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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
PupsAndKittens · 16/02/2019 23:35

I am sorry but your DD could end up being his stepdaughter and part of his family. His parents really need to start excepting this and treating her as part of the family.

YANBU about the holiday. I think you need to really consider tho do you have a chance of having a happy family with this man, as I personally don’t think you will.

DianaT1969 · 17/02/2019 00:41

OP I think you should be forever grateful to Disneyland. IMO it has given you back years of your life. Read back your posts. You were clueless at the beginning.
I hope there's a good outcome for the boy.
But this man needs to pack his underpants and move on.

sleepylittlebunnies · 17/02/2019 00:51

You work every weekend while your sister looks after your daughter so your so called partner could have quality one to one time with his son. But he wants to have 2 days off while your sister looks after both kids? He’s taking the Mick.

If he wants to be fair maybe your sister wouldn’t mind alternating weekends having her DN and your partner’s son with your partner doing the other weekend?

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 01:02

You want to be with his man so much you're allowing your dd to be treated as a second class citizen. She needs to be your priority not him

^Agree with this.

OP your man is a user and freeloader via his son. Your DD isn't good enough to meet his family, but his son is good enough to be inviegled into yours. He can't even be bothered to look after your DD. But, good - I wouldn't want a shallow fool like that anywhere near my child.

Honestly tho - what are you doing?

End this ridiculous situation and put your DD 1st. You're her mum. Have you even thought how she must feel? She's excluded by him.

I can't believe some pp's are suggesting you try to reach a compromise with such an insensitive, grasping man. Nonsense.

Nofilter · 17/02/2019 01:14

He sounds horrid!!!

Siamesedream777 · 17/02/2019 01:47

This man is gas lighting you! (Making you feel unsure of yourself and wonder if you are in the wrong when in fact you ask him perfectly reasonable questions and requests). This can be and most certainly is in some cases tantamount to emotional abuse. You cannot let this man continue to treat both of your children in the manner in which he does. If is clear that his own child is suffering and craving an emotional connection with someone, that person can be you if you are in a relationship that shares responsibility for the children but it seems to fall solely to you. He needs to be willing to act as a family and that means things go both ways. If as you say your so called partner does nothing except please himself and spend the minimum time possible with even his own (clearly still grieving) child, he does not seem like a good fit for you. Be careful op xxx

Commonpeoplelikeme · 17/02/2019 02:03

You will never be able to compromise with this man. You are 28. You have your whole life ahead of you, and to give you and your daughter the best life possible. It cannot happen with this man. He is 40 and still doesn’t understand the responsibilities of being a parent, stepparent and partner. If he doesn’t at this age, he never will. It is sad for his son but it is not your responsibility. He has grandparents that can help him if his father doesn’t pull his finger out of his arse. He’s an arsehole and taking advantage of your naivety and kindness. Just like a previous poster said he’s a gaslighter. Google it and you’ll see he’s doing just that to you. Get out. You seem to have a wonderful family and your sister is a godsend.

justilou1 · 17/02/2019 02:44

Sounds like your "Partner" isn't into "Partnering" or Parenting.

Iflyaway · 17/02/2019 02:45

He was single for 5 years before I met him and was living with his mother.

Run a mile from these types. They are just looking for a mummy substitute.

You sound lovely OP. And so does your sister.

I agree though. No 13-year-old would be seen dead in the company of a bunch of 5-year-olds, unless babysitting. (I did it at 14).

Iflyaway · 17/02/2019 02:49

He's 40??!!

Makes it even worse....

You could forgive a 20-something for not "getting it" yet. Even that would be tiresome. (Many are responsible fathers at that age, yes).

40 years old is WAY beyond "rebooting" if you see what I mean.

Iflyaway · 17/02/2019 03:11

I thought I could fix things... or at least try.

You can't fix people.

What you see is what you get.

The question is - What is in it for you? Trying to create a blended family? It's only working to your detriment.

Staving off loneliness?

As a LP I can say it's better than any man-child to have to deal with.

Find your inner woman warrior!

lboogy · 17/02/2019 03:58

Would you choose someone like your boyfriend for your dd? If no, ( and I hope you can see the answer is no) then you need to leave him.

watsmyname · 17/02/2019 07:25

@MummaMooMoo 😢

HarrySnotter · 17/02/2019 07:26

I'm sorry OP but you are allowing this to happen. You are putting your relationship with this bellend before your daughter. That should never happen.

Ineedalifeline · 17/02/2019 08:00

OP - you have sought the opinion of strangers who don’t know you or your partner. You also have the opinions of your sister and possibly other family members who know you both and have observed the unbalanced relationship over the last 3 years. So, really, in your gut, you do know the right thing to do. It is unfortunate for your DSS that he has been saddled with a selfish prick for a Dad, but as PPs have already said you need to do what’s best for your DD and he’s definitely not it. You can’t change or fix people, especially those who justify their bad behaviour by guilt tripping their “loved” ones. Change and fix yourself for the sake of your DD and LTB before he can lay financial claim to half your house!!!

Whereareyouspot · 17/02/2019 08:17

OP I’m so sad for you as you sound really lovely
But sadly this man is not someone you should be with as he is selfish and thoughtless and rude

I wonder if you break up (and I really hope you do as it will only get worse) could you keep in touch with his DS if you like and care about him?

givemesteel · 17/02/2019 08:24

Agree with pp, apart from the fact that you get nothing out of this relationship, it is damaging to your DD to have this man around the house who obviously doesn't give a shit about her or even his own kid.

I feel very sorry for this 13 year old as it feels like he's got no one. But you can't stay in this relationship because of him.

I don't know how ill his grandmother is but I think that the best thing is if he moves back in with them and if necessary his uncles take on a more fostering role. But you are not a blood relative and thankfully aren't married to his dad so you don't and can't take any responsibility for him.

ZenNudist · 17/02/2019 08:39

Id love it if youre eyes were opened enough to ask him to move out and unblend your families. Its the right thing for your dd. He sounds awful. Particularly not hosting your dsis that time and expecting you to keep house whilst he loafs about.

Do not under any circumstances marry him. You would be giving him half a house and giving away your dds security.

scubadive · 17/02/2019 08:51

This does not sound like a healthy relationship. Your Dp didn’t want to look after your daughter while you were at work but was happy to look after his son, how might that have made your daughter feel. He doesn’t want you here DD so you have to go to my sisters!!! And what sort of activities did he do/plan to do with his son on those weekends, leaving out your daughter? A 13 year teenage boy is not a good mix with that group of girls, a definite no for Disneyland. Your DP can take hisson to Disneyland. Your DP caused this division and now doesn’t like the consequences. I would definitely reconsider this relationship, your DP doesn’t sound very nice and definitely not kind.

pancakeBlanket · 17/02/2019 08:54

I think what @ZenNudist said is important. At the moment if something happened to you it would be DDs house. If you marry him and something happens to you, what do you think he will do for DD based on how he treats her now? She'd be thrown out on her ear.

DoctorDread · 17/02/2019 08:54

Your poor dss. He sounds like a total prick and with every update he sounds worse!

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/02/2019 09:03

To be clear your sister looks after your dd because he won't. And now she has to look after his ds too?! Madness tell him it has to stop as she is doing you a favour. Also no his ds doesn't get to go to Disneyland he wasn't invited and it isn't unfair your partner is fobbing off his responsibilities and acting like a spoiled child.

TanselleTooTall · 17/02/2019 09:18

Are you really going to do something though, op?
You sound a bit unsure still.

greeneyedlulu · 17/02/2019 09:47

Your partner is a knob and you need to call him on it

ToftyAC · 17/02/2019 10:10

Get shot of the selfish pathetic wank stain OP. You deserve better.

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