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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 15/02/2019 13:22

Why are you with him seems to be the most pressing question to me. He's a dick. He's not a partner in any sense of the word. He treats your daughter terribly. He takes advantage of you and your family.

NotStayingIn · 15/02/2019 13:23

God your poor sister. She has been put in an awkward situation because of the shit you are allowing your partner to pull.

You are either in a relationship where you don't live together and are both responsible for your own child. Or you move it to the next level and are a blended family. You are in some bizarre one-sided middle ground, and you 'understand it and are ready to accept it'. Why?

PregnantSea · 15/02/2019 13:24

No way. He's being ridiculous. And I seriously doubt that a 13yo boy wants to go to Disneyland with a bunch of 5yo girls. In fact, I doubt a 13yo boy wants to go to someone else's granny's house either... This is coming from the father.

I would just sit down with DP and tell him what you've told us - one-sided, not fair etc. If he isn't willing to pull his socks up then maybe think about leaving. This relationship is doing you and DD no favours. Sounds like you are being taken advantage of.

eggsandwich · 15/02/2019 13:25

And why exactly are you with him?

LazyLizzy · 15/02/2019 13:26

Yes we live together , in my house.

This has got to be a wind up. Why the fuck are you with this arsehole?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2019 13:26

He is not your partner. He’s using you and everyone is losing out but him.

Agree your sister is a saint.

YouBumder · 15/02/2019 13:27

Your partner is a cunt.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 15/02/2019 13:27

So, if your relationship finished, what would he do about caring for his own son then? Where would they live?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/02/2019 13:27

He is a proper twat

which I understand and I am ready to accept

You shouldn’t be ready to accept this.
And don’t be fooled He is not your “partner”...

MiniCooperLover · 15/02/2019 13:28

So his own mother used to look after his son all of the weekend and now she can't your sister is being loaded up with him? When does he actually parent himself ?!?

flumposie · 15/02/2019 13:28

Totally unfair / double standards. It needs to stop before resentment builds. Personally I would ask him to leave .

zippey · 15/02/2019 13:28

I think it’s at this point you will point out all his good points and tell us how much you love him and he loves you. You’ll say that apart from this, he is the perfect partner.

eddielizzard · 15/02/2019 13:29

Of course it's not fair. He's a selfish arse. Why won't he look after your dd? If he can answer that one without being a twerp, then I'd look at the other issues.

squeaver · 15/02/2019 13:29

So he doesn't do any childcare at all? Even for his own son?

AuntieCJ · 15/02/2019 13:30

Yes, why are you with him? Get rid before he does your DD emotional harm.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 13:30

The worst part of this is that after three years together, he won’t look after your DD! What a lazy selfish git he is.

Not only won’t he look after your DD, but he doesn’t seem interested in looking after his own kid either. He’s taking advantage of your and your family’s kind and generous natures.

He’s using emotional blackmail to manipulate you all into doing what he wants. Don’t be fooled into thinking that any of this is for his son’s benefit, it’s for his own ends.

Don’t give way over Disneyland trip, it’s not being organised for 13 year old lads!
You need to talk to him about a fairer way to combine your family life, though I think you will not get very far with that. You might be better considering what he actually contributes to you and your daughter’s happiness.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2019 13:30

when my partner works I take care of his son, but when I am working he won't look after my daughter.

Well, I would get this sorted one way or another so both children are treated equally. Which will it be, him looking after your DD or you not looking after his DS?

we live together , in my house.

Why does this not surprise me. Man he has it made. His mother used to look after his son, now it's you and your sister and still he complains about a little girls holiday

What do you see. In him?

NabooThatsWho · 15/02/2019 13:30

‘He just made me feel guilty telling me his son no longer has a mother while my daughter has both sides of her family and that it's hurtful to his son to see her going away with family members.’

But......she wouldn’t be going away with family members if HE would help out??!

Can you answer the many people asking WHY you are with this useless, entitled waste of skin?

Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 13:31

I am with him because apart from the childcare issue we get along very well. I thought I could fix things... or at least try.

Yes my sister is an angel , but I reciprocate it. I often have my nephews too and will always be there for her.
I think my step son likes to be with my family because his dad never talks to him, and he's always in his room. He never goes out.

OP posts:
myidentitymycrisis · 15/02/2019 13:33

If he looked after them both while you worked, he would have the opportunity to treat them both equally.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2019 13:34

Then he’s a horrible father as well as a shit partner. How can you respect a man who wants to get rid of both children as much as he can?

You can’t fix it and your DD and DSS are both suffering because he’s selfish, lazy, thoughtless and demanding.

Do you find you only get on well when you’re pandering to his demands and not when you say no?

Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 13:35

@hellsbellsmelons

He was single for 5 years before I met him and was living with his mother. I never had any problem with him before me moved in together about 9 months ago.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2019 13:36

Was his mother doing all his childcare?

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 13:38

OP, can you give us some examples of when he behaves in a thoughtful, generous way towards you or DD? When he puts you first and does things for you without thinking of himself?

It’s just that he sounds very selfish. Is that really only when it comes to childcare?

Raspberry10 · 15/02/2019 13:38

Oh his poor son! So he’s lost his mother, Grandmother bought him up and his father barely talks to him or looks after him at all. No wonder hanging out with little girls and someone else’s family seems more appealing. I really feel sorry for him