Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/02/2019 21:28

So he doesn't do anything for them, but wants them to put themselves out both financially and time-wise for him? You need a strong word with him before he loses all his friends, OP.

BeesandGees · 23/02/2019 21:34

He has to contribute, or at least offer to contribute some petrol money. Nobody likes a freeloader and the rest of the team are probably rightly fed up with being taken for granted. I generally never take money from friends but they would not be friends for long if it was not offered, or favors returned or acknowledged in some way. Maybe he needs to be upfront about the lack of disposable cash and offer to help in some way that benefits the team. He needs a kick up the backside!

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 23/02/2019 21:37

Suggest that he buys himself an oyster card on payday and puts enough money on it to cover his travel for the month.

Don't give him your bank card.

quizqueen · 23/02/2019 21:39

People who choose ( for whatever reason) not to run their own car, shouldn't expect others to pay the costs of running a car to give them lifts! They may have to budget very carefully to be able to afford a car and give up other luxuries like holidays, meals out, Sky tv etc.so why should they offer lifts to someone who doesn't run a car of their own and does nothing for them?

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 23/02/2019 21:40

I wouldn't give him my card.

MintCassis · 23/02/2019 21:41

It could be the extra time it takes that's annoying his teammates. I don't mind going a bit out of my way to give someone a lift but it's annoying needing to leave 30 minutes earlier, especially if you've already got an early start and it's eating into precious family time at the weekend.

HeathRobinson · 23/02/2019 21:46

What would he say if you asked him why they're 'being funny with him'?

MadeForThis · 23/02/2019 21:48

He is a CF if he is taking lifts every week and not contributing to petrol.

You don't want to pay for him to get there so why should his teammates?

Btw it's not your responsibility either.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 21:49

I'd rather he didn't use my bank card tomorrow but I do prefer it to the alternative which would be him sulking and going about in a mood because he couldn't go and partake this weekend.

It's the last time I'll do it though, if he can't sort something out himself for next weekend then it's tough luck. I absolutely do understand why the team mates would be annoyed as it's every week. As a non driver myself i don't ask my friends for lifts because I've seen and heard many a time that people can and do get annoyed. I've missed out on going places because I couldn't get there and that's my problem.

They've been good to him these past few months by taking him and not asking for anything in return. He's gotten too comfortable with it.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 23/02/2019 21:52

If he hasn't budgeted and you can't afford it, his 'friends' or teammates will not give him a lift, then he surely cannot go. It is as simple as that.

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2019 21:52

Sulking? Jeez that’s no reason to bail him out of a hole of his own making.
He’s taking the piss. Expecting people to go out of their way with no notice and no offer of contribution to fuel etc. If it’s a team sport doesn’t he also mess up the team by being a no show? Doubt they will want him much longer.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 23/02/2019 21:54

I'd rather he didn't use my bank card tomorrow but I do prefer it to the alternative which would be him sulking and going about in a mood because he couldn't go and partake this weekend.

Fuck that! Leave him to it. Go and go for a walk. Ignore his sulking. His teamates are sick of him as he's an entitled CF.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2019 21:55

You've explained, he isn't listening. So leave him to it and let him whine and fuss. Eventually he'll figure it out when no one will give him a lift. And hell would freeze over before I'd give him my bank card to facilitate his selfish twattiness (or twatty selfishness, which ever sounds best). Especially if my own money is tight.

Margot33 · 23/02/2019 21:57

He needs to find a more local team. He cannot keep expecting lifts.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2019 22:01

Sorry he sounds like a right CF with the hide of a rhino, I think his teammates has understandably had enough. It costs to run a car, which they have to finance, these lifts are regular not just a one off. I am saying this as a non car driver. I would never do this. Don't give him yiur bank card, he has to do this by himself.

whataremyoption · 23/02/2019 22:08

Did you say it costs a fiver there and back? So a fiver in total? That's not much really for a hobby, if he thinks of that as an inevitable, built-in cost. And that is the cost - it costs a fiver to do his hobby. If he can't afford it, he either makes sacrifices elsewhere or he doesn't go.

LunafortJest · 23/02/2019 22:09

Any adult knows that you should always offer petrol money. It is the proper decent thing to do. If he won't, then he won't be picked up. It's as simple as that. No such thing as free lunches and all that... I wouldn't be surprised if his teammates are hoping he will quit the team and they can breathe a sigh of relief. How did you get married to such a selfish man?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2019 22:12

I'm in a team and would be really pissed off with him. He'd have to be an awesome player! It simply isn't fair. If you drive yourself and three other team members, then you should get the next three weeks 'off'. With your dh in the group of 4, the others have to drive more frequently. What is he giving back?
In our team, we have the older ones (me!) who take it in turns to drive, we don't expect the 17year olds to drive, (its a cost that's too much of their disposable income), and the one older lady who doesn't want to drive bakes a cake for us all every week as her contribution. Everyone's happy I think.

It doesn't sound like your dh can afford this hobby. So he has two choices, work more to afford it, or don't do it.

RandomMess · 23/02/2019 22:19

He needs to be giving petrol money and is that going to be cheaper than him using public transport/Uber?

Nicketynac · 23/02/2019 22:19

DH plays rugby. He drives now but for years relied on other players to give him lifts to away games and now he does the same for other people. I don’t think his team mates begrudged it (and he’s not that great a player 😂😂) but he used to offer petrol money or buy drinks etc.
His team have a big age spread though, so the older ones are used to looking out for younger ones to some extent. There is a wide variation in incomes in our town so there will always be players who don’t drive and the team make an effort to include everyone so it’s just expected that lifts will be offered but the offer is always appreciated and paid back in some other way.

bundesdelboy · 23/02/2019 22:20

He sounds like a CF, no wonder his team mates are running out of sympathy.

You are also enabling his entitlement too.
He needs to figure out how to sort it out if it's important to him (be that buying a new bicycle, walking (no idea why that's unfeasible if it's only a few pounds in a taxi), taxi, learning to budget better or work more hours to cover the cost, paying petrol money to friends etc) - it's not your problem to fix.

Thing is it's not just a petrol money (and tax, and repairs, and MOT, and insurance,.....etc) thing - I'd resent the time and extra commitment involved each week.

He's an able bodied adult, everyone else sorts themselves out - why can't he?

And instead of being grateful, he's in a huff because the piss taking isn't on for tomorrow?!

Myyearmytime · 23/02/2019 22:25

Are playing a team game or watching a team.
Playing then it is in the team best interest to take team mates .
Watching a game well then he if cant get there he cant go .

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2019 22:26

Also, if you're the driver, it isn't just the cost you bear, it's the added responsibility- it's your job to work out when to set off, where to pick up, how to get to destination, how much time/petrol you need. Little things yes, but it's so so much easier just to get in someone else's car, chat to your mates, and hey presto, you're at your destination with zero effort.

Crystalintheeyes · 23/02/2019 22:40

He is a CF.

If they are not immediately close and he’s not even offering them any money and wants a lift every single weekend I’d be pissed off too.

It’s not only the extra petrol that adds up after months but how about their time too? They might not want to drive for an extra 10 mins either way plus maybe staying a bit later then original wanted as your partner doesn’t look ready to go.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 22:44

He's a player not going to watch, and he's key to the matches because of the position he plays. If he wasn't to turn up then the team would be at a big disadvantage, that's likely why somebody goes out of their way to take him.

I'm not sure what's been said behind the scenes I only know they're getting a bit sick of taking him because he came home last week saying they were being funny with him and refusing to drive him back. I gave my insight as to why that clearly was but it went in one ear and out of the other. I cringed when he told me today that he'd put a message in the group chat asking for another lift tomorrow.

He pays £30 per month to play as it is, so to spend a fiver on travel every weekend would take that up to £50 and we simply can't afford it. I had to give up my gym membership because we were tightening our belts, that's life isn't it.

If his participation depends on other people taking him there and back every week it's clear to me that it's not a sustainable hobby at the moment, but I'd be unreasonable to him for saying so because it's important to him.

OP posts: