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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
SubparOwl · 15/02/2019 12:29

No. He's a twat.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2019 12:30

No.

But what are you and your DD getting out of this relationship. You are being taken for a ride. Your sister is not a babysitting service for a step-nephew.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2019 12:30

Absolutely not. Total double standards and he's taking the piss with free childcare from your Sister.

As @SubparOwl said: He's a twat.

QueenofallIsee · 15/02/2019 12:30

Nope, your partner is being an absolute tool. Blended families are hard but he is not asking you to ‘blend’, somewhat ironically he is expecting what he is so adamant that your DD doesn’t get...his son to be treated over and above.

Don’t pressure your sister, tell your partner that he needs to consider how to best make sure BOTH kids get treated fairly (fairly, not identically)

And yes, we are a blended family.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/02/2019 12:30

He needs to wind his neck in and what 13 year old boy would WANT to go to Disneyland with 5 little girls? Is it definitely your DSS complaining or your DP?

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2019 12:30

No your DP is selfish. I agree the DC should be treated as equal as possible, you have arranged for this already.
Your sister may stop childcare altogether.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/02/2019 12:31

Sounds like he can't be arsed looking after his own kid

7yo7yo · 15/02/2019 12:31

Why are you with this twunt?
It sounds like he’s with you for what he can get.

flamingofridays · 15/02/2019 12:31

ergh get rid of him

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/02/2019 12:31

And your sister is a bloody angel putting up with this for so long!

wheelygo · 15/02/2019 12:32

Do you live with your DP? I'd think after 3 years he would be willing to look after your DD.

Have you tried sitting down with him and pointing out the ridiculous difference in what he's expecting vs what he's willing to provide.

YANBU

Somethingsmellsnice · 15/02/2019 12:32

I can't get past that he won't look after your daughter when you are at work.

Why not?

RedSkyLastNight · 15/02/2019 12:32

Is this more a question of how you treat both children within your blended family? If both children live with you full time, then I can see that they should be treated fairly (does not mean equally). Is this a general case of your DD getting preferential treatment over his DS?

(I find it hard to believe a 13 year old boy really wants to spend more time then necessary with much younger girls).

Brightburn · 15/02/2019 12:34

Have I got this right?...

Your DP of 3 years refuses to look after your DD yet expects your sister to watch his DS???

What planet is he living on? Why are you with this man?

gamerchick · 15/02/2019 12:35

Did you ask him why your daughter wasn't invited to stepsons birthday? Point all this stuff out as soon as he whines.

Tbh you sound like a bit of a pushover. Get the bugger told.

Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:35

I have not heard my step son complaining about not going. Just his dad.

I treated them equally , when my partner works I take care of his son, but when I am working he won't look after my daughter.

His son went on holidays with my parents, goes to their house, while my daughter never stays with his grandparents. My step son received christmas present from my family, while my daughter didn't receive anything from partner's family.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 15/02/2019 12:36

He can't have it both way. If his kid needs to be included as one of the family with everything, then he needs include yours. Which means that when he is home at the weekends with his own kid, he also looks after yours.

But really... He is showing you who he is. Selfish and only cares about what he wants and his kid. Doesn't care about the family as a whole. Get out.

Brightburn · 15/02/2019 12:37

What do you say to your partner about this? What does he reply?

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/02/2019 12:38

I'm struggling to understand why you even need to ask. I can only imagine you have your head in the sand and are trying to believe your "partner" is not as big an arsehole as he so clearly is. You need to set higher standards for what you expect both for yourself and for your dd. This blended family has disaster written all over it and all because of him.

Bangingdoors · 15/02/2019 12:38

You want to be with his man so much you're allowing your dd to be treated as a second class citizen. She needs to be your priority not him.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 12:41

How about suggesting a compromise? Your DD and his DS go to your sister’s every other weekend, and he looks after both of them on the weekend in between. If he says no then clearly he’s just out for free babysitting rather than including his son!

It’s a definite no to the Disney thing though. Your sister has said no and that’s final.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 15/02/2019 12:43

That isn't fair, it sounds like such a 1 sided relationship where childcare is concerned.

Does his DS want to hang out with a young girl, a bunch of young girls or a grandmother?

No offense meant to the grandmother of course, but 13yr old boys aren't know for wanting to hang out with any of those groups. So maybe your DP just doesn't enjoy spending time with his DS? In which case, it's a horrible situation for you, your daughter and his DS.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 15/02/2019 12:46

It gets worse, I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship. Whose house are you living in and is he paying his fair share?

Handsfull13 · 15/02/2019 12:46

That's completely one sided and I'd tell him to fuck off. He's forcing you to get child care because he won't do it so I'd tell him to start finding someone to look after his son.
Definitely stop his son going anywhere with your sister it's not fair to put that on her.

Honestly I'd be re evaluating your whole relationship if it's this one sided.

Emeraldshamrock · 15/02/2019 12:48

He wants to be able to sit on his ass kid free the weekends.
As a pp suggested, tell him to mind them alternative weekends, your sister is helping you because he won't, no she is put on with an extra child to look after.

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