting at home, she'll just cover herself in it or pour it all over the paper. We can't have play doh because she eats it. I can't leave her alone for a minute because she's always so impulsive - I've caught her mid air about to jump on the dog from the kitchen table, stopped her pinning the baby down numerous times. She just looks vacant when being reprimanded and carries on the way she is.

With the water in the bath incident, I didn't plant the idea - she was sniggering as she was filling the pot and her sister was asking her not to pour it on her (as she's done it before.) Yes, I could have physically stopped her but then when will she ever learn to listen? I figure that she needs to learn that her actions have consequences in minor scenarios like this and that I should save physical intervention for when it's really needed - like removing her from the pushchair brake.

She eats crumpets and blueberries for breakfast usually. It's really not her diet that is causing the behaviour.

It took a looong time for our ASD kids to understand consequences. Letting smaller things happen in the hope they’d learn a bigger lesson just didn’t happen until about age 7/8. Dad’s favourite phrase ‘they’ll not do it twice’ always made me laugh - yes they will, if it doesn’t kill them then they’ll do it twice, thrice etc and not learn.

Nursery never thought DD had any issues. It was the HV who referred her for ASD assessment. We never went near the GP.

Duh, that’s incorrect, sorry. The HV referred to SaLT. SaLT then referred for ASD assessments.

Your friend’s comments were uncalled for. It wasn’t ‘brave’, it was rude. Sorry she was so horrible.

Your 'friend' doesn't know what psychotic means. And is a rude bitch.

SALT only see her for 20-30 mins at a time. It seems ridiculous that they can get her referred but my say so as a parent can't!

I think that's a pretty nasty thing to say there, that OP being being painted as someone making it worse for her DD, that's insulting and completely untrue.

No-one has said that.

Those comments were genuine offers of help, and OP has received them.as such, and is already on it anyway. To say they don't exist is also a lie. I have DC that once old enough to make these conclusions for themselves have told hcp they feel weird on them.

It's not unreasonable to offer it as a possible contributing factor at all! Its not unreasonable as it does impact on DC.

Turns out OP is on it, so all good. No-one's suggesting she omit whole food groups, did they? I certainly didn't.

Sorry OP if I went off topic a bit re the psychopath stuff - it's just that having a relative who is one has made me research the subject, so I could better deal with them.

Anyway all this psychobabble stuff isn't what you need, you've really got your hands full and you need help, and need it quickly. Lots of people have posted helpful comments about how they deal with their DC who have various special needs/learning difficulties, and the PP who mentioned that often the first word is missed/ignored seems to have hit on something that may be relevant.

I would be very interested to hear which ideas you try, and which things help your DD. I'm sure some of the suggestions upthread will be helpful, it's just a matter of you working out which ones fit your DD best. Good luck OP.