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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 15/02/2019 13:39

How can you not see this situation for what is and kick him out?
Honestly, This is is a ridiculous situation.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2019 13:39

So you have stepped into his mother's shoes now.

Shall I take a punt on asking how much of the housework etc he does?

Figgygal · 15/02/2019 13:39

He sounds like s lazy selfish bastard

Hope he's paying his way in your house

TheCreativeLife · 15/02/2019 13:40

I don't think I'd be putting up with that OP. Not at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2019 13:40

One would have thought for a blended family to work, the two adults would be going out of their way to make the children feel welcome.
How on earth do you explain to an 8 year old why the 'dad' in her life doesn't want to look after her?
Op, on a scale of awfulness, this is truly awful. Your poor dd. Your poor ss. His father is a selfish user.
I understand you came on this thread to see about this one scenario, but it gives an insight in to a life which no one should accept as good enough.

punishmepunisher · 15/02/2019 13:42

Tell him the answer is no. His son cannot go.

Tbf does a 14yo boy really want to go to Disney with a bunch of younger girls?

Your DP sounds like a selfish prick who is trying to offload all of the parenting and expense on to you. What exactly do you get out of this living arrangement?

SpanielEars070 · 15/02/2019 13:42

Ah, another graduate from the Colleen Rooney school of domestic bliss.

Hmm
minmooch · 15/02/2019 13:43

Your dp is a lazy twat. His treatment of your dd is terrible. His expectation of you and his son is unfair.

I cannot imagine living with someone like this. Get shot of the lazy cocklodger as soon as you can.

BigChocFrenzy · 15/02/2019 13:44

Cocklodger on steroids and a rotten father too

Nomorepies · 15/02/2019 13:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 15/02/2019 13:46

my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ).

I bloody well wouldn't understand or accept that, when you and your sister are looking after his dc!

He is a spectacularly lazy arse. Cheeky fucker. Complete double standards.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 13:46

he is the very definition of a cocklodger.

Get rid of him.

Notthatsimple · 15/02/2019 13:47

YANBU!

You and your sister sound lovely

That poor lonely boy :(

Your DP is a twat

NCjustforthisthread · 15/02/2019 13:48

What in The actual fuck have I read. The man is staying In your house, using you and your sister for childcare while you watch?! I hope to god this is a wind up, no one could choose to remain with someone like this.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 15/02/2019 13:48

Ah, he lives in your house too. Quelle surprise!

What does he pay for??

His poor son. He sounds like a shit dad.

macaroniandpizza · 15/02/2019 13:48

Hes being a dick. His son is not your sisters responsibility

LazyLizzy · 15/02/2019 13:49

Ah, another graduate from the Colleen Rooney school of domestic bliss.

It's embarrassing! So desperate for a man that you would put up with any old shit.

ittakes2 · 15/02/2019 13:49

I'm sorry but you lost me on the bit where he would not look after your daughter when you worked. He is not considering you a family unit if he is not prepared to do that. And your daughter will be feeling this. My brother'n'law is marrying someone with a son - not only does he pay for everything for this child - but he looks after him more than the child's mpother. My brother'n'law's mother also looks after this child and we will when he is older too - we all consider him part of the family. I'm sorry your husband is a twat and you and your daughter deserve better (your sister seems amazing!).

KatharinaRosalie · 15/02/2019 13:50

You say you're treating the children equally, but that's not really true. You're allowing your dauther to be treated worse.
He's a twat. HOw on earth can he refuse to look after your daughter after all you and your family has done for his son?

Drum2018 · 15/02/2019 13:50

Dump the selfish bastard. Give him notice for himself and his son to move out and then if you wish, find someone who accepts you and dd as a unit. He clearly doesn't give a shit about your dd, or his own son for that matter.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 15/02/2019 13:52

He was single for 5 years before I met him and was living with his mother. I never had any problem with him before me moved in together about 9 months ago.

But now he is compromising your daughter's life with you. So just NO. You can feel sorry for his son but your primary responsibility it to your child first. He has to go. No trying to fix things and you need to stop dating until you do the Freedom Programme and learn to swerve these rescue projects for good.

He doesn't get to dictate. Your DD deserves time alone with your sister and family.

rainbowstardrops · 15/02/2019 13:54

I feel desperately sorry for the poor boy but bloody hell OP, get rid of your poor excuse for a partner!!!!

brick15 · 15/02/2019 13:54

Why do you even have to ask? He’s a twunt of the highest order. Why doesn’t he look after your dd when you’re at work, what kind of ‘partnership’ is this?

You need to re-evaluate what he adds to yours and dds life because he sounds like a dickwad.

NabooThatsWho · 15/02/2019 13:54

‘I think my step son likes to be with my family because his dad never talks to him, and he's always in his room. He never goes out.’

How? How can you be with a man who treats his own son like this?

Raise your standards please and show your daughter a better example. Works on your self-esteem and stop accepting shit.

Healthy relationship involve give and take.

RiverTam · 15/02/2019 13:55

Basically, once he'd moved in he got a house and a mother and that's what he was after all along, and he doesn't have to pretend otherwise now.

His poor poor son.