DP called me a 'fucking liar'

[username900]

Been really unwell for about 9 days.
Day 1 - Took the morning off work to have an urgent doctors appointment about being so ill but forced myself into work
Day 2 - Off work, unwell and in pain
Day 3 - Forced myself into work again but spent the day having to take myself off to cry because I felt horrific
Day 4 - Up at A&E in the morn, spent the rest of the day crying in bed I felt so awful
Day 5 - Urgent blood tests, bedridden again
Day 6 & 7 - Feeling slightly better. Moderate pain but managed. Tried to stay in bed so I could rest in hope to get to work this week.
Day 8 - Got hit with norovirus bug.
Day 9 (today) - feeling slightly better but still dealing with norovirus.

I've honestly felt horrific.
DP has been good in terms of keeping our toddler occupied, getting him to and from nursery etc, but the place is a tip, no clean washing, and I've had to pester him to get shopping.

I gave him a little lecture this morning. DP is supposed to be taking DS out and I told him that DS had no clothes and explained that when I'm so ill, he really should've been making sure DS at least had clean clothes to go to nursery or out in.
He went absolutely crazy, said

• I shouldn't have left it 10 days to say anything (I've made comments about how DS has no clothes until I've had to go and put them in the machine myself)
• About how there was a time I was lazy and didn't do it and he had to sort it all (true, but it was the few weeks before this illness and I was fatigued and I was putting it down to that)

He then went on about how I was well enough (on day 6&7) to do it so should've been getting off my ass to do it. He started going on about how I've been 'milking' the illness, how I've been well enough to do a shop run and do washing and I'm just trying to make out that it was than it actually was (because he saw me walking round the flat and playing with DS sometimes?) DM then rang in the middle of this rant from him that I'm putting it on, she asked how my norovirus was getting on and I replied 'still bad' (as I've already been up&down to the bathroom this morning) and he laughed and scoffed 'still bad' and then walked off and muttered under his breath (toddler DS was with me), 'what a fucking liar'.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I?

Sorry - this is a bit more long winded than I'd hoped it'd be!

darling that’s the whole point though, he isnt doing any of it! She needs a short term solution, and then when she is better she can discuss with dh what an absolute let down and total shit he has been. She can’t force him to do it, so get a plan B in place and then have it out with him when she is stronger.

Floof
From Op's first post.
*He went absolutely crazy, said

• I shouldn't have left it 10 days to say anything (I've made comments about how DS has no clothes until I've had to go and put them in the machine myself)*

So she did tell him. He just didn't listen (probably interpreted it as 'nagging') and decided to frame it as her not telling him.

I also presume he's the one one getting his kid dressed in the morning. At that point he should see the clothes running low.

It's good how when you were lazy weeks before you got ill it's still because you were going to be ill some weeks later and he said nothing

When he doesn't get certain things done it's because he's inconsiderate and you think it's appropriate to lecture him

@FloofenHoofen

He isn't going to know she wanted it done sooner unless she told him sooner

Christ. It's washing and shopping, she doesn't "want it done", it needs fucking doing and there are two adults in this house perfectly capable of observing this fact, and of noting that one of the adults is puking their guts up/crapping through the eye of a needle on top of glandular fever so probably isn't going to get it done! She's not his fucking mum, she's not his fucking boss, she's his life partner and co-parent. Shoe should be able to expect him to pull his finger out without being told. And when she does eventually believe the evidence of her eyes that he does need telling, to be a bit peeved about it. And to be able to say so without getting the top of her head taken off with swearing and shouting.

Ask your friends or parents to leave some shopping at the door

If a friend called and asked for some shopping, whilst she had an able bodied, non working partner in full health... I’d be like what the fuck?

Men can shop cook and clean you know.

He sounds like a lazy deadbeat father and deadbeat partner. Any research on Glandular Fever, even a search of google hits, shows that it takes WEEKS to recover from. Maybe you should print out some info for him to read, he clearly does not understand at all.

Why is everyone on here making out like men are helpless and need to be told step by step everything? FFS, that is how men get away with doing eff all housework. Women just assume the man is useless and tell other women they need to tell the partner. A person - man or woman - should be composis mentis enough and possess the reasoning skills above a goldfish to notice that clothes are piling up. That is basic human reasoning. He should not need to be told. He is not very observant or aware of his surroundings if he cannot deduce something so bloody basic. My father when my mother was sick (frequently with chronic asthma and bronchitis) would always ask what needed to be done, he fed me, put washing on etc. He was a council worker and digging ditches, so he wasn't a great brain, but he possessed some basic common sense. Your 'd'P does not seem to have paternal instincts, nor is able to handle responsibility. That you are very clearly unwell, and surely he can SEE that, and he mocks you and calls you a fucking liar, shows he is nasty and aggressive. He shows little respect for you and is very selfish, clearly used to doing as little as he can. Good thing you aren't married because he could never say "in sickness and in health" without tripping over the line. A relationship is supposed to be a partnership. Sometimes give, sometimes take. There will be times one of you needs to give more than the other, your 'd'partner does not seem to grasp this concept. What a thoroughly unpleasant man. He really needs to be told to grow up and start helping and stop being so self-absorbed. He is a father now. Unfortunately.

YANBU - the point is that you are not well and he should be sympathetic and understanding. Playing with your DS doesn't mean you are well, if anything when I am not well playing with my DS makes me feel good better in myself. Also just because you always do the shopping and washing, doesn't mean it is your responsibility. He needs to get off his backside and help. Take this as a lesson, even when you are well now, make sure he contributes with the house chores! Hope you feel better soon x

If my dp ever called me a fucking liar or fucking anything, then I would seriously be thinking of divorce.

Op you have just found out you have a dead weight of a husband. You are not the first.
This is not the moment to have it out with him, I suspect you are too ill for that.
Get some extra help or some kind, and when this is over you need a serious discussion about what has happened. It is not acceptable to be incapable of doing the washing or food shop. Nor calling you offensive names.

Get through this and then deal with him. YADNU to expect support when you are ill.

If were a single parent I am assuming you would pack your ds off to his dad and have time to get well.

And if he doesn't automatically know what needs doing, he should be asking what else needs doing.

@MQv2 "It's good how when you were lazy weeks before you got ill it's still because you were going to be ill some weeks later and he said nothing"

GF takes from 3 to 6 weeks incubation before it shows, so clearly there was no 'laziness' from the OP, as she was weak and tired, but didn't know she was or why.

He isn't going to know she wanted it done sooner unless she told him sooner.

Why doesn't he know that the laundry in the pile needs doing, or that his child needs clean clothes, unless OP tells him?

Why did you reregister and post about this again?

@LunafortJest and just to note that I found it really unfair how much he was calling me lazy at that point when I was still working, shopping, cooking, I was just doing less washing and less running around with DS when DP was home!

YANBU; he's behaving like a dick and I have no idea why you're getting such a kicking from some posters.

PalmTree101 "Men can shop cook and clean you know."

According to some posters on here, apparently not. Not without needing to be told first. Apparently.
We need a facepalm or head-desk emoticon.

If you're well enough to post on here you're well enough to stick on a wash.

And the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

In my experience the truth is rarely in the middle.

@easyandy101 I didn't - I had another thread yesterday about him being on a games console all day and having no food in. Linked, but not the same - this was about being called a liar and being swore at, either way I'm trying to get a picture about whether I'm being unreasonable when I'm ill!

"If were a single parent I am assuming you would pack your ds off to his dad and have time to get well."

Don't get me wrong there are a lot of great fathers out there, but not sure this would work in a lot of cases.

This is such a clear example of the emotional labour of household chores falling on women.

Maybe a good idea to sit down together, when everyone has calmed down a bit, and explain that your exasperation comes from a general exhaustion at keeping track of and carrying out constant tiny chores. When you're exhausted and ill you can't do that, and he should be able to pick them up. I'm sure you'd think nothing of doing the dishes on top of everything else if he was unwell.

What the FUCK is wrong with you previous posters asking this woman if she has health anxiety or stating glandular fever isn't usually severe? When a patient tells you what they have and how debilitating it is you don't question that-what medical or nursing school did you attend? Seriously as an RN I believe the OP and would never question or minimize her illness. OP your partner is a horse's ass and he needs a foot up his ass-were it me the only thing I'd ask him if he wanted cremation or burial?

The replies on this thread are weird.

OP glandular fever can be really serious if you don't rest up and get better. Can you take yourself off to your mum's for 2 or 3 weeks and leave him to it?

Fathers are just as capable of looking after house/dc/going to work as mothers and any reasonable partner would be stepping up a couple of gears and doing their best to look after you too.

Go get some rest and let him get on with it, you can call dc when you feel up to it and he'll figure it out just like you would if he was ill!

I get you OP. The trouble is that by doing all the domestic chores, you've enabled him to be the 2nd child in your relationship so he can walk past a pile of dirty laundry and just not register general muddle.

You've seen it, now you need to change it. Make a daily list of what needs doing around the place and make sure that he understands that the list is for you both in future. Get an online food shop delivered, bung a load of washing in for your DC and switch off from it today. It took me around 6 months to pick up from GF, and my GP sent me into A & E as my throat was so swollen and sore they were worried about a quinsy.

My point to him was that I am always the one doing the washing and shopping - and when I've been feeling pretty horrific, even if I was technically able to do it, then he shouldn't have minded picking up the slack for me anyway when I felt crap.

He should be doing his fair share in the first place.