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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say if he can't get himself there then he can't rely on others for lifts?

296 replies

Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 20:51

Me and my DP are non drivers, we live in a busy city where it's easier to use public transport to get to work etc. I manage just fine without ever having asked anybody for a lift. He works down the road from where we are so rarely needs to use public transport himself.

He is in a team who play every weekend, the home ground (and other grounds where they play) are all a considerable distance away and he relies on team mates giving him a lift to get there and back (or part of the way back) every weekend.

They've started to begrudge this and I don't blame them, but then he moans and thinks they're being unreasonable and difficult.

He waits until the day before a game and puts a request in the group chat for a lift, then waits to see if anybody volunteers to take him on the morning of the game.

A lift is looking unlikely for the morning so he's in a huff, as a last resort I've said he can use my contactless bank card to get there but I'm doing so through gritted teeth because I've budgeted down to the last few quid (it'll cost about a fiver to get there and back - but that's coming out of an already tight food budget)

He doesn't have the money to buy his own travel card for another week as his wages are gone as soon as he gets them, he pays the rent and loan repayment, then I buy food gas/electric and we live off my small income which sees us through. We don't have much if any disposable at the end of it, but we have everything we need and don't go without necessities. Money is tight, regardless.

WIBU to tell him he can't rely on other people to give him a lift, and if he doesn't want to cycle for miles every weekend (after working long shifts) he'll just have to find a new hobby?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 23/02/2019 22:46

Does he also get his team mates to pay his match subs for him? Who paid for his kit?

(I'm assuming things haven't changed that much since the 90s, which was when I last played local club sport, and that he plays for a local side which has no sponsorship.)

At any rate, I'd simply be saying "No sorry darling, I can't lend you my bank card because we can't afford it" and then just keep repeating "We can't afford it, sorry" until he dies of boredom and sulks off.

Then you post another thread on MN titled "He's sulking because I wouldn't take bread out of our children's mouths so he could play football/rugby/hockey" and we all advise you on the best way to LTB.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2019 22:48

He is an entitled CF, and has to give up if he can't afford it, like you sacrificed yiur gym membership.

Zwischenwasser · 23/02/2019 22:49

He’s being a dick.

I play on a team, and our squad have a few members who can’t drive.

If it’s local they cycle, and if not they lift share but chip in. We have a kind of social lift sharing arrangement anyway, as it’s more fun to travel with But the non drivers always contribute in other ways. Plus we are a small team, and if the non drivers couldn’t get there we wouldn’t have enough for a game.

Perhaps he needs to find a team more,desperate for players.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 23/02/2019 22:56

I've suggested he find a team closer to home to join but he won't hear of it. He's too stuck in his ways and gotten too comfortable relying on lift so sooner or later he'll end up not playing at all because he won't compromise. I don't know what I hoped to achieve by posting to be fair, I've just gotten so bored of hearing about it I dread Sundays and needed a rant Grin

He doesn't socialise with the team much outside of matches bar the very odd occasion, so it's not as though he's that close to any of them. He's a lovely person deep down (believe it or not) but his sense of entitlement with this particular thing absolutely stinks.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/02/2019 23:08

Oh god, then he will have to give up, as the team are getting fed up.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/02/2019 23:08

Goalie?

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'll bet the other members of the team have a separate whatsapp chat going on without him.

So, he can't afford £50 a month for this team, but he's happy that that's what the drivers pay (if not more)?

Here's what I would do. Not give him the money. Tell him why. Ignore any sulks by going out every time it starts.

CheshireChat · 24/02/2019 00:49

Februaryblooms I've actually sorta banned DP from nagging about certain subjects as he was exasperating me.

I suggest you do the same- basically tell him you don't have a magic solution for him so to please stop hassling you.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 01:12

He has ASD - it’s hardly surprising he’s not picking up on the social clues. You must know by now how to explain this to him in a way that will make him either understand or at least accept this last minute asking/expecting isn’t ok.

Explain that something organised needs to be put in place - make some suggestions such as asking the coach/manager to see if there are any of the guys who would be willing to be rostered on give him a lift and where he would need to walk to, to get picked up.

Help as much as you can, but if he won’t help himself tell him the ‘rule’ is that YOU don’t want to hear about it.

Leeds2 · 24/02/2019 01:21

Explain that, from next week, you will not be funding his travel to/any expenses relating to his hobby, as you cannot afford to. And then don't! No matter how much he sulks!
If he wants to try and arrange lifts, let him crack on with it. If I were a team mate driving out of my way to pick him up, and he didn't at least offer a contribution towards petrol and/or a drink in the clubhouse afterwards, I would probably not offer any future pick ups. Nor will his teammates, as I suspect he is finding!
Tell him once what is happening, and then leave it to him to work out for himself.

ChesterGreySideboard · 24/02/2019 01:38

Tell him he can’t have your card as you are off to spend £5 meeting a friend for coffee.
If he hasn’t budgeted for it then tough shit.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/02/2019 01:55

So go out on Sunday, do your own thing and avoid the moany fucker.

Any idiot knows you offer petrol money. He has the money, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he needs to work out for himself what to do from there - quit that team,, play less often, or come to some mutually beneficial agreement with a liftgiver.

Not your problem. Don't let it become so, in any way.

He sounds like the kind of tightarse who refuses to tip in restaurants.

BigChocFrenzy · 24/02/2019 01:57

Don't give him your card, or he'll expect it every time
That brings his hobby to over 50 quid monthly

If you had to give up your gym membership because of the cost, then it sounds like you can't afford his hobby either

Graphista · 24/02/2019 02:06

Are you the poster in a tiny, expensive 1 bed flat, pregnant with second and partner refusing to move? Part of why he wouldn't move being his footy hobby.

The comment about you giving up gym membership also sounds familiar

On this particular issue its HIS responsibility to arrange AND PAY FOR transport to his hobby and if that can't be afforded he has to quit or at least find a club nearer.

He's an entitled selfish arse on this at least and if you are the poster I'm thinking of there are FAR bigger problems than this and he's not "nice deep down" either,

junebirthdaygirl · 24/02/2019 02:09

I agree with lncredibly sad here. We cannot lose sight of the fact he has ASD and consequently this may be a trying situation for him. Often people with those traits like rules so could you make a rule that he must have lift sorted by, say Tues every week?. Unfortunately his lack of social know how is probably part of the reason they are not giving him lifts. If he was all laughs and very sociable he probably would have plenty of lifts. My ds constantly picks up and drops lads and seems to have no difficulty with that but they all have this banter going which adds to the fun of being in a team. He may lack that. I feel a bit sorry for him. Any way he could do a bit of overtime to cover the cost of 50 a month ?. Its important for mental health being in a team so l would do as much as l could to facilitate it.
Cut him some slack people . He may have a disability in this area and need support.

MidniteScribbler · 24/02/2019 22:09

Honestly OP, you really need to consider if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life.

Rezie · 24/02/2019 23:12

I don't have a car and I make sure I don't ask for rides. On the rare occasion I ask for one I make sure I show up to a convenient location on time (walking, bus, tube, cycling) and have some coins to pay for the driver. That's the only ok way to do it. I'd love to join to my old football club but it's inconvenient with public transportation. Buying a car to get to football 3 x week does not really seem too smart. I know majority of the team lives closeish but I cannot base my hobbies on other people getting me there.

Guys like him give us non car owners a bad name. I cannot blame his mates. I have no advice except that he need to somehow get it. He need sit budget the travel. He needs to pay a few quid. He needs it go to someone's house that can give him a ride. No idea how to make him understand.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 25/02/2019 05:25

What happened OP?

WhiteDust · 25/02/2019 05:53

£5 isn't a lot. He needs to cut down ever so slightly elsewhere.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 06:01

I do think this attitude to lifts is bizarre. If it’s not out of your way, and you’ve got a seat in your car why on earth would you mind taking someone- particularly a team mate- to the place you’re going anyway? Particularly if there’s a whole team going so nobody has to do it every match? It’s not as if it wears the car out or anything! And it’s good for the planet- the team should be car pooling anyway.

Birdie6 · 25/02/2019 06:09

I'd be telling him to buy a bicycle or a moped. As a driver myself, I'd say there is nothing worse than people who expect lifts all the time.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 06:12

“As a driver myself, I'd say there is nothing worse than people who expect lifts all the time.”

So you’d rather drive an empty car than give a lift from a place convenient to you to a place you’re going to anyway?

TheNavigator · 25/02/2019 06:19

OP, reading between the lines, I suspect not only does he not offer money, he probably may not even say thank you! He seems to expect the lifts and not see it as a favour - do you think he expresses any gratitude to the lift giver? We all know people like your DP - they take favours as their due and it never even occurs to them to be grateful - then they don't understand why they cheese people off.

I wonder what sort of message he puts up asking for a lift?

EthelFechan · 25/02/2019 06:42

Agree with Bert.

Also, think it's a bit grim that someone who works full time can't enjoy an inexpensive sport. Is the loan repayment huge? When will it be paid off?

SaturdayNext · 25/02/2019 06:47

Bertrand, no-one minds giving lifts occasionally. However, when you're the one bearing all the expenses of running the car and someone else is blatantly saving themselves money by regularly cadging lifts off you whilst never offering anything towards petrol costs, there comes a point when it really is taking the piss. Realistically, there always is a downside; if you're a person who likes your own space, your own choice of music on the radio, and being able to choose the timing of journeys without factoring someone else in, it becomes a pain. And there will always be a cost, albeit small, because the extra weight means more petrol is used and there is a degree of wear and tear on the car.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2019 06:57

“And there will always be a cost, albeit small, because the extra weight means more petrol is used and there is a degree of wear and tear on the car.”

Oh, come on!!!!!