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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 26/02/2019 07:18

Of you expect regular lifts and done offer anything in return, whether it's a free haircut, free plumbing service, buying the drinks or whatever then you are taking the piss. Running a car is expensive and a lot of people have to make sacrifices for it. Just because you have a car doesn't new mothers can take advantage.

caughtinanet · 26/02/2019 07:21

Hoppityfrog - it's no wonder your friends want lifts with you, your sunny personality must make you a delightful travel companion.

Notso · 26/02/2019 07:38

I think it’s just a Mumsnet thing. In real life, I have never met anyone who regards giving a lift as only one step below giving a kidney......
Grin

PengAly · 26/02/2019 07:44

@HoppityFrog3 you do seem really angry about this...are you ok? Or is this a sore spot for you?

Vulpine · 26/02/2019 07:47

Hoppityfrog seems like a laugh, direct maybe- angry? No

BertrandRussell · 26/02/2019 07:55

Oh,I think she is a bit angry, Vulpine? After all, she did call me a massive arrogant entitled princess and obtuse with severely bad comprehension skills. I haven’t been so insulted since I last said sonething feminist on Chat.Grin

cordeliavorkosigan · 26/02/2019 07:56

To get back to OP for a minute -- OP you don't mention DC. Sounds like this guy is on his last £ as are you, he can't really afford it, he won't listen to you for help with the social cues that he lacks, and he is perfectly fine with ruining the mood of your weekends over the fact that his teammates "are funny" about giving him lift after lift. This sounds like no fun at all.
It's really the last one that would make me think it's time to break up. It's totally unreasonable to ruin your weekend over it, especially more than once. I sometimes miss social cues too - I'd be mortified if I missed something like this and I would take steps to correct it asap. I wouldn't strop and sulk and ruin DP's weekend or the DC's.

HeyNannyNanny · 26/02/2019 08:03

Sorry if someone has already said this but ASD certainly makes it more difficult to read social cues, but it doesn't stop them from caring: that's just being a wanker.

My step dad is on the spectrum and he can't pick up on what is making people annoyed with him, but when it's explained to him objectively, he does what he can to fix it.
It doesn't sound like ASD is your partners issue, more arrogance and entitlement.
He is taking more than he is giving, end of.

LunafortJest · 26/02/2019 08:06

Well said HeyNannyNanny.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 08:09

ASD certainly makes it more difficult to read social cues, but it doesn't stop them from caring: that's just being a wanker.

Very true! OP has pointed out clearlybwhats going on but he doesn’t care!

Justanotheruser01 · 26/02/2019 08:22

Totally agree with the lift givers - i used to give a lift daily to a cf for about six months theni got married not even a card never an offer of fuel i used to go to the fuel station regular as a hint so i stopped.
Now I'm quite vocal about our car share scheme i just don't want the hassle of having to work to somebodies timescale when I work flex happy to give a one off my car is in the garage lift or oh carrie its raining really bad ill go out my way and drop you off but she always appreciates it and offers me a coffee the next day!,
It doesn't need to be much but is he even vocally appreciating it?

bellabasset · 26/02/2019 08:23

It was the cricket matches that used to be a real pain. Before I learned to drive dh would take one person and I would go with his gf later. What caused the problem was any non driver who had gone with them expecting lifts home.

After I learnt to drive we were at Dulwich and I was driving back home to Clapham Common when my dh said we had to take this guy with us. I knew he lived way past Paddington station and was well know for being a CF with lifts. I drove to Clapham South and he was absolutely gobsmacked I wasn't driving him home. I said he could book a taxi or tube. He learnt the lesson and by next season had his own car.(Can be well over an hour to Paddington by car)

Cricket is an extreme example because due to the length of matches and distances travelled they tend to end up as being a family get together at the end of the day, wives and gfs accompanied by dcs being very welcome as the drivers on the way home. So your DP needs to be more aware of putting people out. He should offer petrol money.

Notwiththeseknees · 26/02/2019 08:31

I cannot believe that a team- yes a team - would not be willing to do a roster so that the nearest members of that team could have a lift to an away match.

Unless it was for a reason. Maybe he is just not a very nice person to give a lift to? I always offer lifts, my friends offer lifts, we have regular places we go to & some (myself included) genuinely don't mind giving lifts. Some have more money than others, the givers don't expect contributions, but a genuine "thank you, I really appreciate the lift" goes a long, long way and to know that you are appreciated and you have helped someone is worth more than a coffee or a drink!

I think OP, your DP should have a chat with the manager/organiser/coach and see if they can help - if he doesn't turn up then the team can't play. Also, it can be pointed out If he doesn't have £5 for public transport, it is highly unlikely he can give £5 petrol money so the lift giver needs to be aware that he is not being mean, he has no money to spare. At that point, if there is a problem - he's a moaner/swearer/rude/unpleasant he can be at least told.

Whenever I read posts like this though, I am always left agog at how absolutely self-centred and downright vile some Mumsnetters are. It is almost as if as if some feel so inferior, they live expectantly that someone might ask a tiny favour so they can refuse as nastily as possible and feel superior - for about ten minutes.

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2019 09:06

Notwiththeseknees

I cannot believe that a team- yes a team - would not be willing to do a roster so that the nearest members of that team could have a lift to an away match.

What the fuck are you on about? It's not just "away" matches it's ALL matches even person his home ground. He knew he couldn't drive there when he signed up..and you are assuming the team members are close by otherwise why should they be responsible for getting a grown man to where he plays the sport he wanted to do?

CallMeSirShotsFired · 26/02/2019 09:11

I cannot believe that a team- yes a team - would not be willing to do a roster so that the nearest members of that team could have a lift to an away match.

How about the liftee takes the responsibility for organising it himself?

Notwiththeseknees · 26/02/2019 09:11

@Whisky2014 My bad! Thanks for the language. My point remains though.
You on the other hand.... car + 45ppm wow, get you so superior Grin

SaturdayNext · 26/02/2019 09:11

I cannot believe that a team- yes a team - would not be willing to do a roster so that the nearest members of that team could have a lift to an away match.

That assumes that every member of the team has a car, lives reasonably near to OP's house, and drives to the match every time. The reality may well be that only two or three people qualify. They're entitled to object to an assumption that they will always provide a lift, week after week.

Notwiththeseknees, a "tiny favour" would be offering a lift a couple of times, and I don't think anyone suggests that shouldn't happen. When it's an expectation every week for people who have to go out of their way, and when the passenger never offers anything whatsoever by way of reciprocation, can you not see that it's way out of the "tiny favour" category?

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2019 09:19

*Notwiththeseknees

@Whisky2014 My bad! Thanks for the language. My point remains though.
You on the other hand.... car + 45ppm wow, get you so superior grin*

The 45pp was in relation to the discussion about wear and tear...Confused

2 posts and 2 references re. Superior and inferior...I think someone has issues...

Whisky2014 · 26/02/2019 09:21

Imagine if none of them had a car...some team that would be!

Willow2017 · 26/02/2019 09:29

I cannot believe that a team- yes a team - would not be willing to do a roster so that the nearest members of that team could have a lift to an away match.

Oh ffs rtft.
Its EVERY WEEK

The team members dont even live nearby they are having to go somewhere else to pick him up.

He signed up.for a team he KNEW he couldnt get to by himself.

He waits till the last minute to guilt trip people into giving him a lift.

He doesnt offer petrol money for the inconvenience they are having.

He expects them to do it and moans if nobody wants to.

He expects op to pay for his transport even though she has had to give up her own hobby as they cannot afford any of them just now and sulks and spoils her weekend if she wont.

Yep sounds just like the good old guy everyone should be falling over to give freebies to!

CallMeSirShotsFired · 26/02/2019 09:35

You on the other hand.... car + 45ppm wow, get you so superior grin

Eh? It's an amount suggested by HMRC, not that pp. I get it as well, as do thousands of people who use private cars for company business.

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 09:59

@Willow2017

Good points, well made.

I can’t believe some people on here who speak like they are more than happy to offer unlimited lifts to people who expect them, who ask at the last minute, aren’t in any way grateful, don’t offer any sort of thanks or petrol money/drinks and who don’t actually live anywhere near to.

It makes me wonder where they draw the line!

CallMeSirShotsFired · 26/02/2019 10:05

Line? There is no ordinary line, this is a MN line Grin

Once they have given them the lift, they probably hand over the car as well. Then volunteer to pop round weekly to wash and vacuum it for them, along with cash for the MOT and servicing.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/02/2019 11:04

I live in London and have spent my entire adult life involved in team sports, mostly rugby. Before I 'retired' from playing I spent some 12 seasons with the same inner city club in SW London. About a third of our away fixtures could be reached via public transport and we would just arrange to meet at a certain time at the local tube station and make our way to the opposition ground together. The rest of our fixtures were scattered down the M3/A3 corridor, some as far away as Hampshire. As anyone who has played team sports knows the chances of an out of town sports ground being conveniently located next to a well serviced public transport route are very slim. It is of course possible to get there without a car but would often require a mixture of multiple trains, buses and a taxi and at least a few hours of journey time. Throw in South West Trains less then spectacular reliability for its weekend service there was always a high chance that half your team would not get to the kick off on time. The preferred option was to drive as at least you has some control over your own destiny. Being a London club most players did not have cars, I and a handful of others down the club did and we would offer lifts to our team mates. I am like Bertrand insofar as thinking why the hell wouldn't I offer lift? It seems spectacularly mean spirited and selfish to tell others to make their own way to a fixture while I had four empty seats in my car. We would meet at the ground and head off in a convoy of four or so cars. My club was about a 10-15 min drive away from my home, often in the opposite direction to where we were going to play. The general agreement was that you would get dropped off back at the home ground and people made their way home from there.

The frothing at the mouth by some on here that it is unheard of for people to offer lifts most weekends or that they are mugs and doormats just speaks volumes about them rather then the people offering lifts. I was always thanked by team mates and offered money for my trouble, only for longer trips did I take any fuel money or accept a pint down the pub later.

There also seems to be a spectacular lack of understanding here on the ethos that many sports clubs have. We help each other out, the club would not function without some element of goodwill. Like most clubs, my club had a whole mix of people as members from wealthy individuals through too piss poor students and unemployed. The latter were assisted in match fees and membership costs. When I was a spotty 19 year old playing my first 'senior' games for a club I did not attend post match beers at first because I could not afford to buy a round. One of the older players noticed this and asked why I was not sticking around post game and I embarrassingly told him that I was skint. He put his big arm around my shoulders and told me that this is not how the club worked and that he would look after me on the condition that when I was older and had some money in my back pocket I would pass on the gesture to other club members in need. That kind of altruistic attitude still prevails in a lot of clubs and I am glad for it.

If I ever told some large 20st prop that I could not give him a ride to a game because he was too heavy and would increase the wear and tear on my car, or that I was concerned about what music I could play, or started bitching about having to deviate 5 mins out of my way I would be rightly laughed at labelled a twat.

CallMeSirShotsFired · 26/02/2019 11:09

PanGalaticGargleBlaster I was always thanked by team mates and offered money for my trouble, only for longer trips did I take any fuel money or accept a pint down the pub later.

And once again, that is the difference between you, me and everyone on this thread who doesn't mind doing favours for people who appreciate it.

Unlike OP's partner who is a rude, entitled, unappreciative git. Would you be so accommodating if he simply expected you to go out of your way, each and every single week, with not so much as a single solitary "thank you" ever?