Friend called my child's behaviour psychotic

[HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed]

I bumped into a friend and her 3 year old with my DC in the park this afternoon. We met when our DC became friends at nursery and used to meet up every 2-3 weeks but after she changed her work hours it gradually tailed off. She is pretty rigid with her DC and ensures they adhere to every single rule. I'm more relaxed but definitely don't let them run riot. For example - if no one else was in the park, I wouldn't have a problem with my DC climbing up the slide, if they see puddles I don't mind if they splash in them, if they want to climb trees, collect rocks, stroke dogs - that's fine. My friend always looked shocked and told her DC a firm no to joining in.

My three year old DD is very unpredictable and I have been concerned about her behaviour for a while. Her older sister has HFA and I wonder if she too is on the spectrum, or if she could have ADHD. The incidents that prompted my friend to call her behaviour 'psychotic' were:

DD climbed to the top of a spider web type net and called me to wave. I waved and then 10 seconds later she called me again, I turned round and she leapt off the top of it at me It was high and luckily I wasn't holding the baby and managed to catch her. She has form for doing this - leaping from the top of the stairs at me without warning, jumping off the sofa onto my back when I'm changing baby on the floor. She seems to have no comprehension of what she's done wrong afterwards.

After the park we were all walking to the car park together. We were waiting for a green man to cross the road and I was adjusting my dogs lead as she was tangled and I heard the click of the pushchair break. DD had taken it off and if I hadn't been blocking the wheel with my foot then baby would have rolled into the road. Again, DD appears vacant when told off.

My friend messaged me this evening to say something needs to be done about DD, that her behaviour is psychotic and she doesn't feel safe having her DD around her. She knows I have approached the GP before but without nursery reporting issues they won't refer her.

AIBU to feel totally at a loss as to what to do with DD? I have a feeling this isn't the first friend I've lost over her behaviour. Consequences make no difference to her whatsoever. She hurts me or at least one of her siblings daily without fail due to not thinking through her actions. She's almost 4 now and her speech is pretty much incomprehensible to everyone except me and her siblings but she doesn't care. If we do gluing or painting at home, she'll just cover herself in it or pour it all over the paper. We can't have play doh because she eats it. I can't leave her alone for a minute because she's always so impulsive - I've caught her mid air about to jump on the dog from the kitchen table, stopped her pinning the baby down numerous times. She just looks vacant when being reprimanded and carries on the way she is.

I've had similar issues with my son and at one point ended up in hospital with him because he'd fallen down a whole flight of stairs as he lunged forward expecting me to catch him, that time i just wasn't quick enough, luckily we came home with him having a concussion and slight bruising but has no sense of danger and doesn't sink in when I tell him off. Having problems getting referal also. I think it was unkind what she said, she should be more supportive as it is very hard to manage with and is physically and emotionally exhausting. She doesn't seem a very good friend tbh. I am luckily I now have friends that understand there's issues even though we don't yet know the cause and aren't judgemental. In fact they are very supportive. I hope you have more supportive friends than this.

zzzzz

People are born with psychopathy. It's a rare thing, but does happen. You can't create it. It's not necessarily a bad thing anyway, psychopaths are usually quite successful. A lot of ceos are psychopaths. They get a bad name from the press. Not all psychopaths are murderers and not all murderers are psychopaths.

They are reckless, impulsive, lack empathy, charming etc. They aren't evil. It's a personality 'disorder' although to be honest I think that's a bit unfair to call them disorders. It's your personality and what makes you, you. Define normal in personality. You can't.

I don't understand what your respective parenting styles have to do with any of this

I suspect your friend used the word to try to shock you into considering that DD needs help - particularly if your response to her actions appeared to your friend to be minimising them / laughing them off as "high spirits" or similar

What are deliberate acts of malice a symptom of?

This is a 3 year old child. To suggest that her behaviour is a deliberate act of malice is ridiculous. Do you honestly believe she understands that her letting the brake off the buggy could have the serious consequences we know it could have? OF course not! She won't fully understand that, even if NT and intelligent, for a couple of years at least!

For example, she shouldn’t be climbing up the slide whether other kids are there or not

really??? Why?

Because it sets a precedent, sends out mixed messages, and leaves mud on the slide for others to pick up on their clothes.

Jeez. Whatever happened to common sense?

It is absolutely exhausting. The only time I can relax is the few hours she's in nursery. She'll come running to me for a hug, then bite me so hard I bleed. She takes everything completely literally. We read a book the other day and her sister quoted a line from it saying 'If I don't eat jelly, I must eat something' and took a step towards DD and she was absolutely hysterically screaming and punching at her to get her away as if she would actually eat her. She absolutely despises walking and I have no idea how I'm going to even get her to school in September.

If my friend was scared of her child being with a slightly impulsive 3 year old, I would suggest she sought help

Taking the brake off a baby's pram at the side of a main road is more than 'slightly impulsive' It's dangerous and it would scare me.

PtahNeith Excellent post.
I hope you get the help that you need for your DD OP.

It must be hard. There is something very wrong though.

I think I'm used to constantly being on guard as to what she could possibly do next but it is the questions that test my patience. She'll ask for a slice of toast, I'll put in it. She'll say 'please can I have some toast?' repeatedly until she has it. It doesn't matter how many times I say it's on its way, I'll bring it when it's ready, let me know when you hear the toaster pop...She just can't stop herself asking over and over again.

I've no idea how I will get her to school in September
OP strap her in a double buggy if she wont walk?

The word psychotic is thrown around like several other words even on here, eg narcissist. The actual disorders pertaining to these 2 words are way more complex than an unfeeling or selfish person respectively. She used the wrong word but the word she used conveys her extreme frustration and she was trying to give you a wakeup call, though to be fair to you, you seem aware of a critical need to have her seen. None of your DDs behaviour sounds normal, particularly the launching of herself off heights. She does need an immediate referral because that behaviour is too dangerous to herself to start with. Tell your friend how aware you are of the problem, maybe not to describe her in such a way but that you are going to urgently get her seen, because you have to.

whatever happened to free play. Goodness you would hate Forest School

I'd know what to expect in Forest School and dress them accordingly. I don't expect a slide in a public park to be a mudslick. Although they usually are. A small number of inconsiderate people spoil it for everyone.

Secondly, your so called friend (and some posters here) needs to learn to use a dictionary. Psychotic means affected by psychosis. Psychosis means someone experiences difficulties in distinguishing between what is real and what is not, hallucinations etc. It does not mean violent or psychopathic, and people who use it as a pejorative are ignorant and contributing towards discrimination against people with mental illness.
^THIS. Appalling stigmatising language.

Serin she would be aggravating her sibling the entire way. I sold the double pushchair I had for that very reason!

From your updates I think you need to push for a referral asap. Perhaps try and see a different GP. And write everything down and hand it to them.

It sounds like she will need extra help when she goes to school. If she's managing to mask two mornings a week that's one thing. But when she's full time at school she's going to struggle. And with her speech as well.

I would bring up an assessment for an ehcp at the earliest opportunity. I didn't push for this for DS and it's one of my biggest regrets. If I had my time again I would have been a hell of a lot more pushy.

Is she able to get funding to attend nursery more frequently? Or do you think she would struggle to cope? Just thinking it would give you a bit of extra help and might highlight her difficulties more for the nursery to see.

Also try using minimal language. So if she tries to touch the iron say 'no, hot', rather than 'don't touch, it's hot' as out of that sentence she may only hear the word touch.

Sorry if I'm telling you things you already know but just thinking out loud really.

Yes, you need help with her, she's straying outside of what is normal/ ok for a kiddo of her age.

But what your friend said was shit and good luck to her when her precious snowflake rebels on her one day.

I hope you get the support you need. Am currently going through the aseessment stages with mine.

Also push for occupational therapy for sensory assessment. The biting in particular sounds sensory to me. DS was obsessed with licking me at that stage.

It's rather inconsiderate to let them run up the slide, as they'll be leaving a trail of mud, dog excrement and all sorts from their shoes on the side that the next child to use it properly then has to sit in. It also makes the slide less slippy, so less fun for other children who use it properly.

Misses point of thread

OP, just to address the questioning thing...my son does this. It can be a type of stimming. The actual asking of the question creates a calming mechanism. As long as you give the same answer every time.

There isn't really the opportunity for her to display the behaviour at nursery - they can't understand her so she wouldn't bother with the incessant questions, there's nothing dangerous like stairs or ovens to be wary of, she isn't interested in the other children (unless she deems them to be pushing in) but nursery put that down to being reluctant to communicate because of her speech problems.

She's so much worse after she's been to nursery, I presume because she's been masking, that it doesn't make the break from her behaviour worthwhile.