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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to leave an 8 week old to cry?!

206 replies

DONTPICKTHEMILKSPOTS · 18/02/2019 22:14

I've been rocking him in a swing chair on and off since 7pm. Not to mention the hellish day.

I only breed arsehole children that don't sleep. Though I love them very very much.

I've tried countless things.
White noise
Black out blinds
Routines (I paid £34 for one!)
Something that smells like me
Various swing chairs
Rocking chair
Patting
Shush and pat
Etc etc etc etc

Now he's ridiculously over tired and I'm ridiculously pissed off.
My first child was the same.

The ONLY way he sleeps is in the car.

It's not sustainable to do every nap and bed time in the car.

He's next to me screaming.

I'm not asking for suggestions.
Believe me, I've tried it.

OP posts:
Stifledlife · 18/02/2019 23:02

My youngest was like this.
Regular as clockwork at 9pm he would start crying and NOTHING would sooth him. Night after night I sat there patting him with my tears dripping on him, until one night I couldn't cope any more and said to him "You are clean, fed, burped, have been cuddled, walked around, patted, sung to, talked to. I have nothing left" and I put him safely in his little bed and closed the door.

Within 5 minutes he had fallen asleep.

What I worked out was that he needed to decompress to sleep and all the input of singing and rocking and patting wasn't letting him do it. 5 minutes of peace and he was out for the count.

Working that out was a game changer!

Caticorn · 18/02/2019 23:03

@youreoversensitive what a nasty bastard you are! I hope you don't have kids, your lack of empathy is terrifying.

Thishatisnotmine · 18/02/2019 23:08

Dd1 didn't sleep. Dd2 did but screamed until she did, the loudest cry any baby has ever had. Every evening for hours when she was so tired she couldn't sleep, if I somehow got her to sleep before the screaming started she'd be fine.

Flowers OP. Pop your ds somewhere safe, take five minutes out. Remind yourself it won't be forever.

Caticorn · 18/02/2019 23:09

OP, ignore the smug goady twats on here. It's clear you are at your wits end, and many of us have been there. The only advice I have is to give up the battle every now and then, do whatever it takes to get YOURSELF some sleep. Then you'll feel better, and you can try again to work on the routine. Don't keep ploughing on when you're in no fit state. So cuddle him, rock him...I occasionally brought the car seat into the living room and rocked them in that! For a couple of days put the other kids in front of the telly and rest up as much as you can. Good luck!

NotAFuckingYummyMummy · 18/02/2019 23:11

@youreoversensitive you obviously haven't experienced a 'true' screamer, so off you pop Bike

I just want to say op, i too have been there, and it's an absolute suffocating hell
My 3rd was by far my worst, no one is ever an expert!
You're feeding her, changing her, soothing her, you're doing great.
But you also need 5 mins to look after you too. You're a person too Thanks

StarlightIntheNight · 18/02/2019 23:13

So difficult and frustrating when newborns cry and you can not figure out why or solve it. Looking back, my first suffered from reflux. Does your baby seem to cry more when lying down? This could be an indicator. My dd could not even calm down in a stroller out for a walk. I had to hold her up right all day long...hold her upright in a baby carrier or in my arms...it was very difficult. I felt trapped. Could not shower, could not go to toilet with out wearing her on me! With time she got better. I think by 6 months a lot better. But I feel for you...and its not abuse to let your baby cry a bit. Some people are not aware of dealing with a baby that cries all day every day. Eventually, the mom has to shower etc and can not rely on having someone there all the time. When I had to shower and leave her to cry (bc she cried any time I put her down) she would literally cry the whole time (obviously I showered as quick as I could!). It was so stressful. She would not take a dummy either. She was quite a fussy toddler as well....but now she is a lovely 7 year old. My ds was a lot easier and could actually sleep in the stroller. I could take him for a walk and sit for a coffee while he slept! Bliss. With my first, I was NEVER able to sit down in the cafe for one coffee while she slept in the pram, like I saw so many other babies do. I felt so jealous of others who could do this. Once in the pottery cafe, I saw a lady painting etc with her new born baby sleeping for two hours in the pram! I could not believe it. I asked if it was always like this and she said yea, that she could go out and she would happily sleep for an hour or two.

Good luck, I hope you are able to figure out a way to help your baby to feel more comfortable and cry less (or at least, you are almost out of the first 3 months, which is the most difficult).

Lizzie48 · 18/02/2019 23:14

@youreoversensitive shocking post. This is a loving mum who is at the end of her tether, she's allowed to come on here and vent. This site is supposed to be be supportive of parents. Angry

Imperfectsusan · 18/02/2019 23:15

Sometimes you just have to put the baby down for a while regardless, especially if you have other children.

Janleverton · 18/02/2019 23:17

With my first it was horrendous and the dummy saved our sanity. She would sometimes spit it out though so I developed a cunning way of holding her which sort of proposed it in- so would come out but not enough to fly onto the floor. Swaddling helped a bit and tummy massage helped if only to give me another something to do to try and make it stop.

Sometimes looked longingly at sellotape... but didn’t ever go that far. It was bloody relentless but clearly colic in her case which thankfully did settle when she was about 4 months and started having solids (poss coincidental, and 4 months hadn’t quite been replaced by the new 6 months weaning guidance).

tinysnickersaremyfavourite · 18/02/2019 23:19

OP I had two screamers. I won't have a third because if I had another screamer it would send me over the edge.

I am now a breastfeeding peer supporter. there are things you can do to help with the fast flow until your supply regulates better. If you hand express or pump a bit before feeding baby you can catch the let down and very fast flow at the start in a muslin or container. Then latch baby on once the flow slows and that should help them deal with it better and possibly allow them to feed to sleep.
Feeding in a laid back position can also help this (gravity), you can use lots of pillows to support yourself in a semi reclined position and latch baby on lying up your body.

With my mummy hat on, has your baby been checked for tongue tie? My screamer was on ranitidine (did nothing) screamed all day and most of the night, couldn't be put down. Couldn't deal with my milk flow.
At 12 weeks I paid for him to have tongue tie snipped (after giving up on NHS) and he was literally a totally different child within 48 hours. The difference was utterly incredible. His sleep was still a bit shit, I guess because he had established shitty patterns, but the constant screaming stopped and I gradually got my sanity back.

If you have a breastfeeding group near you, it would be worth going along. They may be able to help, and at worst they will make you a cuppa and be a shoulder to cry on.

CoffeeAndCakeEssentials · 18/02/2019 23:19

You have my full sympathy. Our DS1 cried for 6 months solid I'm sure. It was hell. There were times I'd have to put him down somewhere safe and just walk away for 5 minutes to get a break from the constant crying. Don't feel guilty for needing a few minutes of time out. You're doing an amazing job Thanks

Treaclepie19 · 18/02/2019 23:20

Hope you're getting some sleep now OP FlowersCake

TitsAndTomatoes · 18/02/2019 23:20

OP please get his tongue checked. Mine was missed by 4 health professionals. Only picked up by a senior tt expert and infant feeding specialist at 10 weeks. Before that she was diagmosed with reflux wrongly.
They have to go in and check with their finger and not just by looking. DDs TT was missed because it was so tight and everyone just gave it a visual check.
Find out where your nhs infant feeding clinic is. Get them to check.

whatsnewchoochoo · 18/02/2019 23:20

I'm sure you've tried this but have you tried expressing a little milk before feeding baby? I had the same problem at 8 weeks and it really helped

Otherwise - earphones and either a audio book or loud music. It's an impossible situation so you just need to get as much space as you can

Ps. Do try to let DH do more, you'll be completely broken without some rest Thanks

Rooberoobe · 18/02/2019 23:20

It was on days like this with my cpma silent reflux DC2 that I would have the conversation with my DH about sleep deprivation being used as a torture method! I blinking well knew why on these days.

My DC 2 started dummy refusing when her reflux was bad because it was causing him to swallow the acid back down more.

If you think it maybe allergies there could be more than just milk. Mine reacted to soya as well as milk products.

youreoversensitive · 18/02/2019 23:21

I am sure the OP will carry on with her life with no traumas after reading my comment. She is not the one who needs support but her 8 WEEKS old baby.

FlumpyMummy · 18/02/2019 23:22

I'm going through the same thing as you op right now.

Holding your hand tightly 💐

TitsAndTomatoes · 18/02/2019 23:23

Also OP, i feel your pain. I hated motherhood for the first 14 weeks. But itll happen. You'll get there. And you'll forget this tough part so quick.

You're doing brilliant. Just let him cuddle u to death. Its shit and draining but itll pass xx

blackteasplease · 18/02/2019 23:24

I do think it would be sensible to get the tongue tie possibility checked by an expert.

Absofrigginlootly · 18/02/2019 23:26

youre yes the OP needs support don’t be ridiculous!

With my first baby I was distraught that she was so unsettled I was so worried about her but equally I was falling apart from worry and sleep deprivation. I don’t have supportive family so MN was a lifeline to me in those days. You can look up all my old threads of you like. Without MN I don’t think my DD would have got diagnosed and I would have tipped over the edge into severe PND and Anxiety

Stop being unkind and just leave the thread if you have nothing nice to say. Of course the newborn baby needs comforting. But so does the OP

CrackersDontMatter · 18/02/2019 23:29

OP my youngest was s screamer. Reflux had something to do with it. I don’t know if this will help but I don’t think anyone has suggested it. When he got himself really worked up, to the point where like a PP suggested there had been too much input, we used to bath him. Obviously not great if yours doesn’t like the bath but the water really helped to calm him down. It didn’t put him straight to sleep but it was like a reset button. The crying would stop and he’d be much easier to settle. There were countless nights he got bathed at 2am! Ignore the shitty comments, I hope he stays asleep for you.

NoPlaced · 18/02/2019 23:33

youreoversensitive
ah yes, the newborn is the one who requires assistance. Except that's bollocks. If, however, I'm wrong and you have some way of advising the 8 week old on how it's supposed to sleep then I'm all ears. Until then, it may be more useful to offer advice to the person who posted online asking for said advice.

Thatsnotmyotter · 18/02/2019 23:34

@youreoversensitive

You really don’t get it do you? An 8 week old doesn’t really know what’s going on and will move out of this phase eventually. An exhausted parent who is struggling can end up with considerable ongoing mental health difficulties.

youreoversensitive · 18/02/2019 23:35

This reply has been deleted

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LittlePaintBox · 18/02/2019 23:37

Didn't want to read and run - just to say your post brought it all back from 30 years ago - both sons were like this, a big reason why I didn't have a third.

My older son now has 2 DCs who have been left to 'self soothe' (ie cry) from quite early on if they wouldn't settle, it doesn't seem to have done them any harm.

DS and DDiL have a contraption which we bought them which sends a video picture of the baby as well as an audio link to check if they're OK.

Just when I was kicking myself for not having left my babies to 'self soothe' instead of knackering myself, the grandchildren started refusing to go to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night - confirming my original theory that we all have to lose roughly the same amount of sleep with our kids, it just happens at different times!