To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

[Februaryblooms]

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

Nope, not just a MN thing, either.

Think you might find it is. Nobody I know behaves like this.

If peole are reluctant to give him lifts then he needs to address the reasons why. Quite simply he needs to get to a pick up point convenient to them, contribute towards costs and coffee/pint afterwards as thanks.

It's not 'one step below giving a kidney' but if its a one way street, and always unreciprocated, its most annoying, especially working with colleagues who don't drive. Just get some driving lessons.

I remember an insane thread where people were seriously saying that the coach of a children’s football team should go to away matches on the bus carrying all the kit needed rather than ask parents for a lift......

I drive. I don't particularly enjoy it, and i don't like having passengers - I get 'performance anxiety' I think it's called. But I will give mates lifts if they need it.

The key here is 'mates' and 'need'. If it's only going to cost him 5 quid return then he doesn't 'need' a lift. He should be offering a fiver to the driver anyway! Anything less is like leaving a 20p tip, it's just rude.

Also, it sounds like his entitled expectation of a lift every time means he's pissed everyone off - they probably aren't that keen on him, I wouldn't be giving lifts, for free, to someone that winds me up. Why would I want to do them a favour and be in forced proximity to them?!

Messaging the night before is out of order too. He presumably has noticed he doesn't drive? Doesnt have amnesia? Why is he only realising the day before that he can't get there? (except he can if he shells out a fiver) it's bloody rude to ask at the last minute.

Bertrand, you keep fixating on the wear and tear issue but ignore the other points that people are validly making, which speaks volumes in itself. Look at Whisky2014's post, for instance. Why do you contend she's wrong?

Did op actually say her dh has Autism, it certain seems like he has great difficulty ready social cues, and those subtle vibes from his team mates. Maybe they need to be more explicit with him, and tell him firmly that they are fed up of giving him lifts and that he is to get there himself. Let him sulk, he needs to work it out for himself, do not help him, he is a grown adult!

Why is taking lifts a heinous crime?

It isn't. What is socially wrong is to expect them week after week without offering so much as a penny for petrol costs.

It isen't a heinous crime, providing both lift giver and lift receiver are ok, which they are not, and that is where the problem is. If teammates were happy with it, there would not be a problem, but they are fed up.

Think you might find it is. Nobody I know behaves like this.

That's nice. I'm not a bot, live in the real world, don't know anyone who gives lifts over and over to some cunt who is rude and doesn't offer money, waits till last minute to ask, expects it. Nope, they eventually run out of patience with people like this and stop giving the lifts.

'Just get some driving lessons.'

Or make your own way there instead of expecting to be ferried around by an unpaid taxi.

@Saturday, yes that’s the issue, isn’t it? A bit different to all this umbrage about the very principle of lifts.

I have given .plenty of lifts when needed and have car shared to go to training days too but always offered petrol money left it in car when refused as i know the costs of running a car

Its not the lift giving its the fact op has said they dont even live nearby but have to arrange somewhere to pick him up.
If someone did that to me i would be pissed off having to then possibly alter my plans with family to accomodate picking someone up/dropping them off but after a week or so of this i just wouldnt be doing it tbh
What if family wanted to go with the other guys?? What if they wanted to go somewhere after but this guy is whining on guilt tripping people for free lifts? Not a way to make people want to give you a lift anyway.
Its the last minute blackmail he is doing every damm week thats probably pissing people off.

Asking and offering petrol money is one thing, just appearing in group chat at the last minute and just expecting people to jump to your rescue when you tell them to is another.

And judging by the things op has said about him i bet he doesnt show the slightest bit of gratitude to anyone. I am sure his team mates are sick to the back teeth of being free taxis every week. Car sharing is one thing but being expected to be at someones beck amd call every week is quite another.

If he could actually offer some petrol money, I don't think people would be so annoyed, but he's obviously not doing this so yes very unreasonable

“Look at Whisky2014's post, for instance. Why do you contend she's wrong?”

There is a huge difference between going an hour out of your way to collect sonebody’s dog and giving a team mate a lift from a convenient pick up place to a match you are both playing in!!!!!

Also echoing, "not really your problem OP".

Speaking as a driver, when getting asked for lifts, it's also the brain space that person takes up. It's no longer "I've got to get myself to the grounds at 10:30, so I need to leave home at 10:15."
When giving lifts it turns into "I've got to get myself AND Johnny to the ground at 10:30... I need to pick Johnny up from the High Street by 10:20 in that case... I'll need to tell him what time to be there... Is his number in my phone? Where do I need him to stand? Outside HSBC? Okay. What side of the road is that? What route do I need to take to get down the left side of the High Street? So, I'll need to leave mine at 9:50. I hope Johnny won't want to stay on for drinks after training...? I'm pretty tired. Oh and I promised the wife I'd collect that package from the sorting office. I'll have to tell Johnny I need to detour on the way home..." And so on and so on.
Taking on responsibility for someone else, who never seems grateful, is a lot of work!

OP this is actually a good problem because it doesn't affect you in any way. Not even embarrassment, as the rest of the team aren't your friends or even acquaintances by the sounds of it. It's the ultimate "not my problem" situation. Forget trying to convince him to stop asking or convince his team mates to organise a roster for lifts or whatever. So the only problem is stopping the complaining. I suggest going out that day, ignoring him or maybe wearing ear plugs.

And Bertrand OP already said that the team mates live no where near them and the lifts are inconvenient.

from a convenient pick up place to a match you are both playing in!!!!! Where are you getting that it's convenient for the lift givers? She said they tell him to go somewhere more convenient than beung picked up from where they live but that doesn't mean it's actually convenient!! Jeez

Did op actually say her dh has Autism, it certain seems like he has great difficulty ready social cues, and those subtle vibes from his team mates.

Yes, OP did say this and most the PPs have chosen to ignore this big detail. Ironic really, considering on Mumsnet if a child misbehaves, shouts or causes any kind of disruption or annoyance to anyone else BUT they have autism they are given a "free pass" however in the case of the OPs DH there is virtually NO understanding on this thread about the fact that he has ASD so that in itself is likely to be causing him to act this way as he isn't reading social cues and not understanding the situation. Yet, Mumsnetters resort to insulting him.
Had people actually not ignored that aspect than I think the responses would have been different. OP, you should really consider how to explain the full situation to him in a way he understands and maybe if he isn't already, he could look into getting some help and support for his ASD.I agree, it is very cheeky and rude of him to be expecting lifts that are out of the way but I can understand why this is happening if he has ASD.

PengAly my dd 11 has ASd and learning difficulties. There was a similar thread on here a couple of weeks ago from a young lady who has ASD, who asked her friend to give her a lift to the job interview and friends mum was really nasty and abusive to her, as she felt that op was taking advantage of her. Most of the posters were very supportive.

Op has sat down and explained to her dh, and he has ignored it or chosen not to take op advice regarding lifts. I would just stay out of it, and let him figure it out himself when nobody volunteers to give him lifts and he is stuck at home. They might find somebody to fill her dh position who can get to matches easily.

For those holy souls who are better than us who can't see the issue....

It isn't just "a lift", is it.

It is an last-minute-passive expectation that someone else will sort out their problem, week in, week out for not so much a word of thanks, let alone any payment (in £ or in kind) which means the whole thing has to be arranged around that selfish person.

If it was me, I'd start making that day every week the one where I had full carloads of stuff / pre and post errands to run / where I was coming directly/going directly to another location.

With the team I am on, there is an understanding that we all work together to give lifts to those who need them. BUT we expect the recipients to show gratitude, stump up some petrol money, offer to pay for the parking, and do everything in their power to reduce inconvenience to the driver. They occasionally offer to buy the driver a drink. Sometimes the driver will turn down the offer of petrol money, or will insist on driving round to the other side of town to pick the person up from their house, but that is never expected.

I mostly stopped giving a lift to one person simply because he behaved like your OH. I started resenting him because he didn't display any outward signs of gratitude. The straw which broke the camel's back was the time when it took me an extra 1.5 hours to deliver him home late at night because of the driving snow, really stressful driving, and I didn't even get a thank you. It did occur to me that this may have been unfair of me - his social skills were lacking - but his behaviour just didn't make me want to help him. Now I give him a lift only if there is absolutely no other way for him to get to the match. And I won't take him to one-off individual events at all, even if it's on my way.

It's sad, because he'd have been okay if only he had memorised and practiced a collection of useful statements such as, "Thank you SO much for the lift! I really appreciate it. You must be tired and I know it took you out of your way. It was very kind of you."

I didn't ignore it, but I didn't mention it either. OP says she has explained to him explicitly that he's wrong to expect lifts and he's pissing his team mates off. Not sure what else can be done in terms of him missing social cues.

My point is yes, team mates are probably pissed off, and understandably so. HIBU.

Aeroflotgirl Yes, I saw that tread too. The OP was very understanding and even said they had been grateful ect. However, posters were very kind and understanding with her because she had ASD. Nobody on this thread has shown any level of understand for the OP's partner. Of course she has explained it but he is obviously not understanding which indicates that maybe he needs further professional support for his ASD. Saying he is "stubborn" and "set in his way" is frustrating but shouldn't this be looked at further than dismissed?