To object to this form of address in the 21st century?

[clary]

We got a letter from school addressed to Mr and Mrs J Johnson. *

My name is not Jacinda nor Jennifer. My initial is in fact not J. My husband's name however is Jeremy.

Have I, having done something so bourgeois as get married, now lost the right to my first initial?

Our bank manages Mr J Johnson and Mrs C Johnson. Or I would also be fine with a simple Mr and Mrs Johnson. We are the only Mr and Mrs Johnson at this address.

I'm not going to complain to the school. But am I reasonable to be slightly seething?

*All names changed.

Hah massive assumptions. We agreed use of names and titles. His name is nicer than mine. Simply that. No suggestion of ownership or precedence.

Well, no.

The title and surname choices you made do suggest precedence. Precedence is literally what has happened, since you decided you wanted to use on of your first names and gave precedence to your husband's not yours. As you did with the surname too. You can choose what you want to call yourself and how to order yourselves in announcements, but you can't choose what these decisions suggest, because the context exists regardless.

My husband made a joke when I sent an e-nail at work to say i’d Changed my surname. He said remember to tell them you are going by your married name of ‘steve’ (his first name changed here ) my mother send me my cousins address mr and mrs j Smith... her first name is Diane!

It should be quite simple. Assuming it is totally impossible to record in the system how each parent prefers to address -

As we can see even here, there are many women who don't want to be addressed as Mrs Steve Smith. Right?
How many women (in this case, also taking into account with young children in school, so probably not in their 80's) would object if they received a letter addressing them as Mrs Jane Smith or Mrs Smith? Wild guess, but not that many.

So why set up the addressing to piss off more people?

To be fair if I was marrying Al Pacino I would probably take his name

Same 😂😂

Would you say "You can call me Al?"

Boobiliboobiliboo my surname is Smith Higginbotham, DH is plain Higginbotham. Different. I can't see why people are apparently unable to differentiate us from each other. He's 6'5" with a beard and built like a prop forward. I'm scraping 5" on a good day, and am more of a sort of jelly shape. Time to get my 'tash in order I think
Thankfully DCs school are perfectly able to use the requested forms of address.

So you both have the SAME word in your surnames!

Smith and Higginbotham is different. You’ve added his name to yours (I note he didn’t do the same with yours).

I'm always amazed women still take their husbands last name in the 21st century to be honest.

Why? I'm always more "amazed" that people get married but don't agree with the traditions etc but still go ahead and do it anyway.
Makes no sense to me. If you're that intent on keeping your own name, don't get married in the first place

Oh I love it. I love mr & mrs j smith on our envelopes,

But bloody thanks to mn I always write to Mr J and Mrs B Jones to all our bloody friends and acquaintances Thanks mn. 🙄

I object to Ms, especially when the ignorant write it followed by a full-stop!

Me too, really don't like Ms!

Why? I'm always more "amazed" that people get married but don't agree with the traditions etc but still go ahead and do it anyway.
Makes no sense to me. If you're that intent on keeping your own name, don't get married in the first place

Had civil partnerships been available for straight couples we would have done that.

Marriage wasn’t a romantic arrangement for us, but it was the best legal option available. We did none of the “traditional” wedding stuff.

Feminism is not about being free to choose to be oppressed.

I don't see my choosing to take my husband's surname or choosing not to be bothered by his initial being on the envelope as being oppressed.

I have seen the oppression of women across the globe and this is not it.

I don't see my choosing to take my husband's surname or choosing not to be bothered by his initial being on the envelope as being oppressed. I have seen the oppression of women across the globe and this is not it

Same here

I'm another whose MiL persists in addressing me as Mrs Hisname. We've been married 10 years and I've never used any name other than my own, or been 'Mrs' anyone.

As for her addressing me under my correct title of 'Dr', the idea makes me laugh! The in-laws loathe my profession to the extent that they never lose a single opportunity to lambast it (and in doing so, put me back into what they see as 'my place'). It's given me many a moment of quiet amusement.

Makes me scratch my head, that a woman making the simple decision of retaining her own identity on marriage should merit such fierce opposition and discussion. In 2019.

Makes me scratch my head, that a woman making the simple decision of retaining her own identity on marriage should merit such fierce opposition and discussion. In 2019.

Indeed.

I had an almighty row with my MIL one Xmas about this. We got cards addressed to us in the same old fashioned way (all from his aunts and uncles etc) and I said I'm not Mrs X Smith, I'm Miss Jones! She lost it a bit and sternly asked why I got married if I wasn't taking his name 🙄

Sadly my husband shares this view so there have been arguments! But I've put him in his place 😂

It literally makes my blood boil.

I can understand why some find this really irritating.

Personally I am not fussed, it's just a little bit of tradition that is left over. I very much doubt anyone writes it and thinks 'oh she is owned by her husband'.

I am technically not 'Mrs', but I barely remember to get my friends' names right, so definitely don't worry if people forget mine!

I would address John and Sarah Wilson as Mr and Mrs J. Wilson on an envelope because I always have done and it's the standard way to do it. If either John or Sarah let me know they objected I'd wrote it however they wish. If nobody objects I don't know they don't like it.

That's a fucking ludicrous argument glitterstick. Name changing isn't and innate part of marriage. Marriage predates surnames. It's just a thing some people have done when getting married, in some societies, fairly recently. Your argument makes about as much sense as saying you might as well not have got married at all if you don't want your husband to be able to force you to have sex whenever you like. After all, that's often been part of marriage too.

In response to the PP who asks why a Dr using this title outside their working context. I never used to do this. In fact, I thought it was pretentious. I also never anticipated that in 2008, when I married, women would still be facing intrusive questions relating to their marital status - not least outright rudeness from one insurance company whose computer found it beyond its capabilities of recognising married status on the same screen as the title ‘Miss’. I’d have thought it exaggerated or made up, and it’s particularly aggravating that such a question would never be addressed to a man.

Personally I can’t see why titles are necessary in the first place. A name is enough to identify a person surely? But as every form feed seems to persist in the use of these stupid, obsolete forms of address, then ‘Dr’ neatly circumvents that annoying Ms, Mrs or Ms question and can save a bunch of intrusive questions that are really none of anyone else’s business.

If either John or Sarah let me know they objected I'd wrote it however they wish

That's just it, isn't it?
If you know, then you'll write accordingly. It's those who object but still insist on their way being the only way that is the problem.
If they don't want it addressing that way, then that's up to them.

The problem with that argument is that it assumes the old fashioned way is the default. It is not. You are of course free to stick to that principle if you want, but it will cause some people to think badly of you. So now you know that, if you continue to do it anyway you'll be making an active choice.

That's a fucking ludicrous argument glitterstick. Name changing isn't and innate part of marriage. Marriage predates surnames

Name change to me is part of marriage.
I don't "get" the mindset behind wanting to get married but want to stay separate. Especially if anyone has kids. You all become one family unit with the same name.

Drives me mad. Have not even changed my surname but in-laws still address cards to Mrs DH initial DH surname

This reminds me of when a friend got married. Her MIL said she couldn’t be Mrs M Farquahason even though her name was Mary, as she, the MIL was Mrs M Farquahason as her husband’s name was Michael.