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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 23/02/2019 20:53

Does he at least bike round to their house, if they're giving him a lift?

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:56

@HeathRobinson no they tend to collect him from different pick up spots, our local high street being one. They tell him where to walk to and they get him from there, then drop him off wherever is most convenient for them on the way back.

The bicycle is on its last legs and I wouldn't fancy my chances on it going across the city myself to be fair, but unless he wants to walk (not feasible) I don't see what other options he has.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 23/02/2019 20:57

YANBU. There have been threads on here recently with people complaining about CF's expecting lifts for themselves to night class, or lifts for kids to/from school. People simply cannot expect that others will happily give a lift. Does your dp offer money towards fuel when he gets a lift?

Thinkinghappythoughts · 23/02/2019 20:59

Is it much out of the way for at least one of the team to give him a lift? If no, then there isn't much team spirit. If yes, then he should figure it out himself. I'd stay out of it. He's a big boy.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:01

I'm not sure where the team mates live but I don't think any are in our immediate burrough.

I don't actually think he offers to reimburse them for petrol either which is probably also why they're getting the hump with him expecting lifts.

It's none of my business really I'm just a bit tired of hearing him moan about it every weekend.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 23/02/2019 21:01

People don’t mind giving lifts if it’s reciprocated, or they are not unconvienced. Ie, the lift-recipient is near the lift-giver (or en route to destination).

Leaving to arrange the lift the day before is too late.

I think I would be annoyed if someone wanted (expected) a lift the day before the game. It should be arranged before.

HavelockVetinari · 23/02/2019 21:03

Sounds like his team mates are getting pissed off with him taking lifts and never reciprocating. Why doesn't he drive? Or take public transport? He really needs to do one or the other, it's not socially acceptable to be quilting people last-minute into providing lifts. The other option is giving up the sport if he really can't afford public transport and waiting till he's paid off enough of his loan to get contact less. It's not acceptable to use yours.

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2019 21:03

As said, if a team mate was in genuine financial hardship and a lift was needed, it would be twatty to not give one.

But he does need to start budgeting for travel costs, because they obviously aren't happy to oblige.

MarthasGinYard · 23/02/2019 21:04

Is he a taker in other ways

He sounds a bit entitled

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:07

No real reason for him not being a driver, aside the cost of paying for lessons and running the car.

There are good transport links where we live, but he doesn't need to use them as he works close to home and rarely goes elsewhere. He doesn't factor in travel costs to his games on the weekends which I think is a bit irresponsible but it's not as though we can really afford it most weeks, he just banks on his team mates taking him.

He won't hear of quitting his hobby so it's the same old rigmarole every weekend.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 23/02/2019 21:08

I don't understand why he would even consider joining a team when he can't/won't get to their grounds and back without someone giving him a lift? It seems very selfish of him and it's hardly surprising that his team mates are starting to get fed up. Especially if he never contributes towards petrol etc. It's a bit telling that none of them contact him to offer a lift when they must know that he'll need one and instead he has to start chasing around for lifts the day before. That's a very clear message to him that he seems to be ignoring.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:09

He's a nice person (but comes across as an entitled CF in this case but it's not deliberate)

He genuinely fails to see why people would get sick of being asked for lifts.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 23/02/2019 21:09

He won't hear of quitting his hobby so it's the same old rigmarole every weekend.

I certainly wouldn't give him my bank card to facilitate this. He needs t learn to pay for himself or do without.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:11

He's not the most tuned in to social customs and doesn't pick up on the (imo very blatant) signs that they're sick of giving him a lift and why.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 23/02/2019 21:12

It is your business if he is wanting to use household funds to get there.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:14

He's very adverse to change and says he doesn't want to find another team closer to home. He's a creature of habit and I assume partly down to his ASD traits. He doesn't understand that he's inconveniencing people when he's relying on them to transport him, as a non driver he doesn't consider the added cost and effort people need to go to in order to get him there and back.

OP posts:
cstaff · 23/02/2019 21:14

If he is in a huff about no lift tomorrow just ignore him but if he asks you if you have any idea why the lifts have stopped be straight with him.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:14

@GnomeDePlume Yes you're right there, it is actually

OP posts:
Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:16

@cstaff I've explained to him no end of times that people don't like to be put upon for regular lifts if it's taking them out of their way. I've tried to get him to see it from his team mates perspective but he's unable to and instead assumes they're being difficult or 'funny' with him

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/02/2019 21:18

Tell him to sort out a proper arrangement with a team mate including giving them petrol money and maybe occasionally paying for a taxi for them both if they don't feel like driving or can't drive.

emilybrontescorsett · 23/02/2019 21:18

The thing is I'm not surprised others are getting fed up of giving him lifts.
Running a car is expensive. He should at least offer some petrol money or buy them a drink, whether it's alcoholic or not, or get them a gift to show his appreciation.

Hidingtonothing · 23/02/2019 21:20

Time to disengage on this particular subject I think OP, don't offer your card in future and switch off when he whinges about it, only responding with non committal noises. This is his problem, of his own making really, leave him to sort it and stop letting him make you responsible for fixing it.

RogersVideo · 23/02/2019 21:20

As you say it's not really your problem to worry about. If he insists that everyone else on the team is being unreasonable, then I would just give him some disinterested "mhmms" when he goes on about it again.

If he can't afford to play once everyone stops helping him then yeah, he'll be forced to find a hobby closer to home!

BinaryStar · 23/02/2019 21:20

If he is unwilling or unable me to budget so that he can travel to games, at least when public transport is a realistic option for a venue, then sounds like he can’t actually afford to play this sport. Or he needs to find a way to up his income.

What a self cantered man he sounds.

BackforGood · 23/02/2019 21:27

I think if they all live locally, then it would be very different from having to 'go and fetch him'. My ds plays for a team - some lads don't drive and the others are happy to take them - after all, without everyone, they wouldn't have enough for the team.....
However they all live relatively close to each other, and are friends with each other.
Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you dp doesn't actually live 'just round the corner' or 'on the way', so no, people won't want to keep taking and fetching him.