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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 25/02/2019 07:20

He sounds quite inflexible about it. He should join a team closer to home so he can walk there. What happened though?

PregnantSea · 25/02/2019 07:24

Don't enable him by offering to pay for it. Sounds like you two are going through some tough times financially. Part of that is having to budget and do without things that aren't essential. He needs to grow up.

BikeRunSki · 25/02/2019 07:29

Not driving is fine, but he needs to be able to get himself wherever he needs to go independently, whether by bike or budgeting for public transport. Relying on lifts is not fine. As a non/driver, he might not realise the costs of running a car, or appreciate drivers may not necessarily be going straight there and straight back home again. I suspect his team mates are getting a bit fed up of all the take and no give.

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2019 07:36

If it’s not out of your way, and you’ve got a seat in your car why on earth would you mind taking someone- particularly a team mate- to the place you’re going anyway?

Where in any of the OPs posts does it say it isn't out of their way?
And even if it wasn't, it's sometimes just annoying having to make extra stops, interrupting usual schedule, messing about with someone else routine whether that's them leaving right on the dot they need to leave or singing at the top of their lungs in the car. These people were arsed to buy a car, pay for lessons and fill their car with fuel. It is very annoying if someone just expects lifts, doesn't offer any fuel money or seem grateful (which I can imagine this person is like, seems to think it's an expectation rather than a favour).
And i bet you, if he learns to drive and gets a car, had be the last person to offer a lift.

FinallyHere · 25/02/2019 07:36

I'd rather he didn't use my bank card tomorrow but I do prefer it to the alternative which would be him sulking and going about in a mood because he couldn't go and partake this weekend.

Nooooo. Once his sulking causes you to change your behaviour, to do something you don't want to do I'm afraid that you are rewarding the sulking. Even enabling.

Is that how you want to live?

Oh, funny that, you have already given up your gym membership because you can't afford it but are being guilted into giving him cash for his hobby.

Doesn't take MN to see that not fair.

hoppityfrog3 · 25/02/2019 07:38

There is nothing wrong with having no car/not being a driver, but it's very unfair and wrong to expect lifts off other people. I have met very few non-drivers, but virtually every one has expected lifts at some point. It gets on my tits actually.

Me and DH have had times (in the past,) when we have cycled to work for a few weeks (4-5 miles,) because we got sick of non-drivers begging lifts. Some of them expect you to go miles out of your way to take them home, or drop them off at the shopping centre etc... They are relentless and have no conscience. They don't give a shit that it's costing you time and money, and wear and tear on your car.

I point blank refuse lifts now, (unless it is a serious emergency.) Get your own f^cking car.

UrsulaPandress · 25/02/2019 07:40

If his participation is essential to the team's success then I would imagine that they would want him there. Is there someone who 'manages' the team that your DH could speak to. Maybe set something up for the season whereby one person or a rota is established for lifts, in return for some recompense? Traveling together to a game can be part of team building.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 25/02/2019 07:46

If I were him I would set something up with one person - the person who it’s easiest for and pay them petrol money

EvaHarknessRose · 25/02/2019 07:46

I agree its not for you to sort out.

A self effacing message on the group chat is needed. Something like ‘I’m sorry I have had to rely on everyone for lifts every week - thanks to everyone who has taken me, I owe you a beer. I can’t get to future matches due to costs unfortunately, but if anyone is able to offer lifts in exchange for petrol money I would like to stay with the team if possible.’

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 07:47

Oh bollocks to the wear and tear on the car/costing money argument. You’re going there anyway!

And the OP said that her dp was picked up/dropped off at places convenient to the lift giver.

origamiunicorn · 25/02/2019 07:50

I don't drive as I lived in London and didn't need to and happily got myself around. Now I've moved somewhere more rural I am going to start learning as the infrastructure isn't here.

However, I don't rely on anyone, I get myself to everywhere I need to be and it doesn't stop me from doing things. In fact, I often have people offering me a lift (I never ask) and I usually decline. I actually prefer travelling under my own steam and not relying on other people as that's what I'm used to.

If I do take a lift I will tell them to drop me where it suits them and always offer petrol money. I know non-drivers who just expect lifts and does come across as entitled.

Janedoughnut · 25/02/2019 07:54

I don't have a car and I make sure I don't ask for rides. On the rare occasion I ask for one

Eh?

EmpressAdultHumanFemale · 25/02/2019 07:58

I have met very few non-drivers, but virtually every one has expected lifts at some point. It gets on my tits actually.

And they give the rest of us a bad name. I didn’t learn to drive because I didn’t want to. So I live in London & whenever I’m travelling elsewhere, the first thing I do is research local public transport, get taxi numbers, etc. It’s just about taking responsibility.

Janedoughnut · 25/02/2019 07:58

I bet that there's not many car owners who haven't given a lift at some time and didn't mind. But when it becomes expected then that's when it get annoying.

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2019 08:05

And the OP said that her dp was picked up/dropped off at places convenient to the lift giver. Has she? She said she didnt think any of the drivers lived in their bourough and that they would tell him where to go to be picked up. Which might make it slightly more convenient but that by no means say it is actually convenient to the drivers...

Alsohuman · 25/02/2019 08:05

Why is taking lifts a heinous crime? Especially if the person giving the lift is going anyway? If more people gave and took lifts and got some cars off the road we’d all benefit.

CallMeSirShotsFired · 25/02/2019 08:07

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

Aside from the rest of it pp have commented on (which I agree with), this is the bit that stuck out for me. The passive-aggressive, childish way he does it - like an expectant toddler.

If he's the goalie or whatever, then the team knows he is needed, so in the other group chat they have without him (which they blatantly have!), every week someone is nominated to do the deed once his whiny last minute near-blackmail is posted.

If he was just a sub, then you wouldn't see anything but tumbleweed, week in week out.

And I bet there is a concerted move to find a replacement goalie asap too, then they will drop him like a handful of shit.

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2019 08:11

Because it takes extra time. To make extra stops, it eats into the lift givers time etc etc. It's just an annoyance.

If more people gave and took lifts and got some cars off the road we’d all benefit. you could say that about everything really.
If people stopped smoking and drinking we'd all benefit. If we all worked in our home towns we'd all benefit. If we only had one light on and one radiator on in the house we'd all benefit.

I used to liftshare and it was a pain in the neck. Having to wait for the other person to finish work so if they had to work late, so did I. Or the time when the driver forgot his dog at work and only remembered once he picked me up so we had to cross the city to go get the dog adding on 1hour to our already 1hr+ trip home. To get a lift and to give a lift is just a pain.

origamiunicorn · 25/02/2019 08:12

I don't have a car and I make sure I don't ask for rides. On the rare occasion I ask for one eh?

If that's at me @janedoughnut it's because some people insist on a lift so I do accept the odd ones, 99% of the time I get myself around.

A lady I work with often insists I have a lift to and from work with her when she sees me, I try to avoid it with silly excuses like, oh I need to pop to town after and then she'll say, don't worry I'll drop you there. She's even seen me getting off a bus once and asked why I didn't ask for a lift. Just thinking now, maybe my avoidance of lifts has something to do with this I'm happier with a book and my music on public transport.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 08:14

I think it’s just a Mumsnet thing. In real life, I have never met anyone who regards giving a lift as only one step below giving a kidney......

Alsohuman · 25/02/2019 08:16

Or me. It’s a completely normal thing in my world.

Whisky2014 · 25/02/2019 08:16

Its definitely not just a MN thing.

Iloveacurry · 25/02/2019 08:16

Honestly he really should be offering some petrol money. If he can’t afford the £20 travel to get himself there, perhaps he should not being doing it at all.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 25/02/2019 08:26

So you’d rather drive an empty car than give a lift from a place convenient to you to a place you’re going to anyway?

Yep, sure would! I love driving on my own and definitely prefer it to giving a lift to some rude, ungrateful twat who expects me to be their personal, free Uber. Sure as fuck.

Willow2017 · 25/02/2019 08:26

if his participation is essential to the team's success then I would imagine that they would want him there. Is there someone who 'manages' the team that your DH could speak to. Maybe set something up for the season whereby one person or a rota is established for lifts, in return for some recompense? Traveling together to a game can be part of team building.

Seriously?
This man thinks its his god given right to.be ferried everywhere for free.
Sulks when he thinks his friends and op.are being unreasonable in not facilitating his hobby at thier expense..
Has no intention of paying his team mates for thier running costs.
Cannot afford to do this hobby anyway.

But the manager of the team should force his fed up team mates to run him here and there every week? I am sure by now his team would prefer to have someine else join the team and get rid of this entitled cf thier backs.

He is an adult. He can manage his own transport needs ffs. He needs to realise people do not need to rearrange their weekend around him, leaving earlier to pick him up, having to go straight home so he gets dropped off etc. Using thier car at thier cost to do this while he pays feck all towards it.

Why the hell is it someine elses responsibility to arrange transport for him? I am sure he manages to function perfectly well at work.and home without someone holding his hand or doing things for him.

Anyway he really cannot afford this so should be taking responsibility and giving it up.until he is financially stable enough to afford it. Op had to give up her hobby why should everyone bend over backwards to facilitate him to do his for free?

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