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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave an 8 week old to cry?!

206 replies

DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS · 18/02/2019 22:14

I've been rocking him in a swing chair on and off since 7pm. Not to mention the hellish day.

I only breed arsehole children that don't sleep. Though I love them very very much.

I've tried countless things.
White noise
Black out blinds
Routines (I paid £34 for one!)
Something that smells like me
Various swing chairs
Rocking chair
Patting
Shush and pat
Etc etc etc etc

Now he's ridiculously over tired and I'm ridiculously pissed off.
My first child was the same.

The ONLY way he sleeps is in the car.

It's not sustainable to do every nap and bed time in the car.

He's next to me screaming.

I'm not asking for suggestions.
Believe me, I've tried it.

OP posts:
youreoversensitive · 18/02/2019 23:37

Thatsnotmyotter
I suggest you educate yourself and read the brain damages and long term effects on babies who are left to cry. Xx

Thatsnotmyotter · 18/02/2019 23:38

Is English not your first language? You seem to be struggling a lot with differentiating between facts and hyperbole? You seem to have entirely missed the subtext.

youreoversensitive · 18/02/2019 23:40

Not the first or the second language. What's your next card? Grammar? Cake

Cheby · 18/02/2019 23:42

OP, if the baby is this unsettled there is something going on, which presumably you know due to the meds and appointments. So yes, YWBU to leave him to cry. But YANBU to need a break and some sleep. You need to be tagging out with DH, your mum, a friend, anyone who can take the baby for an hour or two after a feed and walk round, cuddle, rock, shush and pat while you get some rest.

Even co-sleeping babies can be put down. I think you saying you aren’t able to bf to sleep is a key point here. Likely he would settle a lot more if he was able to do some non-nutritive sucking for comfort. You also say he’s rejected a dummy. I’m definitely wondering about tongue tie and if he’s not been seen by a professional he probably should be (not GP, paed or HV, it needs to be someone who is IBCLC qualified and a tongue tie expert).

If you get some decent face to face Bf advice, they should be able to tell you how to manage this with him...you could express into a muslin first to manage the initial strong let down, there is something called block feeding you can do for oversupply (but all this needs to be done with proper advice and support as your baby is so young). There are also nursing positions that help with this.

If he has rejected a dummy would he suck a (clean!) little finger? My eldest would do this for comfort and it might buy you some time.

IME tiny breastfed babies just need to be breastfed when they’re unsettled. If you could sort the breastfeeding/supply issues you might buy yourself a lot of peace. And they might be a big part of the source of the crying in the first place.

EwItsAHooman · 18/02/2019 23:42

Not the first or the second language. What's your next card? Grammar?

Compassion....? Support.....? Not being spiteful....?

Thatsnotmyotter · 18/02/2019 23:43

I have done extensive research about this professionally. I have written sodding essays about attachment theory and have attended lectures (in the last year in fact) about recent research surrounding neurological development and the effects of cortisol. I can site sodding research papers if you want. I drove myself half mad panicking about this stuff when DS was newborn. And you know what? Making yourself incredibly anxious and depressed because occasionally you have to put your baby down for five minutes is a hell of a lot worse for everyone in the long run.

Anyat212 · 18/02/2019 23:45

*Not the first or the second language. What's your next card? Grammar?

Your horrible, insensitive, stinking attitude? “ Cake “

Geoxxx · 18/02/2019 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Cheby · 18/02/2019 23:46

Oh and the other thing to remember is feed regularly. It’s easy to get into a cycle of feeding and then spending a few hours trying to get them to settle, but it’s not unusual for babies of this age to want to feed every hour, especially during the early evening. So even though you haven’t had a rest, you might need to go back to feeding even though he hasn’t slept between.

Could you try feeding for half an hour, then handing him to DH while you go and have a rest or a break (preferably with ear plugs in so you can’t hear any crying)? 60 mins later, if not settled you come back and try feeding again.

Bunnybaubles · 18/02/2019 23:49

@youreoversensitive but the op didn't leave her baby to cry, she has sat in bed with her baby cuddling him and patting his back -after spending all day trying the multitude of different tactics, which she listed, to comfort, console and calm her baby. So clearly her title was a light hearted effort to vent her frustration rather than a serious suggestion - which you clearly missed! Talk about living up to your username lol

NotSoThinLizzy · 18/02/2019 23:51

Have you tried the tissue thing? Used to send my one to sleep pretty quick. Get a tissue and gently brush it down his face there's YouTube videos

thenightsky · 18/02/2019 23:55

What I worked out was that he needed to decompress to sleep and all the input of singing and rocking and patting wasn't letting him do it. 5 minutes of peace and he was out for the count

I had this with both mine too.

Aridane · 19/02/2019 00:00

Flowers and 💤

Februaryblooms · 19/02/2019 00:08

Oh OP I feel for you, I remember exactly how that feels. My DS is 13mo now and has been sleeping through since about 4 months - but the first few months were hell on earth and I don't know how I didn't lose the plot. I understood why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

DD is due in a couple of months and I'm praying she's not a screamer like DS was.

It's not helpful I know but this will pass soon enough. My DS became a brilliant sleeper and naps during the day so I eventually recouped all my lost sleep and then some. In the meantime please share the burden with your DH as much as you can, even if he is getting on your wick, it's so important that you get rest. You matter too.

wowsertrousers · 19/02/2019 00:09

Huge sympathy OP. My first baby was like this, nonstop screaming throughout the day no matter what I tried. The only thing that helped a bit was Colief dropped into her milk (had to express all her feeds), as in her case the screeching was partly due to an overly sensitive digestive system. She still screeched throughout the day on Colief but the crying was at least less intense... Then from around 6 months her gut seemed to mature and she had less painful wind and little by little a smiley little girl started to emerge... She's still hard work though now at 6, much higher maintenance than her younger brother , but when I think back to her early months I do still wonder how I got through it. But I did get through it, because I had to, just like you will get through it, because you have to. It absolutely sucks and I'm so sorry you're going through it right now.

jaynetheghostofagathachristie · 19/02/2019 00:33

I also had arsehole children, esp my 2nd. He was diagnosed with severe lactose intolerance by a pediatrician. Breastfed but my natural lactose caused his severe stomach cramps no pooing and 24/7 screaming and weight loss. It was ducking awful. Colief was the only only thing that helped at all, at 7 months his gut matured and he became an overnight dream to sleep. He's 2.5 and sleeps all night. When he gets sick and doesn't sleep I get flashbacks and it's horrendous, the screaming stared at 7 weeks so I give you all the love and all the patience. My cousins wife ( mum of 3) took my son for an hour demanded I go and eat my lunch and took the screaming away. Is there anyone who can do this ?

jaynetheghostofagathachristie · 19/02/2019 00:37

Oh and I stopped bf at 5 months onto lactosefree formula ( drs advice due to weight issues ) he made massive improvements. Also my son needed 5 minutes of whining ( not newborn I'm talking 5 months onwards ) if I stayed in the room he wouldn't sleep. He's still the same, crying and whining nor the same

ShannonRockallMalin · 19/02/2019 00:55

OP, hopefully you’re getting some sleep now too, but just wanted offer solidarity. Reading your struggles has brought it all back from 15 years ago for me, with DS1. He would never be put down, woke as soon as you let go of him, terrible feeder and awful colic. I remember that Infacol seemed to help a little, but I also remember one occasion where I did just put him in his cot crying, came downstairs and just sat in the kitchen for a few minutes. Sometimes you do just need a quick breather - don’t beat yourself up about it.

You are right that this will pass - I can’t get my DS to wake up now he’s a teenager!

BlackeyedGruesome · 19/02/2019 01:57

My screamer sleeps beautifully now. Ten years of great sleeping. There is hope.

Better left to scream in the cot than thrown out the window as the HV said.

AllesAusLiebe · 19/02/2019 02:09

Oh OP reading this really took me back in time. My DS who is now 4 1/2 months and peacefully sleeping caused me so much stress. I posted on here many times that I felt like a shit parent because NOTHING would console him.

I don’t think leaving him to cry for a short period of time while you do something different (get a coffee or simply shut the noise out for a few minutes) would be such a bad thing, would it?

I honestly feel for you - it’s horrible. Hope this period passes quickly. I actually am ashamed of some of the things I said when DS was going through a similar phase, but I was at my limit so I empathise with you 100%.

AllesAusLiebe · 19/02/2019 02:10

I should add - he’s sleeping peacefully and I’m still suffering under this damn insomnia! 😐

AllesAusLiebe · 19/02/2019 02:21

Sorry to post again - brain isn’t functioning as it should. I’m sure you’ve tried it but gripe water worked around 40% of the time for my DS. Worth a shot?

Also I tried giving him a small amount of fennel tea. Again, not a miracle cure but it helped. My health visitor wasn’t happy about it, however.

Daisychainsandglitter · 19/02/2019 05:39

I feel for you OP. My children had dairy allergy and reflux and those early weeks were hellThanks
Hope you get some answers at your appt.

Hoplittlebunnies · 19/02/2019 06:14

I bet there's loads of couples out there who would love to adopt your newborn and put him to sleep. If you're not suitable to follow the basic mamo instinct should not have had a second baby

What a vile thing to say. I adopted my son at a year old and still had plenty of moments of thinking "just go the fuck to sleep!"...and HIS 'bad sleeping' was nowhere near as bad as an 8 week old. OP has every right to be frustrated without some twat telling her she's being ungrateful. Yes her first few posts came across as a bit harsh but she clarified very early on that was not going to leave her baby to CIO.

Cockycockerel · 19/02/2019 06:18

OP you are so brave to post about this in MN where every mother is glued to their child every waking and sleeping moment of the day.

The fact is that letting him cry next to you will do him no harm at all. It’s hell on earth with a baby that won’t sleep, and if you need to let him lie there for your sanity then please just do it.

A happy mum might not necessarily make a happy baby but a miserable mum definitely won’t help either of you.

Please also ignore the absolute lunatics in here that are incredibly detached from reality. There are so many of them I wonder if they just like to kick people rather than share actual opinions.