DP called me a 'fucking liar'

[username900]

Been really unwell for about 9 days.
Day 1 - Took the morning off work to have an urgent doctors appointment about being so ill but forced myself into work
Day 2 - Off work, unwell and in pain
Day 3 - Forced myself into work again but spent the day having to take myself off to cry because I felt horrific
Day 4 - Up at A&E in the morn, spent the rest of the day crying in bed I felt so awful
Day 5 - Urgent blood tests, bedridden again
Day 6 & 7 - Feeling slightly better. Moderate pain but managed. Tried to stay in bed so I could rest in hope to get to work this week.
Day 8 - Got hit with norovirus bug.
Day 9 (today) - feeling slightly better but still dealing with norovirus.

I've honestly felt horrific.
DP has been good in terms of keeping our toddler occupied, getting him to and from nursery etc, but the place is a tip, no clean washing, and I've had to pester him to get shopping.

I gave him a little lecture this morning. DP is supposed to be taking DS out and I told him that DS had no clothes and explained that when I'm so ill, he really should've been making sure DS at least had clean clothes to go to nursery or out in.
He went absolutely crazy, said

• I shouldn't have left it 10 days to say anything (I've made comments about how DS has no clothes until I've had to go and put them in the machine myself)
• About how there was a time I was lazy and didn't do it and he had to sort it all (true, but it was the few weeks before this illness and I was fatigued and I was putting it down to that)

He then went on about how I was well enough (on day 6&7) to do it so should've been getting off my ass to do it. He started going on about how I've been 'milking' the illness, how I've been well enough to do a shop run and do washing and I'm just trying to make out that it was than it actually was (because he saw me walking round the flat and playing with DS sometimes?) DM then rang in the middle of this rant from him that I'm putting it on, she asked how my norovirus was getting on and I replied 'still bad' (as I've already been up&down to the bathroom this morning) and he laughed and scoffed 'still bad' and then walked off and muttered under his breath (toddler DS was with me), 'what a fucking liar'.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I?

Sorry - this is a bit more long winded than I'd hoped it'd be!

YANBU at all, that’s shocking.

It all sounds very intense and dramatic - but if you time to write a post of this depth, go shopping, go to work, paly then you've time to shove a load of washing on. It isnt competition, who can do most. You (you being plural and singular) do what has to be done.

Who knows? we only have your side of the story and not his side. And the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

YABU. Stop milking it and get on with things.

My point to him was that I am always the one doing the washing and shopping - and when I've been feeling pretty horrific, even if I was technically able to do it, then he shouldn't have minded picking up the slack for me anyway when I felt crap.

Well its not great to be calling each other names but I do slightly see his point. If your unwell you shouldn't be martyring yourself going to work and doing household chores and then get cross at him because you are too unwell to be doing these jobs. If you had just said to him can you chuck some washing on earlier in the week whilst you were resting then there wouldn't have been a need to 'give him a little lecture'. It seems very patronising and he sound frustrated that you cannot make your mind up how ill you are.

On a separate note did they find out what was causing you to feel unwell?

To be fair, I’m not inclined to say he’s wrong, but he was insensitive to call you a fucking liar. If you can write a post in that detail, pop to the shops and play with a toddler you’re not on deaths door and sound quite dramatic. Sorry OP. I would say he’s just fed up.

Of course you aren't being U. Why does an adult, and a parent, need to be told that washing needs doing and that his kid needs clothes and food?

If your norovirus was still bad you'd be vomiting, not arguing???

I don't know how much time each of you is spending at work and doing other things, but even when ill it's not hard to get laundry done if you have a machine in the house and really shouldn't wait until DS has run out of clothes.

As a PP said, we only have your side of the story and I think your DH's side would sound rather different. Even in your side, there are days worth of time when you're fine as well as possibly 3 different illnesses somehow in a short period. Do you think you might have depression rather than a physical illness?

@HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone glandular fever.

@Fabaunt I haven't popped to the shops and I've felt really guilty because I havent been playing with our DS so I don't know where the playing part came from.

I can see both points. You were trying to be a matyr by going to work, and doing chores. The you proceed to lecture him about xyz so I can understand why he’s thinking your being a bit dishonest about your illness. Calling you a liar is just in retaliation to you lecturing him - why not have a conversation. He’s not your son to lecture. When I was quite ill - I die t get out of bed unless it was to the loo - you sound like you can do a lot more so perhaps that’s why he’s questioning it?

Hope you get better soon.

Obviously he is out of order saying that. But you don't sound QUITE as ill as you want people to think you are sorry OP.

Hope things are OK soon, and you feel better soon.

Sorry you are unwell. The cracks are showing because this has been super hard on both of you - its not easy just to pick up everything seamlessly when your partner is ill, there’s a reason it usually takes two, and criticism and sniping at each other is not going to help.

Why are posters saying OP could have done some laundry and not questioning why the other adult in the house, who isn't ill, didn't do it? Why is OP is default?

We only also have your side of the story - your husbands side will be very different I’m sure so we can I just advise on what you’ve told us.....

@NCjustforthisthread I haven't been doing any chores - I forced myself into work for a day last week and had to go and get blood tests but otherwise just up and down to the bathroom! I haven't even showered in a week!

Also agree that if you had norovirus 'hit' you yesterday, you wouldn't be able to get out of bed, let alone construct a lengthy detailed post on an internet forum.

Sounds like you’ve been unlucky to be hit by several illnesses. I don’t think you’re milking it. He shouldn’t need to be told that washing/shopping/cooking is required. Your lecture sounds a bit annoying, but if he’d acted as a grown up it wouldn’t have been required.

He started going on about how I've been 'milking' the illness, how I've been well enough to do a shop run and do washing and I'm just trying to make out that it was than it actually was (because he saw me walking round the flat and playing with DS sometimes?)

You said you'd been shopping and playing with the toddler ?

TBH if you had the Norovirus you wouldnt be coherant - let alone waxying lyrical on an internet forum about perceived rights and wrongs of a load of washing.

I see the nasty twats are out in force again today.

No wonder so many men see all the household stuff as women's work, it appears many women do too.

I definitely don't think I'm being dramatic- I'm never ill usually, I power through everything, I feel like the glandular fever and now the norovirus has floored me. The norovirus is better today, granted (I'm not vomiting much anymore but the... other end? is still bad).
I think everyone saying a conversation instead of a lecture would've been better but I was just trying to get my point across and was slightly irritated that he's done no household jobs over the past week apart from a trip to the local corner shop!

Absolutely MaxNormal.

Yanbu in that he shouldn't have called you that of course

Also yes a parent should be able and willing to pick up the slack

However people who "mention " things then get pissed off when they haven't just asked outright are ridiculous...if you want it done just ask it's not rocket science

Also if my dp "gave me a little lecture" I would be asking who in the actual hell did he think he was to speak to me like a child

If I'm honest I had a dm like you in that she would "power through " but only on the condition we all recognized publicly and loudly how terribly brave she was and of course did everything the way she imagined it and wanted it whilst reading her mind

So if I'm honest technically you are correct but I'd lay money you have been a passive aggressive nightmare

Let me guess do you sigh loudly and then announce you are fine it's ok?