Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to this form of address in the 21st century?

333 replies

clary · 16/02/2019 09:22

We got a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs J Johnson. *

My name is not Jacinda nor Jennifer. My initial is in fact not J. My husband's name however is Jeremy.

Have I, having done something so bourgeois as get married, now lost the right to my first initial?

Our bank manages Mr J Johnson and Mrs C Johnson. Or I would also be fine with a simple Mr and Mrs Johnson. We are the only Mr and Mrs Johnson at this address.

I'm not going to complain to the school. But am I reasonable to be slightly seething?

*All names changed.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 09:22

I agree with you.

waffilyversati1e · 16/02/2019 09:23

seething is a bit much? Irked is ok though I think

GreenEggsHamandChips · 16/02/2019 09:24

It leaves me seething

Readytogogogo · 16/02/2019 09:24

YANBU. I accept this from elderly relatives, but otherwise it's really not Ok. Especially as I haven't taken my husband's name!

BramblyHedge · 16/02/2019 09:25

My MIL does this on birthday cards to me

Racecardriver · 16/02/2019 09:25

Does it really matter? A rose by any other name and so forth.

Bezalelle · 16/02/2019 09:25

I'm not going to complain to the school.

Why not? If you don't, nothing will change.

doctorfrog · 16/02/2019 09:26

It is ridiculous (it's not as though the school doesn't know your name!) but people will be along shortly to tell you it's the "correct" form of address for a married couple, and probably one of those people works in the school office.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 09:26

Does it really matter? A rose by any other name and so forth.

It’s lazy and sexist. Challenging pervasive sexism matters.

dudsville · 16/02/2019 09:27

You changed your make to your husbands' name, and some people still use the form's of address associated with that practice. I think it's hard to feel put out by it.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 09:28

She didn’t change her first name.

AuntieCJ · 16/02/2019 09:28

people will be along shortly to tell you it's the "correct" form of address for a married couple, and probably one of those people works in the school office.

Here I am to fulfil that prediction. But I don't work in a school office. What is the alternative? I would favour no initial at all.

Seline · 16/02/2019 09:29

This is one of the reasons I am passionate about keeping my name. I'm Ms S Dowlawski* not Mrs G Smith.

*Name changed but similar sounding.

LifeCasting · 16/02/2019 09:30

I knew it would be this!
I also lost my profession: Dr & Mrs rather than Dr&Dr. ShockIt took a lot of complaining, but finally got there Smile

pigsDOfly · 16/02/2019 09:30

When I was married and we had a mortgage on our house the mortgage company would always send lettered addressed to Mr J Jones and Mrs P Jones, that was back at the end of the 70s and the 80s.

You'd think a school would have managed to catch up by now with the trend.

EleanorLavish · 16/02/2019 09:31

Ooooo, this drives me nuts! I actually started a thread about it before.
And, I googled the correct etiquette regarding this (sad,I know).
Apparently, it is the correct way to refer to a married lady in written communication, but is also considered out of date and not in keeping with modern ways. So also perfectly acceptable now to just put Mr and Mrs Brown. And, if you do mention to the school that you don't wish to be referred to as that in future then they should stop doing it. It is considered poor etiquette to refer to someone in a manner they have requested not be used.

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 09:31

life we’re Dr and Mr. It’s amazing how many times DH got promoted and I turned into a man.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 16/02/2019 09:32

I’m not sure you can complain about someone doing something old fashioned and sexist when you’ve done something as old fashioned and sexist which you reinforce every day yourself!

Hanumantelpiece · 16/02/2019 09:32

Annoys me too. I don't have the same surname as DH, and people find this terribly confusing, despite the fact that we have been married well over 10years and anything I ever send out quite clearly states both names.
I am not Mrs Gary Higginbotham. I am Mrs Jane Smith Higginbotham. Not difficult.

Boyskeepswinging · 16/02/2019 09:33

My MIL does this on birthday cards to me
Yup, me too. Speaks volumes ... not allowed to have my own identity even on my birthday.

OwlinaTree · 16/02/2019 09:34

I write lots of letters to parents at school. I'll do anything to avoid addressing a letter to 'Mr and Mrs' when it's Mrs that attends all the meetings and Mr is never to be seen!

Scaredofskiing · 16/02/2019 09:34

Yes it pisses me off too! The only time I've received a letter like this was from school. It was an attendance letter and we've never had one before. Attendance is at 97.9% so it's bloody ridiculous I even got a letter!

Boobiliboobiliboo · 16/02/2019 09:35

Annoys me too. I don't have the same surname as DH, and people find this terribly confusing, despite the fact that we have been married well over 10years and anything I ever send out quite clearly states both names.
I am not Mrs Gary Higginbotham. I am Mrs Jane Smith Higginbotham. Not difficult.

So you do have the same surname, at least in part?!

PurpleDaisies · 16/02/2019 09:35

Boobiliboobiliboo that’s such a weak argument. The op is still a person in her own right. She chose to change her surname, not her first name.

flumpybear · 16/02/2019 09:35

On one of the bills in my name it says Dr F Flumpy * and I had to call the company recently and the person on the phone said to me 'oh the account is in your husbands name Mrs Flumpy ..... I said 'are you assuming here my husband is the doctor in our family 🤔 .... he muffled an apology 😯