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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 15/02/2019 12:48

So you have to care for and parent his child but he will not do the same for yours? Fuck no. Stop it all now. Let your DP kick off about it and ask him to explain why your DD isn't invited to spend time with his DS side or why your DP won't babysit her when you have to babysit his son.

Or just LTB. He's a fucking selfish bastard.

karala · 15/02/2019 12:48

He is not your partner - he's just some bloke who lives in your house and expects you to do things to suit him

Cheby · 15/02/2019 12:49

This is awful OP! Have you explained it to him as you have here? Because if you have, and he still doesn’t see or accept the unfairness, then I couldn’t see a future here.

Tighnabruaich · 15/02/2019 12:49

I've read about some selfish and thoughtless behaviour in here, but this is right up there at the top.
It's blatantly obvious that HE is the one treating the children differently, not you, or your family?
What did he say when you asked why your daughter wasn't invited to the party, yet his son gets to go everywhere?
Does he really not see it?
You have to sit down and have some serious words with him because this is really very unfair.

DuffBeer · 15/02/2019 12:50

So when your partner has a day off, not only will he not look after your daughter, he also expects his own son to be looked after by your sister? Or is this arrangement only when you're both working?

Either way he's an awfully selfish man. I could t be with someone like this. He's just out for what he can get.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/02/2019 12:50

My exh was similar, his dd had to go everywhere with me and my dc but he never took them all anywhere.
Caused a big divide and I was glad to see the back of both of them tbh!!
Your dp is obviously not a good df. Do you want him as a role model for your dc?

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2019 12:52

You haven't explained why you're with him.

You're standing there actively letting his son have preferential treatment over your daughter. Why is that?

StepMuggins · 15/02/2019 12:53

It was like this in my family. It makes everyone feel shit. My Dad/Step Mum told their parents they had to be prepared to the same for both.

My grandparents did the same for my Step Brother as they did for me. Holidays abroad, identical gift value etc.
My Step Brothers GP’s stopped anything at all, pocket money stopped etc because they weren’t willing to give to me too.

It was infuriating.

Tighnabruaich · 15/02/2019 12:54

You're standing there actively letting his son have preferential treatment over your daughter. Why is that?
^ this

NabooThatsWho · 15/02/2019 12:54

‘Have I got this right?...

Your DP of 3 years refuses to look after your DD yet expects your sister to watch his DS???

What planet is he living on? Why are you with this man?’

Oh my God. This ^. So much.

What are you doing OP? He sounds like an ASSHOLE.

Does have he any good qualities?

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 15/02/2019 12:57

I'm really curious. HOW does he justify his stance on this? You have to look after his child but he won't look after yours? I mean, what words does he actually say to explain it? Does he not realise that it's unfair or what? It's truly baffling. Truly.

jyotisharma2859 · 15/02/2019 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

thecatsthecats · 15/02/2019 12:58

I agree that it sounds more like he wants to opt out of parenting altogether dressed up as 'fairness'.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/02/2019 12:58

This is epic cheeky fucker territory.

Please tell me he has amazing redeeming points? Because he sounds like a selfish prick who doesn't want to spend time with his own child and refuses to be part of a blended family with yours.

NWQM · 15/02/2019 13:00

Ironically his position - stepchildren treated the same - would be my position. Question is why doesn’t he do it!!!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/02/2019 13:00

when my partner works I take care of his son, but when I am working he won't look after my daughter

Why on earth are you with this horrible, spoiled brat of a man?

How do you think this will make your DD feel - she may not be old enough to notice the discrepancy of treatment now (though I bet she is!), but soon she will - and it will hurt her and affect her self-confidence.

nanbread · 15/02/2019 13:00

WTAF

What planet is he on??

Thequaffle · 15/02/2019 13:01

His 13yo son won’t want to hang out with a bunch of little girls at Disney.
I would ask him how many times he’s taken your DD along to something HIS family has been doing along with his DS. When he’s silent, end of conversation.
He is taking advantage of your family.

Thequaffle · 15/02/2019 13:02

Oh and tell him to arrange childcare for his 13 yo when he is at wor. An 8yo girl isn’t hard to babysit, I would understand if she was a little baby but she’s not.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 15/02/2019 13:02

How have you not raised this with him before? I would have asked him about this long ago, when he refused to child mind whilst you worked.

He sounds a real lazy, selfsh fer

Catamaran1 · 15/02/2019 13:04

So he can't look after his step daughter but your sister who is no relation to your step son has to have him. Your dh is an extreme CF!

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/02/2019 13:05

when my partner works I take care of his son, but when I am working he won't look after my daughter

He doesn’t want to look after his own son either does he? Hence the reason he wants him to go to your sister.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/02/2019 13:06

This is something of a one way street. You DP is a lazy bastard. Does he have any good points at all

MerryBerryCheesecake · 15/02/2019 13:08

What is he doing that he wants no kids in the house while you're out?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2019 13:09

OP, he is not your "partner"

He only wants to palm his DS off on your sister because he doesn't want to have him either.

Ugh. Why are you with him?

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