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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner expects me to take his son to my family but never take my dd to his

343 replies

Salinovina · 15/02/2019 12:27

Hello everyone

Really need advice on this one

I have been with my partner for 3 years, I have a 8yo dd and he has a 13yo son

His has full custody of his son. So here's the story, my sister helps me babysit my dd because I work on the weekends and my partner doesn't want to look after my daughter during his days off ( which I understand and I am ready to accept ). My sister picks up her niece in the morning and brings her back at 7pm , when I am back. This arrangement was working fine for about 3 months till DP started telling me his son his jealous and feels excluded because " Your sister has a cool house and takes her horse riding , when she comes back she tells him all the cool stuff she has done."

I told my sister , who is very understanding , and she said he could come over too sometimes if he wants. He has been going there the past 3 weekends !!
My dd goes to her grandmother every wednesday afternoon, and my partner now expects me to take him too. When my step-son was celebrating his birthday with his aunts and grandparents, my daughter wasn't invited and she has never spent an afternoon with my partner's parents or siblings.

Now, my sister is taking her daughter to Disneyland for her birthday, and my daughter is going there too. We received an invitation yesterday, and my partner straight away said " He needs to go too, it's not fair. You are treating your child like she is special while you are excluding mine". My sister refuses to take him, she is already taking 5 girls aged 4 to 9 , and thinks a 13yo boy shouldn't be there.

What do you think ? Am I selfish ?

OP posts:
Sb74 · 17/02/2019 10:33

Dear OP. It’s hard when you love someone to see things as they really are. I’ve been there often enough. But for yours and your daughters sake, I would ask him to leave. You deserve so much better than him. He is immature and won’t ever change. It’s very sad that his son is like he is but this whole situation could impact on your daughter’s happiness as she grows and obviously she comes first. You know what’s right. Doing it is the hard bit. X

llangennith · 17/02/2019 10:45

OP I hope things work out for you and your DD. The sooner this selfish man is out of your lives the better. Don't let him guilt trip you into anything regarding his son. His son is his responsibility, not yours. Your DD deserves better and so do you. Your family sounds lovely too.

flowergrrl77 · 17/02/2019 11:43

@Salinovina I am so sorry that this thread is what it is, I’m kinda glad that you’ve managed to come to the conclusion that things are just never going to get better. But I’m at sorry that you’re gonna have to deal with all of it.

I am also sad for DSS but there is only so much you can do. Yourself and DD comes first. Maybe entertain the use of keeping DSS (cause it sure sounds like DP doesn’t want him). But don’t feel you have to! Mostly mentioning it because I get the feeling DSS is probably why you’ve not ended things already.

Good luck Flowers

Devilinatwinset · 17/02/2019 15:38

It sounds as though you are living with a perpetrator of domestic abuse. Psychological/emotional abuse can be very subtle. It can take years to pluck up the courage to make the break. Since you would need to get him to leave YOUR house it may be even more difficult. He will no doubt dig the heels in & will try every trick in the book to make you change your mind. I, like most pp, feel desperately sorry for the son but if you DON'T split up there will be two emotionally damaged children here, not just one. Fwiw, I became a single parent last year when I left the emotionally abusive father of my two kids. I realised that it would be worse for them if we stayed. And now, I would rather stay single for the rest of my entire life than let the wrong person anywhere near my children.

Bignosenobum · 17/02/2019 17:36

WTF. what a cunt. Lazy cf. Tell him to stick it. I cannt believe he won't help with childcare when you work. Three of my kids are from my first marriage my husband has always full participated un their lives including looking after them whilst I was working, not to mention when I went to uni. he cooks and cleans etc. This was 20 years ago. Outrageous.

Bignosenobum · 17/02/2019 17:40

Iwish people would stop trying to fix people. If your partner does not help out from an early stage then usually they never will. I lived with an abusive man years ago and he wanted everything perfect or else. I left him and met my hubby. What a huge contrast. ,The past 30 years have flown.

DeniseRoyal · 17/02/2019 18:29

I can't even begin to comprehend why you are with this man OP. You need to put your DD first, and kick this dickhead out on his ear. He is a CF of the highest order.

Tinkerbell1980 · 18/02/2019 19:09

Hope you're ok OP xx

Travis1 · 21/02/2019 12:42

@Salinovina how are you doing? x

chocorabbit · 21/02/2019 15:19

He is worried that if your DD goes to Disneyland he won't be able to tell you to look after his DS so he might as well pack his DS and send him abroad so he can have more free time for himself Hmm

It is great that your DD has a loving family. Don't sacrifice it and the different opportunities that she gets to make up for his inadequacy. If he wants fairness for his DS he should step up as a father.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2019 16:59

If only there was a way to keep the kid and ditch the dad . . .

I feel for that poor boy - if I were OP and I finished with his father I would worry myself sick about him.

But I WOULD finish with his father, because I wouldn't be prepared to sacrifice my DD's life, or my own, to such a twat of a man.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/02/2019 19:23

If only there was a way to keep the kid and ditch the dad . . .

Sounds to me as if all OP would have to do is ask the bastard. He'd probably be more than happy for her to keep him since it would mean he'd be off his hands. Of course, don't expect him to pay for his upkeep if she does!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/02/2019 21:16

You're probably right Pond

Poor little bugger.

Motherofcreek · 23/02/2019 21:31

What a mess.

I’d ask him to leave so that lad can be with his grandparents and have the stability. It’s really not fair and the young lad sounds incredibly lonely.

What an absolute cocklodger

smilingontheinside · 24/02/2019 18:42

I think you need to reevaluate this relationship. If he's your dp and you all live together he should be behaving "like a dad" to your dd as you are behaving "like a mum" to his child for this to work going forward. My db has a sd and she couldn't be any more his own than if she really was. She sees her father regularly but my db is also her dad. What a weird set up for your dd Confused

Motoko · 24/02/2019 19:00

OP is long gone. No point in replying now.

Wallywobbles · 24/02/2019 20:04

For various reasons when my Dad had been married to my DSM for about a year he decided he wanted out. Only problem was that his kids wanted to stay with her.

I suspect that this might be your case too. Would that be an option if you split up? I know it's a huge thought.

Wallywobbles · 24/02/2019 20:06

And our mum was dead too. So rather a lot of similarities. DSM improved our lives immeasurably.

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