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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my autistic child should be allowed to contact me?

188 replies

Seline · 15/02/2019 09:56

Son is 3 and being assessed for autism. Told it's likely he will be diagnosed and that they're also considering ADHD. He very obviously has both. I have fairly "bad" ADHD myself so I know exactly what it is.

Recently he's been having major meltdowns and outbursts of aggression at nursery. Throwing things, biting, kicking etc. He's speech delayed so can't communicate properly and often the other, older and more articulate children talk over him. The staffing ratio is 1 to 8 which is crap, I have barely any of these issues at home because I can see and intervene before we get to meltdown but they have too many children to do that.

Anyway my son is doing this because he is anxious. I nearly died and spent a lot of time in hospital and this is when his behaviour suddenly went like this. He keeps telling me he is scared I will leave him

I have told him he can speak to me whenever he wants and asked nursery to call me if he is distressed and let me talk him down. Firstly they told me no because it'll upset the other children, I said I think getting bitten will upset them more. Then they said the office phone is always too busy so they don't want him getting upset over not being able to use the phone.

I offered to buy a mobile phone and give to his key worker and that only I have the number to, and that they can tell him is a phone to mummy and to use that.

Got told no as that would take the key worker away from other children. I said but you're already away from them by spending half an hour calming his meltdowns down!

Asked if I could keep it in the office and one of the admin ladies could call me from it and supervise. Told no as their admin work is very important Hmm

This isn't fair is it?! They should be making reasonable adjustments.

OP posts:
IceRebel · 15/02/2019 10:01

I'm really sorry to hear about your health scare, it must have been a very frightening time. However, i'm with the nursery here, calling you whenever your child wants isn't a viable or long term plan.

What happens if you're not able to take the call?

What happens if the call makes your child more upset as they then want you, not just your voice?

How are the staff supposed to balance ratios to enable to call?

What happens when your child doesn't want a quick call, 5 minutes turns into 10 / 15, several times a day.

I know it must be frustrating for you, but nursery aren't being unreasonable here.

Nnnnnineteen · 15/02/2019 10:01

Phoning you is not a good idea for so many reasons!! Either you trust staff to look after your child or you don't, in which case keep him home until he starts reception.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/02/2019 10:02

I'm sorry OP but YABU. What you want is not fair to anyone including your child.
If you want that level of interaction you may need to hire a nanny instead of a bursary.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 15/02/2019 10:04

I heard once of a dm who left her scarf on her dc's peg. Whenever the dc got distressed they were allowed to go and cuddle the scarf. It smelled of dm and was a huge comfort.
Could be worth a try?

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:04

He calms down after speaking to me though. It avoids the thirty minute meltdowns. He doesn't speak much so won't want a half hour phonecall. All he needs is to hear I'm still here. That's it.

They don't handle him properly.

OP posts:
Seline · 15/02/2019 10:05

April that might work ill try that thanks!

OP posts:
FloatingthroughSpace · 15/02/2019 10:05

They don't have to make reasonable adjustments until he is actually diagnosed, according to the letter of the law.

I actually don't think it was reasonable of you to make your ds a promise that involved access to a phone in nursery. Nursery staff are not allowed any mobile phones in the room for safeguarding reasons and so logistically this solution is more of a headache than you think. It also perpetuates the issue. He thinks about you, gets upset, gets to speak to you - so then he has a good reason to cry as when he does he gets to speak to mummy. Not that he would do it deliberately or manipulatively, but you can see it's reinforcing the behaviour, surely? It would be better for them to use a visual timetable so he can see Mummy is coming back, and maybe reducing his hours in the setting so he isn't waiting hours and hours to see you.

Bryjam · 15/02/2019 10:05

This is a joke, right?

Surely nobody would expect a 3yo to be allowed a mobile phone in nursery Hmm

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:07

It's not that he cries. He attacks people with bites and throwing objects. They make it worse by how they handle it.

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 15/02/2019 10:07

You are asking to set a precedent they would have to uphold for everyone, and they can't do that.
Is there a way you can practice soothing with him?

FloatingthroughSpace · 15/02/2019 10:07

Plus as pps suggested, some sort of transitional object. One parent I know draws a tiny heart in biro on her child's wrist and hers. Or as others suggest a scarf or cuddly teddy or something.

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:08

I don't expect him to have a phone. I expect him to be able to speak to me when I ring and will provide a phone if theirs in unsuitable. I'm not giving him a phone.

OP posts:
Noodledoodledoo · 15/02/2019 10:08

1 to 8 is standard ratio for that age, I get your son is in the process of being assessed for additional needs but most nurseries do not have excess of staff to reduce it without the funding that a diagnosis may bring.

Can you reduce his hours, so there is less time away from you if that is the current issue?

Can you talk to them rationally about what they think are realistic options to help him out.

I agree you calling him or him calling you is not a practical solution.

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:08

Why would they have to for everyone? Not everyone has SEN.

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 15/02/2019 10:08

I don't think that's reasonable at all tbh. It would just create more of a problem for the nursery as the other children will act up. Once he is diagnosed he should then qualify for funding to have a 1:1. For now unfortunately you will have to either go with the nursery or keep him with you.

Bryjam · 15/02/2019 10:09

I would just take him out of nursery. It clearly isn't working for him at this point. The idea that staff can just stop and call you when he decides is ludicrous.

IceRebel · 15/02/2019 10:10

Why would they have to for everyone? Not everyone has SEN.

Because lots of children get separation anxiety when away from their parents. If others find out that you're allowed to do this, they will insist they're also allowed a quick phone call to calm a distressed / upset child.

AhhhHereItGoes · 15/02/2019 10:12

I do have so much sympathy here - but in a few years he will be at school and he'll need coping mechanisms in place.

Perhaps have a cuddly toy/jumper of yours to cuddle if he feels anxious?

Would a childminder be a better option if he's really struggling?

MoMandaS · 15/02/2019 10:13

He shouldn't need a diagnosis to receive funding - nursery should be applying for it if they're struggling to cope. Has the local authority's inclusion team been involved at all?

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:13

Mildly distressed toddler isn't the same as meltdowns in autism and ADHD.

He thinks I'm dead when I'm not there. I can reduce his hours but the problem with that is it doesn't address the issue of him thinking I've gone. My reasoning was if he starts to understand mummy isn't gone she's just in another place his anxiety will reduce...

OP posts:
YouWinAgain · 15/02/2019 10:13

Would a tape recording or video work?

My DDs Nursery recently asked parents to upload videos of themselves onto Tapestry and these are played to the children. They've been using it with my DD to help with her communication so when she hears it she says "That's my mummy" and tries to have a conversation with me.

Seline · 15/02/2019 10:14

He has funding for 10 hours 121 but needs it full time really.

OP posts:
Seline · 15/02/2019 10:15

A recording might work. Possibly photographs and objects from home too.

However I'm unsure because he used to visit me in hospital but still thought I wouldn't come back. So I don't know.

OP posts:
AhhhHereItGoes · 15/02/2019 10:16

In time I think he'll need counselling related to your stay in hospital.

YouWinAgain · 15/02/2019 10:16

You could say in the video "I'll see you very soon" "I'll be picking you up to go home later" etc.

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