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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend called my child's behaviour psychotic

211 replies

HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 23/02/2019 22:41

I bumped into a friend and her 3 year old with my DC in the park this afternoon. We met when our DC became friends at nursery and used to meet up every 2-3 weeks but after she changed her work hours it gradually tailed off. She is pretty rigid with her DC and ensures they adhere to every single rule. I'm more relaxed but definitely don't let them run riot. For example - if no one else was in the park, I wouldn't have a problem with my DC climbing up the slide, if they see puddles I don't mind if they splash in them, if they want to climb trees, collect rocks, stroke dogs - that's fine. My friend always looked shocked and told her DC a firm no to joining in.

My three year old DD is very unpredictable and I have been concerned about her behaviour for a while. Her older sister has HFA and I wonder if she too is on the spectrum, or if she could have ADHD. The incidents that prompted my friend to call her behaviour 'psychotic' were:

DD climbed to the top of a spider web type net and called me to wave. I waved and then 10 seconds later she called me again, I turned round and she leapt off the top of it at me Confused It was high and luckily I wasn't holding the baby and managed to catch her. She has form for doing this - leaping from the top of the stairs at me without warning, jumping off the sofa onto my back when I'm changing baby on the floor. She seems to have no comprehension of what she's done wrong afterwards.

After the park we were all walking to the car park together. We were waiting for a green man to cross the road and I was adjusting my dogs lead as she was tangled and I heard the click of the pushchair break. DD had taken it off and if I hadn't been blocking the wheel with my foot then baby would have rolled into the road. Again, DD appears vacant when told off.

My friend messaged me this evening to say something needs to be done about DD, that her behaviour is psychotic and she doesn't feel safe having her DD around her. She knows I have approached the GP before but without nursery reporting issues they won't refer her.

AIBU to feel totally at a loss as to what to do with DD? I have a feeling this isn't the first friend I've lost over her behaviour. Consequences make no difference to her whatsoever. She hurts me or at least one of her siblings daily without fail due to not thinking through her actions. She's almost 4 now and her speech is pretty much incomprehensible to everyone except me and her siblings but she doesn't care. If we do gluing or painting at home, she'll just cover herself in it or pour it all over the paper. We can't have play doh because she eats it. I can't leave her alone for a minute because she's always so impulsive - I've caught her mid air about to jump on the dog from the kitchen table, stopped her pinning the baby down numerous times. She just looks vacant when being reprimanded and carries on the way she is.

OP posts:
Dohee · 23/02/2019 23:00

The thing with the brake on the buggy would be the most concerning to me. That was a deliberate act. That wasn't just fooling around. I don't think it's that your dd doesn't understand consequences. I think it's that she does.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 23/02/2019 23:00

What a needlessly hurtful thing to say. I could not be friends with her after this.

I would make an appointment with the GP for your DD and try and start the ball rolling.

BishopBrennansArse · 23/02/2019 23:01

Your friend is a twat.

I think you need to get things rolling on getting her assessed, though. It's bloody hard for girls, took me 2 years longer to get DD diagnosed with autism than both boys and they missed me for 38 years!

But the tide is turning.

If you're already familiar with autism strategies I'd implement them as much as possible to make life easier for you.

BishopBrennansArse · 23/02/2019 23:02

@Dohee how does a small child putting herself in danger suggest to you that she understands consequences? Really?

papasmerf · 23/02/2019 23:02

Is your friend not English? My SIL is Polish and she calls things and people psychotic and lunatic very freely.

Your child sounds like a hazard though and I think you're used to her and you've become desensitised to her behaviour so don't appreciate how shocking seeing those things are to other people.

greenpop21 · 23/02/2019 23:02

Sounds like you have your hands full. Your friend's comment sounds careless. However that type of fearless behaviour sounds a little worrying. Chn at that age usually have a sense of self preservation.

Dohee · 23/02/2019 23:04

She took the brake off the buggy so that it would roll into the road.

SkaterGrrrrl · 23/02/2019 23:05

Oh dear, sounds very worrying for you.

"I have a feeling this isn't the first friend I've lost over her behaviour."

What do you mean, have other friends quietly bailed after similar incidents?

Maybe talk to your GP? X

Raven88 · 23/02/2019 23:06

Your child isn't psychotic, that's a horrible label to give to a three year old. Not sure if you have seen this link www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/hyperactivity-impulsivity/understanding-your-childs-trouble-with-impulsivity

hippoherostandinghere · 23/02/2019 23:08

That wasn't an appropriate word to use, your friend should be trying to help you, you clearly have your hands full.
You should ask your GP for and Speech and language therapy referral. Or you can self refer. She needs help with her speech delay and they can also assess her language to see what she understands and how she expresses herself. They can also refer on the paediatrics if they see fit.
I would also push for a referral to paediatrics.
Good luck OP, I hope you get somewhere soon.

PtahNeith · 23/02/2019 23:08

First off, sounds like you need to become pushier about getting support and referrals. You shouldn't feel guilty about being assertive. You've had some decent guidance on this aspect.

Secondly, your so called friend (and some posters here) needs to learn to use a dictionary. Psychotic means affected by psychosis. Psychosis means someone experiences difficulties in distinguishing between what is real and what is not, hallucinations etc. It does not mean violent or psychopathic, and people who use it as a pejorative are ignorant and contributing towards discrimination against people with mental illness.

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 23/02/2019 23:08

I absolutely agree she needs to be referred. It took over a year to get her sibling referred as nursery wouldn't back me up but I don't feel like I have that time as DDs behaviour is so unpredictable and dangerous. She only goes to nursery two mornings per week. They haven't reported any concerns (besides her speech) but she's very pent up when she gets home. She said a few weeks ago the children were talking in the toilets about what poo feels like to touch. The look on her face told me that she was the one to touch it to find out Sad She can't walk anywhere without dragging at least her hand, or usually her whole body, along the wall. If I say don't touch that, it's hot - she wouldn't be able to resist touching it, I'd have to physically intervene.

She sees a SALT regularly but it's making little difference.

OP posts:
hippoherostandinghere · 23/02/2019 23:11

Oh I see you have SLT input. What have they said about her language? Or are they just focussing I'm her speech sounds? That all sounds very difficult.

babysharkah · 23/02/2019 23:12

Psychotic isn't helpful but it sounds like you need help with the behaviour

MitziK · 23/02/2019 23:14

It's not a pleasant message to receive, but it could be helpful to show the GP what other people's perceptions are of her behaviour.

She does sound like she has severe issues that must be identified and handled whilst she's small enough that you, her siblings or animals aren't seriously hurt by her - or she ends up leaping from a window or other high place/meddling with the pushchair lock with catastrophic consequences.

It must be so hard for you.

babysharkah · 23/02/2019 23:14

Sorry, didn't see your update while I was posting ThanksGin

peskypooches · 23/02/2019 23:14

We were referred through nursery - have never even seen a GP. DS was diagnosed with ASD aged 4 and ADHD a few years later. His behaviours were quite similar - no danger awareness, no ability for 'abstract' conjecture (not that many 3 year olds would, but he still doesn't and he's 10....), late speech etc. Sorry your friend was so tactless though.....

Original poster
HelenLaBloodyAnnoyed · 23/02/2019 23:15

At first they thought she had a problem with her palate as everything she says begins with N or D but then they dismissed that and have been working on sounds. She's just finished a 6 week course and it's made no difference at all.

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 23/02/2019 23:16

Your friend is NOT a twat. Not using “acceptable” words is what average people do when they are trying to communicate using everyday language.
Your DD has been incredibly dangerous, twice.
Address it now.
Be very clear about which action she has is dangerous ie...jumping off the top will break bones unless someone catches you.I might not be quick enough.
Especially address the brake issue, if you take the brake off your brother could roll in the road and die. Do you want that? You never know, she might hate her sibling for some daft reason,

peskypooches · 23/02/2019 23:18

Sorry - just saw your update about nursery and SALT. Can you contact the NAS and ask how best to proceed?

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 23:20

As alarming as her behaviours would appear to your friend, she was absolutely out of line for using the word psychotic when talking about a three year old little girl

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/02/2019 23:21

Obviously your DD is not psychotic, and your friend probably is not that bright or sensitive to use that term.

Equally obviously, your DD's behaviour merits investigation, and you can call your Children's Centre to arrange a HV review. I would also discuss your concerns very frankly with the nursery - if her behaviour is the same with them they will have noticed, and if it is not, that in itself is important.

As far as looking vacant when being told off though...in my experience most 3 year olds do that. It is brain meltingly frustrating.

zzzzz · 23/02/2019 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dohee · 23/02/2019 23:26

It's possible the friend meant psychopathic rather than psychotic.

If my friend was fearful of their child being in the company of my 3 year old, I would seriously get the message.

my2bundles · 23/02/2019 23:26

My dd also displayed these and other dangerous behaviours at her age. She was diagnosed with low functino autism age 3. Please push for an assessment. Dohee, my dd displays behaviours similar to the OPS child, there is no malice as she does not undertmstand the danger behind her actions. She can't see danger and 15 years of intervention she still carnt. Please educate yourself.