To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

[Februaryblooms]

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

I used to play for a rugby side and was one of a handful of players who had a car. Some of our away fixtures were miles away and to put it bluntly we would not have been able to field a full side if the drivers in the team did not offer lifts. I personally would have felt a bit selfish if I headed off to a fixture in an empty car on my own. The only time I got annoyed was when some team mates expected me to trek across town in the opposite direction to pick them up from their front doors rather then say meet me at a more convenient pick up point that was en route. Most people offered fuel money although I rarely accepted it the gesture was appreciated

I know PengAly would it be because he is not a 19 year old young woman, but a grown man in a relationship. Dh probably has Aspergers, and he can be very detatched and distant, and not giving with his emotions. He is also very set in his ways, and driving certain routes, different destinations, makes him very anxious. He sometimes does not get it with social cues and how to act socially sometimes.

Some people on this thread don't really get the whole playing for a team thing

This isn't about the team. This is about a man who expects lifts and feels entitled.

So im actually surprised he plays a team sport if I'm honest!

would it be because he is not a 19 year old young woman, but a grown man in a relationship.

This is exactly it but it doesn't make it right. Just because he is a grown man doesn't mean his mental health issues should be disregarded. If anything, it sounds like they have been disregarded for too long and he could really use some professional support. Mumsnet are so quick to dismiss him because he is a grown man but maybe people need to consider what he could be struggling with. Other adults with ASD tend to do better at reading situations because they had been receiving help and support throughout their lives, I honestly don't think that is the case with OPs partner.

@BertrandRussell "I think it’s just a Mumsnet thing. In real life, I have never met anyone who regards giving a lift as only one step below giving a kidney"

What is with the over-dramatising exaggerating? NO ONE is suggesting giving a lift is a step below giving a kidney, you are completely being unreasonable. What people are saying is that curtesy, politeness, etiquette goes a long way. It is simply polite manners in the same way please/thank you are said, to offer petrol money. That is basic etiquette and good manners. If you expect a lift, don't act grateful, don't even offer petrol money, then you were either raised in a barn or simply an ill-mannered and self-centred person who is socially awkward. And if you expect a lift, don't act grateful, don't even offer petrol money, you will piss people off and they won't want to help you.

@BertrandRussell
"I remember an insane thread where people were seriously saying that the coach of a children’s football team should go to away matches on the bus carrying all the kit needed rather than ask parents for a lift......"

I would seriously question why someone who doesn't have their own car (unusual in Australia, even in the city, everyone basically has a car, it is expected teens want to get their licence as soon as old enough, hence driver's ed in schools. It's an expectation), would volunteer for a job which they cannot get to (on their own), let alone knowing they have all the sports gear. Wtf, who does that? Pretty stupid. Why take a position where own transport is needed? FMD this is a stupid world! Either this site has a lot of CFs on it who just assume that someone will always be there, or the morals in the UK are stuffed. I would not be happy if my children's coach didn't even have something as basic as their own car to transport gear in. Doesn't give you much confidence in their abilities if they are that irresponsible and disorganised they don't even have a car to get there with the gear.

I would not be happy if my children's coach didn't even have something as basic as their own car to transport gear in. Doesn't give you much confidence in their abilities if they are that irresponsible and disorganised they don't even have a car to get there with the gear.

So I assume you know everything about this coach and his reasons for not driving or owning a car? I suppose the possibility of a medical condition which means he cannot drive didn't cross your mind nor his financial position? Way to be very judgmental towards someone who you don't even know. If someone doesn't drive then the reason is their own business. Yes, they should not expect lifts from anyone as that is cheeky and entitled but they also shouldn't be expected to be judged as harshly as you have just done.

zingally Your post says it all. These are things people who don't drive never stop to even think of, or consider. That it needs to be painstakingly explained and even then some still don't get it or rather refuse to get it, and that courtesy and manners also go a long way in society, it's very disturbing. It should not need to be spelled out like this. But apparently it does.

Oh ffs

Most people who coach kids teams are volunteers. They give up thier time and expertise for free week.in week out Its not a lot to ask parents to help out with transporting tbeir own kids gear to matches.
I know someone who coaches kids footie. Its not just a couple of hours on a sat. Its paperwork, meetings, training, fund raising, they organise end of season parties /prize giving all in thier own time. Its hours of work. Thier whole lives revolve around games and training. Its amazing anyone does it considering the entitlement of some parents.

You would need to be spectacularly selfish to grudge helping your own kids do thier hobby and expect someone else to do.it all for you.

@PengAly You speak as if those with ASD are dumb and incapable of learning. They are not. Of course they sometimes need it explained, but unless the person is severely intellectually disabled, they CAN finally learn and understand when explained to him. OP has explained to her DH. Hence he now knows, but chooses to ignore it. ASD doesn't mean unable to learn if explained, nor does it mean being selfish and rude.

It should not need to be spelled out like this. But apparently it does

Read the thread. He has ASD which means yes he does need it spelt out for him as he doesn't understand social cues the way NT people do. He also is probably not getting support he needs as he isn't understanding when the OP clearly explains it to him. Once again, you are making harsh judgments without understanding the situation.

@PengAly I have followed the thread for a few days. I saw the ASD mentioned at the start, days ago. AGAIN, it means nothing in the context that it has been explained to him and he still refuses to change. As someone who was diagnosed as most likely ASD, I really resent you insinuating that we can't learn, and cannot change. We are not intellectually disabled.

You speak as if those with ASD are dumb and incapable of learning. They are not.

No, I do not speak like that. If you read my post I referenced the poster a few weeks ago who had autism and had a similar issue. The difference with the other thread was the 19 year old female had been given support throughout her life and was more understanding of social cues. I'm suggesting that if OPs partner doesn't understand why his team don't want to give him lifts than maybe she should consider if he could benefit from any support. Please do not accuse me of saying things that I did not say.

AGAIN, it means nothing in the context that it has been explained to him and he still refuses to change. As someone who was diagnosed as most likely ASD, I really resent you insinuating that we can't learn, and cannot change. We are not intellectually disabled.

Oh my gosh- read my posts properly! I never insinuated this. Good god, I suggested that there may be reasons the OPs partner is not understanding and maybe he could use some additional support. Stop getting so defensive. I never once insulted anyone with ASD. That is you putting words in my mouth.

@pengAly You seem to have issues understanding concepts yourself. I remember that thread, and I even commented on it. The DIFFERENCE is that the woman 1) Offered petrol money 2) bought her friend a drink and other things 3) repeatedly thanked her friend and showed gratitude.

That....is.....the.....difference. The two cannot be compared. Only if OP's DH 1) offered petrol money 2) bought his team mate a drink or something and 3) repeatedly thanked his team mate and showed gratitude, only then, could they even remotely be in the same country, let alone town, let alone ball park.

That....is.....the.....difference. The two cannot be compared. Only if OP's DH 1) offered petrol money 2) bought his team mate a drink or something and 3) repeatedly thanked his team mate and showed gratitude, only then, could they even remotely be in the same country, let alone town, let alone ball park.

I am literally saying the same thing as you...that's my point. There are differences and its possibly because the OP from that thread had more support for her autism than the OPs partner has ever had. Do you realise not everyone with ASD is have the same level of understanding of things right? It varies from person to person...

@PengAly "I suppose the possibility of a medical condition which means he cannot drive didn't cross your mind nor his financial position?"
Why do you you seem fond of throwing up false comparisons and suppositions? If he had a medical condition which means he cannot drive, he wouldn't be oked to be a coach.

PengAly is derailing the thread I to some big mental health, asd fiasco. Not actually contributing anything about the lifts issue.

“ If he had a medical condition which means he cannot drive, he wouldn't be oked to be a coach.”

What utter, utter bollocks.

@PengAly But you are not saying the same thing. On the contrary. Support has nothing to do with it. Someone with ASD can understand once it has been explained to them. Those on the severe end (and thus unlikely to probably be in a relationship or socialise) may not. But not someone HF enough to be married, hold down a job full time, be on a team. That indicates they are HF and thus can learn once explained to him.

BertrandRussellb it is not bollocks at all. It is common sense.

If he had a medical condition which means he cannot drive, he wouldn't be oked to be a coach.

you really think that is true?? That somebody couldn't coach if they had a medical condition that didn't allow them to drive? You do realise that many people can work full or part time jobs but not be able to drive. Coaching can be done from a seated position if needed.

Why do you you seem fond of throwing up false comparisons and suppositions

And I am not fond of this. I am simply pointing out that you do not know someone's full story so it isn't fair to judge. I also said it could be financial related. Also you say its false but how do you know it isn't the case?

Not actually contributing anything about the lifts issue.

I actually did contribute to the lifts issue if you read through my posts. I suggested OP get to the root of why he isn't understanding it. I also agreed that it is entitled to expect them.