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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
ambereeree · 15/02/2019 13:57

Bloody hell OP he lives in your house and does no childcare. Why are you with this man.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/02/2019 13:57

Well now you have lived together for 9 months and you have really got to know each other, so now how do you feel about him?

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 13:57

He is a twat, and bellend, expecting double standards, your sister only takes care of your dd whilst you work, as he does not want to, but expects your sister to take care of his son, who should be spending time with his dad. He is a massive CF and his behaviour would be a total dealbreaker. You cannot have a blended family, with him and his attitude.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/02/2019 13:58

Time to dump this CF, you and your dd deserve better.

Equalityumber · 15/02/2019 13:59

He sounds dreadful. Why are you letting yourself be dictated to? I’d leave him too.

Lovemusic33 · 15/02/2019 14:01

I’m guessing OP is still with him as she feels sorry for his son and fears his life will be worse if she kicks them out? I have been in a Ismaili position and it is hard to put yourself first Sad. He’s basically using OP as she makes his life easier, he’s gained a wife and a mother (for him and his child) and he doesn’t want to pull his finger out and help out. This isn’t a family unit, it’s only working in his favour.

MumW · 15/02/2019 14:01

Sorry, can't see what you get out of this relationship. It certainly isn't a fair and balanced partnership. It isn't a partnership at all.

From where I'm standing he is a CF, a user, taking you for a mug - and you seem to be letting him.

I think you need to step back, take a long hard look and then decide what you want out of a relationship.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/02/2019 14:02

You’re a substitute mum to him and his son. He’s a dick. Ditch him.

GabriellaMontez · 15/02/2019 14:03

Pack his bags.
Move him out.

Poor boy. He's not your responsibility but perhaps you will maintain a relationship.with him.

CantStopMeNow · 15/02/2019 14:05

It's embarrassing! So desperate for a man that you would put up with any old shit

This with bells and whistles on!
Don't you have any self respect OP?

You're putting a selfish, using, manipulative man before your own child!
He's telling you very loudly that he is NOT your partner - he's making it very clear that he is the boss of you and you have to do as you're told.

What is the age gap between you both?

You come across as much younger than him, it's the way you just accept his bullshit excuses, can't see anything wrong with his attitude, can't/won't stand up to him and still think the sun shines out of his arse.

Grow the fuck up OP! You chose to have this child so put her first, not some dickhead who's just using you.

MumW · 15/02/2019 14:07

Also, your DSis is babysitting his son, so he should be reciprocating by taking her DC out sometimes.
But that's never going happen since he won't even look after his DP's DD.

I feel really sorry for the young lad but continuing the way you are is discriminating against your own DD.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/02/2019 14:08

So he does not want to look after your daughter on the weekends. And he does not want to look after HIS OWN SON either. And he has you, taking care of his son during weekdays. He really has it made, doesn't he.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/02/2019 14:08

Are you tired of this charity project yet?

A word of warning - when you finally are tired of it you'll probably have a hell of a job getting him to leave. He's got it made with you, he won't give it up easily.

(Has your DD noticed yet that her mother's boyfriend doesn't like having her around?)

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 15/02/2019 14:11

Aside from all the issues mentioned above, it's completely normal to sometimes do separate activities with children, including holidays.

Last year, DH took DD (13) on a special holiday to a place she really wanted to visit and I took DS (10) to see my family. It was fine! We've also had girls' outings/weekends with friends and DH/DS have done activities with other Dad's/their sons.

There's no need for your DSS to be forced to go on holiday with a group of much younger girls, he won't want to anyway. He should do something fun with his Dad instead...oh, wait, that means his Dad will have to make an effort. Hmm

brick15 · 15/02/2019 14:12

If you can’t do the right thing for yourself at least spare a thought for your dd and what you’re teaching her about relationships. ( Is this really what you want her to see in the years to come).

Please??!!

ThankYouNext19 · 15/02/2019 14:12

No. Sorry but no. I cant actually believe what im reading! Its not your daughters fault that her step brother doesnt have a mother. He is saying this to guilt trip you. They BOTH should be treated equal or you should take a leaf out of his book and stop doing these things for his son, or better yet chuck the selfish get out. You are his free childcare and thats it. All his excuses are wrong and you are right in how you are feeling. Dont let him make you think otherwise!

Your in a relationship where your partner doesnt like your DD, why is this ok with you? DUMP HIM

Soubriquet · 15/02/2019 14:13

He doesn’t want to look after your dd on his days off?

When are your days off from child care then?

When is everyone who has no baby sitters get days off?

He is a selfish prick

TowelNumber42 · 15/02/2019 14:16

Your poor daughter. Relegated to second class citizen because mum has a new boyfriend.

You are not angry enough. Attempts to make you feel guilty should be making you be angry instead or making you hand wring. He is being a complete dick to your daughter and you are letting him. You are letting it be all about the menz feels no matter the impact on the females. Bollocks to that.

Does he pay his way? Equal on housework? Parent his own child when you are around?

combatbarbie · 15/02/2019 14:17

Is DSSs mum still alive, I'm confused as you mentioned her upthread.

Also note that you say DP doesn't speak to DS.... you are being more of a parent than he is. I don't actually understand why you are with this guy!!???

He either bucks up his ideas on being a blended family or he fucks off (but I'd be inclined to keep DSS)

CurbsideProphet · 15/02/2019 14:19

I'm sorry for you, but he sounds a cocklodger of the highest order. He's setting a terrible example for his son.

PositiveVibez · 15/02/2019 14:20

I think my step son likes to be with my family because his dad never talks to him

Fucking hell. What a Prince among men!!!

How can your relationship be otherwise okay when the main issue of contention revolves around the children?

He is a cocklodging twat.

I agree with pp who said your child is the one being treated unfairly!

If he wants his kid to go to Disneyland, tell the lazy cunt to take him himself!

Also. The emotional manipulation of 'my son has no family' bullshit is a red flag.

Redwinestillfine · 15/02/2019 14:21

If he lives with you then you don't need your sister to provide childcare if he has say off, he should be doing it. Are you a family or not? If you are he needs to start acting like it, if not then fine but he should probably move out.

Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 14:22

I am not desperate for a man ... I am aware this is not acceptable, I just hoped there could be solutions to solve things without having to break up.

  • I am 28 and he is 40. The house is a present from my parents. I have the chance of having a caring family.
  • Also his son is a bit clingy, always wanting to hug me , talk to me. It's hard to say but I think he talks more to me in one afternoon than to his dad in weeks. I wonder if there is something wrong with him. I have 13 yo nephew and the last thing he wants to do is hug is mother all the time. I am afraid I will make him miserable if I leave his dad. But yes , I want the best for my daughter. I will never put anyone else before her.
  • I never get free time, when I am off , I clean all the mess of the weekend , and look after the children.
OP posts:
Original poster
Salinovina · 15/02/2019 14:23

@combatbarbie

No, his mum died 8 years ago.

OP posts:
WeirdCatLady · 15/02/2019 14:24

Why the fuck are you putting up with this?? Is this the kind of message you want to be giving to your daughter about how relationship work?